The Narrator’s Verses begins…
AARON ANSAH-AGYEMAN
THE NARRATOR
SOME THINGS A REAL WOMAN CAN’T DO
VERSE 1
I know a woman that got married and for five years she never made love to her husband!
Today is a Sunday.
Well, I don’t really know what kind of day it is to you, but it is a Sunday to me.
And it is Mother’s Day!
And on Sundays I like telling tales, yes, just tales. I am inclined to think you’re in a bit of a hurry to know about this woman who couldn’t have a bed tumble with her husband for five solid years.
You are, aren’t you?
Well then, tarry a while with me, and I’ll tell you all about her.
Let me get a warm cloth and some ginger ale. The weather is cold nowadays, and it stirs up the old bones a little. Not too much though, just a little, and an old man like me needs the ginger ale once in a while to stir up the blood.
Aha.
Feeling a bit warm now, I am.
Forgive the ramblings of an old man, please. Nowadays I’m lonely. The children are all grown up and raising families of their own, and I’m here with my old wife. We have been married for fifty years now, aye, and that is the truth.
Oh, there I go again, doing the rambling. Alright, I have stopped. Will tell you more about myself later, aha, but suffice to say that people call me The Narrator.
Life has taught me a lot of things, aha. And I do tell them, once in a while, when I have the audience.
Now where was I?
Oh, yes, I was telling you about Araba wasn’t I?
Aha, Araba! Yes, that girl who didn’t make love to her husband for five years after their marriage.
Now don’t go thinking her husband was impotent, or that maybe one of them had a kind of disease. No, it was neither. I wonder why people have such evil minds nowadays, thinking so ill of people whenever they hear something unusual.
Well now, do I have your attention?
Aha…I believe I do.
Well, Araba grew up right here in this town. She was not your regular kind of girl. She came from a ‘hard’ family. I believe you know a ‘hard’ family, right? Well, if you don’t then it means you’re not an African! Aha, in Africa we do have ‘hard’ families sometimes.
You see, Araba’s parents died in a lorry accident when she was just twelve. It was the cocoa truck that they were in, going to the city after begging the driver to take them. It overturned on the way. There were about twenty people sitting in that truck, and none of them suffered anything worse than scratches.
But Araba’s parents were plump killed, both of them – yes, you heard right – both of them died when the sacks of cocoa fell on them. Only the two of them died!
VERSE 2
Araba had two senior brothers and two senior sisters.
One day her senior brother went to the farm and returned with some firewood. This happened two years after the death of their parents. He put the firewood down in the yard and the next moment he was bitten by a mamba hidden in the firewood, and he died.
Now, ask yourself why he carried the mamba hidden in the firewood all the way from the farm, and it didn’t bite him till he got home!
Aha! Now you’re getting the drift of a ‘hard’ family! I’m not saying it…it just so happens!
Now, don’t you go thinking this is made-up. No, sir, no. This is a true story I’m telling you, so you better listen and get that look of disbelief out of your face.
Her other brother joined the army and left home. He came back home blind, yes, and so he has been ever since.
Her two sisters are married, but alas, none of them has been able to give birth. Now you know men in this village don’t take that kind of childless stuff. So their husbands had children with other women.
So now you know what a ‘hard’ family is.
People started thinking that ill luck followed them.
That was why Araba left the village. She came from the Apaso family. She had aunts and uncles, but she had to struggle through school, working to pay her own fees.
Anyway, she eventually went to the nursing school, and became a graduate nurse, or something like that. One day a young man was admitted at the hospital she worked at. A fine gentleman he was, by name of Abdallah, and he was an accountant.
He had broken his ankle whilst playing football, or so I heard, and he was on admission. Well, to cut a long story short, Abdallah and Araba fell in love. They used to do silly things, you know, sake of both of them had ‘A’ in their names, aha. ‘AA’ their friends used to call them.
Abdallah had a best friend called Fiifi, a young man whose parents had a lot of money, yes.
I will tell you more about this best friend Fiifi in a while.
