The Narrator’s stories…
AARON ANSAH-AGYEMAN
THE NARRATOR’S VERSES
THE FREAKY SON
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VERSE ONE
I knew a man who was born without arms, and whose legs were under-developed, yes.
Oh, hello there.
It is Sunday again, and a cold one at that. I feel the shivers deep down to my bones, yes, I really do. It has been a dull day, with rains and winds and all cold colder coldest things….heheheehe!
This is the kind of weather young people of today use to play out all kinds of sexual perversions, forgetting the Lord Almighty is looking down at them.
The Judgement Day is going to be great indeed, hmmm.
My sweet pretty wife has travelled to visit our youngest daughter. She has given birth, you see, to a most glorious boy, a new grandchild to us. I was there two days ago, and prayed for the little tot, but I came back and left my wife.
She would be with them for a spell, aye.
Meaning I’ll have to face this cold weather alone tonight…hayhayhay, no soft and fantabulous mounds of sweet buttocks to lie behind!
Oh, yes, even old men like me deserve a tumble now and then; keeps the blood fresh and the arthritis away.
Oh, where was I?
Oh, yes, I was telling you folks about Kofi Diamond, aye. He was the son of Kuukuwaa the kenkey seller who used to live down the road, towards the school in our village.
VERSE 2
The sight of my new grandchild made me remember Kofi Diamond, yes.
Today my tale is not going to be that long, because I have to turn in to keep the cold away. You young folks will fornicate no doubt, but me I don’t do that! For the fifty odd and plus years I’ve been married to my dearest wife, I’ve never had any compunction to cheat on her…heheheehe, and I’m proud of the fact.
I love her, respect her and cherish her dearly.
I’m Abdallah Adams, by the way, but people call me The Narrator, because I love telling tales.
Aye, I’ve seen a lot, but I tell you nothing shocked me more than the sight of Kofi Diamond, the son of Kuukuwaa the kenkey seller and her husband, Ebo Mensah, who was the only son of King Mensah of our village.
You see, Ebo loved Kuukuwaa very much despite the fact that she was not from the upper class of families. Yes, we had that unfortunate system in our village. There were about three families who were considered blessed by the village gods, and their daughters always married the princes of the village.
A prince was always given a wife from these golden families, hayhayhay!
Now it was funny, you know, because the women from the golden families were usually not beautiful, nope! They had calves like the odum trees, and arms like boxer gorillas, hohohoooo!
But once in a while a real beauty was born to the families, you see.
Anyway, Prince Ebo went to school with Kuukuwaa, and he loved her.
VERSE 3
However, there was a girl from one of the golden families called Mensiwaa. She happened to be one of the pure breds, aye, a girl tall and curvy in stature, glowing of skin and as beautiful as the morning’s dew on fresh leaves!
She had appendages that wiggled and swung the right way, giving the young men of the village headaches when they beheld her.
Mensiwaa was selected by the gods, so they always said, to be the wife of Prince Ebo, and the future Queen of the village.
Trouble was, Ebo loved Kuukuwaa.
Ayoo! Hm.
Kuukuwaa was warned off Prince Ebo by the King and the Queen. Her parents were insulted and threatened with banishment from the village. Kuukuwaa’s parents were scared, and begged their daughter to stay clear of the prince.
Mensiwaa also made life hell for Kuukuwaa, I tell you! Abi you know how wickad some women can be….hahahhaaaa, yes, ‘wickad’, as my Nigerian friend Temidayo will say!
She and her friends taunted Kuukuwaa, and she even hired thugs to beat up the poor girl…but still the prince loved Kuukuwaa o!
Abakade! Problem come land for the village inside!
Prince Ebo was adamant! He told his parents that he loved this girl now, and couldn’t live without her. He chose to abandon the throne if they refused to let him marry Kuukuwaa!
VERSE 4
Ei!
Now, since he was the only son, well, the king sadly gave in!
Prince Ebo married Kuukuwaa!
He was the first prince to go beyond the golden families and select his bride from outside! Taboo come land, chineke!
But what does chineke and those other terms koraa mean? I hear people saying them o!
Chineke, Chai, Tofiakwa, Ewooo, Oya, Ikebe…ei, they’ve now become part of Ghanaian lingua paa o! Ah well, no problem o! Abi Ghana and Nigeria come make sisters now! The only time we fight is when Black Stars meet the Super Eagles…hayhayhayhayy!
Anyway, anyway, anyway…let me continue, oya!
You see, Mensiwaa felt so sickened, jealous and disgraced that the Prince selected the woman he loved!
Now the problem for Kuukuwaa was that the Queen Mother, who was Prince Ebo’s mother, was from the golden families, and she hated Kuukuwaa, and loved Mensiwaa!
The Queen Mother, Mensiwaa and the fetish priest, Okomfo Apakye, decided to make Kuukuwaa’s stay in the palace brief and filled with pain!
Now, the wife of the prince was not supposed to cook, you see. She was served by maids. Kuukuwaa wanted to cook, but she was forbidden!
Now that was how they got her!
Eeeeei, people are ‘wickad’…heheheee!