Now, eventually Abdallah proposed to Araba, and wanted to marry her. She was a very beautiful woman, yes, and a virgin! And they loved each other very much. She agreed to marry him, of course, but then she had a very strange request.
She told Abdallah to sleep with her, and make her pregnant, before sending her to the village to meet her family.
Now, that was an unusual demand for real.
You see, Abdallah was a Christian, aye, and a very good one. He told Araba that he possibly couldn’t do that, no. He couldn’t commit fornication, and he certainly wouldn’t sin against God.
Araba kept begging him to make her pregnant at least, because that girl knew the kind of family she came from. She told Abdallah everything about the ill-luck plaguing her family, but Abdallah said the God he served was greater, and nothing bad would happen.
VERSE 3
Ei, is that so?
Yooooo!!
Aha, and so he forced her to bring him and his family to the village.
The two families met and sorted everything out. Items were bought and dates were fixed for the local marriage and the church ding-dong wedding.
The local marriage went on well, and the wedding was fixed in three weeks’ time.
Araba told Abdallah – yes, AA, hahaha – aha, she told him that once the local marriage was over, he could break her virginity and make her pregnant! After all, the local marriage was the real marriage, and the wedding was just a presentation to God…or so she reasoned!
Now what normal man with hot blood flowing through him could refuse such an offer?
I have a friend, my old friend Acquah Jacob, who would rather die than refuse a little tender hole like that…heheheheey!
Hay-hay-hay-hay – laughing in Korean, as my friend Beatrice Maame Efua Baah used to say – yes, no sane man could, but Abdallah was a different man!
He said no!
He wouldn’t sin against his God!
You know, Abdallah was from a certain region of Ghana, and when people from that part become Christians…saawah, they’re strong and unshakeable, immovable! So he said he would never make love to her before they exchanged vows in the presence of God!
Aaaah, yooo, okay then!
So the wedding day came, and he made it grand, right here in this town!
VERSE 4
Eiiiii!
It was made grand! I witnessed it – fiili fiili!
I can tell you that even now, no wedding has been able to beat the grandness of Araba’s wedding!
Cars, food, famous people!
This town was turned upside down! It was as if the Osagyefo Doctor Kwame Nkrumah or Nelson Mandela had come to town!
Well, the wedding was over and it was time to take photographs, and then Abdallah will take Araba to wherever they had planned and open up her fresh njojongo!
Now, everything had gone on okay!
Even Araba was relieved! Nothing bad had happened as she had feared! It was a grand success!
Abdallah was a stout young man, tall and broad of shoulders. He had been carrying Araba all the time they were courting and doing lobi-lobi!
So that day he decided to pick up Araba up in his arms for a photo session.
Araba said no, Abdallah said yes, Araba said no, Abdallah said yes!
So Abdallah lifted Araba, laughing happily, and then something went ‘kpan’ in his back, and he fell down gbraaaa!
The guests were all laughing, and some helped Araba up on her feet!
And then, Abdallah was still lying on the ground, lying still, absolutely still!
They told him to get up, and suddenly tears fell down his face…he couldn’t even move one finger!
All he could move were his eyelids!
Ayooooo!
Now you see your bolonga, Abdallah?
Araba said no, you said yes, Araba said no, you said yes…and lifted her up!
Now you see that you lifted a human being, but if you had eyes you would have seen that a mini bulldozer jumped up on Araba the moment you lifted her!
Ebe you dey der now, Abdallah…na spine break like Indian gonjon pin, abi!
Ah well, they lifted him into an ambulance straight to the hospital.
They spent their wedding night in the hospital.
The following day he was told that he was paralyzed from the neck down.
Yes, you heard right!
Abdallah could not move any part of his body except his eyelids and his lips!
Everything else was yaamutu!
Adweaaaa!
Family pass family!
Anyway, he was brought home like that.
Helpless and lying in bed.
One week, one month, one year…five good years!
Araba remained a virgin five years after her marriage!
Abdallah couldn’t taste the delights of that place of bliss, the entrance of ahoto, the sweetness of hmmm-haaa-agyeeei!!!
Now, Abdallah was a good Christian, and he prayed every day, but his condition didn’t improve.
He was a broken and sad man! He was wasting away. And, worst of all, he was laid off from work and paid his redundant entitlements.
VERSE 5
But all that money went into his treatment. He began to beg Araba to leave him, to divorce him!
He couldn’t just imprison her with that life! Abdallah could do nothing on his own! He couldn’t move! She had to do everything for him!
Feed him. Cleaned him. Changed him. Even clean his stinking poopoo….yeeeew!
I wonder how many of you young women can do that for five years!
Yes, I know you!
No atopa or lovemaking, no money, no children! To waste your life like that?
Tofiakwa – as my friend Grace Ebere Opurum of Nigeria would say!
You would have left him and gone your way ‘longest’, running like alonte!
But Araba stayed, bless her!
She stayed without complaint! She even became a Christian, and worked for both of them.
Now, you would have thought it ended there!
No, it didn’t, no, no!
The doctors came to inform her that Abdallah had developed a malignant brain tumour and would die within three months if an emergency surgery wasn’t done.
So Araba said, alright, go ahead and perform the surgery.
That was when the doctors told her the specialist was demanding Two hundred thousand Ghana Cedis for the surgery!
VERSE 6
Eeeeeiii!
Where would she get such money?
Poor Araba was in tears!
She went to her church, to her friends, to the radio station, trying to raise the money!
Lie-lie!
She was able to raise a little, but the specialist wouldn’t touch it!
He wanted the full amount!
Abdallah was now a little bit happy because he knew that now he would die and his dearest wife would be free to live her life! It was what he wanted.
Now, time to introduce that character called Fiifi!
You remember him, don’t you?
Abdallah’s bestie? I told you I’m gonna tell you more about him!
Ahem!
Hm.
That man eh?
Aha!
They went to school together! He was a blockhead, yes, and Abdallah had to help him through his studies and assignments. But Fiifi’s parents were rich…filthy rich!
Fiifi inherited his father’s companies, and he was a very rich man. He was married to three women!
But he had always been envious of his friend for landing such an incredibly beautiful woman in the form of Araba.
Oh, yes, Araba was shege-memunaa!
Thighs na thighs, breasts na standing, face na angel, buttocks…shuga-mamamia! Buttocks be this? Curved like the way God made it! Hey, Araba’s skin was like polished diamond! She was more beautiful than that woman King David saw and became a murderer!
VERSE 7
And she was a virgin! Ewoooo!
Whenever Fiifi saw her he developed a headache, and his heart raced more than Schumacher’s car in Formula 1 – katiri-katiri-katiri!
So poor Araba turned to Fiifi for help.
This man was their best man at the wedding! She had always considered him a friend!
So she told her to chip in with a loan to save her poor husband!
Fiifi listened to her, and nodded wisely like King Solomon who had sighted his seven hundredth concubine!
He told Araba to go and come back in two days for a reply.
On the second day Araba entered Fiifi’s office.
Well, he went straight to the point.
He made poor Araba an offer. Instead of the two hundred thousand Ghana Cedis, he would give her this:
VERSE 8
- Five hundred thousand Ghana Cedis
- A fully-furnished house so that she wouldn’t pay rent anymore
- One saloon car and one four runner
- A monthly stipend support of five thousand Ghana Cedis
In exchange she should agree to be with him once a month!
He told her he had always loved her!
Now let me stop and ask you women…what would you have done?
Now this is not a joke story koraa o!
No, no, no!
This is a true story la! No lie, straight from my mouth, and heaven knows I speak no lie!
I know you!
You would’ve taken off your clothes done it right there in the office gbada-gbada-gbada even before Fiifi stopped speaking.
Mind you, Araba had no money to spare.
She could barely afford to buy anything to wear because after paying rent, utilities and medical bills, her salary was almost virtually finished! She had run into debts with suppliers of food and drugs! And she owed about a year in rent. She had taken loans from the office and the bank!
She was cash strapped brutal!
Added to that there was no children to cheer her up?
What am I talking about children anyway? Haba, there was not even any lovemaking…for five solid years!
Well, her husband was paralyzed, and wasn’t expected to get well again!
And the man wouldn’t even know!
You would have done it, wouldn’t you? Speak the truth now, speak truth la!
If it had been you, wouldn’t you have done it?
Even for Lapaz Toyota koraa you would do it, how much more…
Hayhayhayhaaaay – laughing in Korean like Maame Efua!
Well, Araba looked at Fiifi, and tears coursed down her cheeks!
She stood up without a word and left his office!
But it didn’t end there la!
Ah, for the where!
Na hard family she comot from o, abi I tell you already na!
One week later nooor kpam!
It happened: Abdallah went into a coma!
Chaii – in the voice of my Nigerian friend, erm, I forget the name sef!
He was not expected to come out of the coma without the surgery!
He would die!
Araba tried and tried, but she couldn’t raise the money!
One evening Fiifi visited her. By that time Abdallah was on admission at the hospital in a coma.
Fiifi told her that his offer still stood, and with tears in her eyes Araba accepted.
She told Fiifi to come for her the following evening.
She went to visit Abdallah in the hospital, and she fell down on her knees, took one of his lifeless hands, and wept bitterly.
Araba informed him of what Fiifi had proposed, and how she just couldn’t let him die, but would do anything to help him because she cared so much! She loved him so much! He should please, please, please forgive her!
She rushed out of the hospital almost dying!
VERSE 9
Oh, poor woman!
The next evening Fiifi came for her.
He took her to the beautiful house he planned to give her and her husband! He had already transferred one hundred and fifty thousand into her account. As soon as they made love he would transfer three hundred and fifty thousand more!
The two cars he had promised her were in the garage! The house was in her name! The cars were registered in her name!
Wow!
Slowly Araba nodded in agreement!
They went to the master bedroom! Heeeerh!
The bed was huge and round, and was electrically-operated and so it was spinning slowly! There was a huge mirror in the ceiling so that Fiifi can watch her round bubbly-shibbly buttocks as he hit the thing gbim gbim gbim!
I tell you, the way Fiifi was erected! He had had that erection for five years la, I tell you!
It was time for action!
Fiifi took off his clothes and fell down on the bed…naked!
The lights were dimmed; some slow music was banging softly in HD-speakers. Some fragrance was rolling around the room, and the atmosphere was charged!
Araba went to the adjoining master bathroom to change, and the way her ‘cutibambooful’ buttocks was jiggling like Christmas balloon, Fiifi almost went mad on the bed and felt his engorged manhood elongating compulsorily by about ten inches more!
He waited, almost screaming for her to come out!
How long would it take to get naked? He was even ready to tear off her dress!
Finally, the bathroom door opened, and she came out.
She walked up to the bed, still dressed. Her eyes were swollen extremely from her tears, and she stood looking down at him, at his nakedness, at his engorged hammer of tasmuti!
He held out his arms for her.
She spoke quietly.
“Even if my husband lives, I would already have killed his soul, if I do this!” she murmured and turned away. “There are some things a real woman can’t do!”
Araba, bless her, left him in the room.
VERSE 10
Ha!
What a woman!
Oh, clap for Araba!
What a woman! Now, you, see you! You would have done it, wouldn’t you?
Fiifi’s rod of articulator went down fiiiiiiiiw and became like Tico car!
He was shouting, begging for just one round and he would give her everything, but Araba was already gone. She would let her husband die naturally, instead of betraying him like this!
She went straight to the hospital and spent the night beside her husband, refusing to leave his side and weeping the whole night.
Well, the following morning the great surgeon who had scheduled surgeries for patients who had paid visited the hospital. He was told of the man in a coma who couldn’t pay, and when they asked him if there was something he could do, he said he would examine Abdallah and see if he could help.
The doctor entered the ward and saw the poor woman who could barely open her eyes sleeping beside her husband.
He gently woke her up and introduced himself as Doctor Korku Tukpeyi Setorworfia….
Aaaaaaba!
These people and names! That name sounded like an atomic weapon, I tell you!
Anyway, he asked Araba to excuse him, and when he turned and looked at the lifeless form of Abdallah, he shouted suddenly.
“Ei, Abdallah Adams! Jesus!”
Well, everybody present was so shocked, and they asked if he knew Abdallah!
This doctor – well, I refuse to mention that name again, tofiakwa – was flabbergasted!
He explained how Abdallah Adam’s mother had always reserved food for the two of them when they were kids. You see, they had grown up in the same area as kids! The doctor with the bad name lived with his mother, because the man who had impregnated her refused to accept the pregnancy; his parents didn’t like the doctor’s mother!
And so this doctor, okay, let me call him Doctor Kork…heheheheeey!
VERSE 11
Doctor Kork was very poor because his mother was sick! It was Abdallah’s mother who had fed him each day from his childhood times till they entered secondary school, and had even helped pay some of his fees even though they had been poor!
Luckily for Doctor Kork…..hehehehhheeeee!
Well, luckily, his father came back for him. His father apologized for abandoning him and his mother, blaming it on his parents. He had been married two times and both marriages had failed because he still loved Doctor Kork’s mother. And so he married her in court, and took them to the United States.
Many years later he came to Ghana to look for Abdallah and his family, but they had relocated, and they lost contact!
And now here was his dear childhood friend, lying in a coma and needing surgery!
And he had not known it was Abdallah, and he had refused to operate on him!
The doctor cried that day like he had never cried before!
Quickly he scheduled the emergency surgery…and two months later Abdallah came walking out of the hospital!
Six months later, with Doctor Kork’s help, he and Araba became the owners of a plush hotel and resort center.
Money began to flow in like gogo wine!
A year and a half later they gave birth to twin boys. Then they had a daughter three years later.
Oh well, time to go in and lie down beside my wife!
I hope you liked my story.
Oh, hey, maybe you want to find out what happened to Fiifi?
I learnt one of his wives poured acid on his dongabimga one night after they caught him with their maid. Learnt he became impotent or something, but I’m not sure about that. You see, Abdallah and Araba broke ties with him even when he came to beg Abdallah with tears.
He blamed the Devil, oh yes, for his nonsense, and he left with his face swollen when Abdallah gave him a dirty slap.
I was surprised Abdallah didn’t forgive him, being a Christian and all.
As for the slap I wasn’t surprised at all. It is because of his background. People from that part of Ghana do not forgive roff roff like that, Christian or not…hayhayhahaaay!
Now, I tell you this is a true story, and you better believe it.
VERSE 12
Anyway, every good story must have a moral, and I wonder what the moral of this story is…
Oh, yes, simple:
There is no reason for a married woman to cheat on her husband…no, no reason at all!
Well, time to join my old wife in bed and hold her tight.
I cherish her, you know. She is my world. She means the world to me. Our children will be coming home for Christmas with their families and our grand-children.
We have now settled back in Ghana, you know, old but still in love.
Oh, my wife’s name is Araba…and I’m Abdallah.
AA, they call us….
When I walked out of that hospital, whole and functioning again, we had our honeymoon after our fifth year of marriage, and made love for the first time almost six years after our wedding!
We almost killed ourselves that first night, I tell you, Araba and me!
We had waited too long, through strife and pain…
She shocked me o! She was a virgin and hungry for it la!
At one time I tapped her gently on the sweet buttocks and whispered:
“If you don’t slow down you will break my spine again, Araba!”
But she didn’t mind me la!
We were going like Fela Kuti’s song:
“Bang, bang, bang…we just dey go ooo!!”
What a woman my wife is!
She will forever have my heart!
Oh Araba…I love you die!
Hayhayhayhay…laughing in Korean.
But hush, my angel is sleeping, go away now. Don’t wake her up!
She is the woman who proved that…there are some things a woman can’t do!
I’m the Narrator.
We’ll meet again next Sunday.
Bye bye.
Dedicated to the sweetest Mother on Earth, Eunice Ansah-Agyeman.
Happy Mother’s Day, Angelface!
To Be Continued…
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