See, Okomfo Apakye gave some concoction to the Queen Mother, who gave it to the cook, and they seasoned Kuukuwaa’s food with it!
Abakade!
Who say evil no dey?
VERSE 5
This concoction secretly worked on Kuukuwaa, and for five years of marriage no pregnancy came o! Ei, trouble! If the woman couldn’t give birth then there would be no future prince for the village o!
But then, in spite of all the poisonous concoction Kuukuwaa was taking, God had mercy on her, and she became pregnant!
Aha!
Na hin people dey talk sey born pikin no hard but the morning kooko!
Adweaa!
Kuukuwaa gave birth to Kofi…and she was so weak from labour that she passed out!
Kofi was lying in a cot in the palace, bowling his tiny voice off…but no one would touch him!
People went in there, saw the new prince…and they ran from the room!
Ewoooo! Trouble don land o!
Na taboo pikin Kuukuwaa go born like that!
Prince Ebo looked at his own son, and tears fell down his face!
That was when Okomfo Apakye declared that the baby was taboo because Kuukuwaa was a witch, and that the baby would bring calamities if he was not separated from the palace!
The King and Queen Mother believed him! Even Ebo didn’t want to have anything to do with the baby!
I tell you, they drove Kuukuwaa and her taboo child from the village as if they were a pair of black mambas…hahahaaa!
Now, Kuukuwaa’s parents would not allow her to come and live with them because she was a witch, a disgrace and a taboo woman who had given birth to a beast!
The fetish priest even ordered that the baby should be stoned to death!
Ei!
Ah well, I was an Elder of the church then, and we decided to give Kuukuwaa one room in the Mission House to stay! That was the time I saw her son for the first time!
Ajeeeeeiiiii!
Come see baby!
I see baby, I see baby but that baby…hm, I beg to differ!
The baby didn’t have arms!
It didn’t have good legs…his legs were stunted and tiny and soft like harmattan pawpaw!
One of his eyes was closed, and he just wouldn’t stop weeping!
Ajeeeeiiii!!!
So Kuukuwaa, sad and broken, named her son Kofi.
VERSE 6
She was a disgraced witch now, and couldn’t even show her face in the town. She used to sell kenkey before her marriage, but when she tried to sell the kenkey again, Mensiwaa, and the Queen Mother made the fetish priest proclaim that Kuukuwaa’s kenkey was made from spiritual excrement o!
Awurade!
Have you seen shit kenkey before? Awo, see how ‘wickad’ human being can be oooo, Chineke God!
So Prince Ebo finally married Mensiwaa!
Kuukuwaa wept like a new born baby o!
Oh, life had been cruel to her! She didn’t know the malformations of her son were caused by that terrible drug which was administered in her food!
The most painful moment for her was when the Royal Prince Ebo came to her and advised her to smother her son with a pillow, or drown the baby in a bowl of water!
He didn’t want that baby to be his o!
Oh, poor Kuukuwaa!
She wailed well well!
But, a mother was a mother, abi?
She worked in the office of the church as a clerk to feed her baby!
She carried concrete on building sites to earn enough money for her son’s expensive upkeep!
Kuukuwaa did a whole lot of menial work to take care of Kofi, whom she began to call Diamond!
Ajeeeei!
Diamond for the where? Hay hay hay hay…laughing in Korean!
That baby na proper devil baby, abi? So why call him Kofi Diamond? Na dat go make am well? Heheheee!
As he continued to grow his head became bigger! He couldn’t walk! He had no hands to take care of himself! Everything needed to be done for him na!
Hmm. What a sad world!
VERSE 7
Mensiwaa gave birth to a son within the first year of marriage to the prince, and gave birth to a second son the next year. Eventually she had two daughters also!
Heeeey!
Now her sons were heirs to the throne o!
Shibabe!
When Kofi Diamond was sixteen, he learned how to flip himself on his tiny, stumpy legs and move around, yes!
But the people said he was a devil boy o, and whenever his mother was not around, they tried to kill him o!
One day Mensiwaa even let some men put him in a pan and carried him deep into the forest to kill him. This was at a time when Kuukuwaa was in the office!
The men left the defenseless boy in the forest o!
How wicked..no, ‘wickad’ as Temidayo will say o!
Kuukuwaa cried herself to sleep for almost three weeks!
She thought she had lost her son!
But, after three weeks, Kofi Diamond returned, shuffling through the village on his stumpy legs!
The people of the village screamed at him o! They hooted at him, and threw stones and rotten vegetables at him!
They set dogs on him, to maul him, and there was an uproar!
The boy, weak and absolutely abused, was lying in a pool of his own blood when his wailing mother found him! She thought he was dead! We all thought he was dead!
VERSE 8
But diamonds don’t break that easily, no sir!
I put him in my own old jalopy and sent him to the hospital!
He spent almost two months in the hospital, but he made it!
Now, listen to this, listen to this….
Hahahaaa! Ei, God is great o, I tell you!
The boy was horrible to look at o, but we didn’t know that inside his head was one of the best brains God ever created o!
The boy na genius, I tell you!
See, he was lying on the hospital bed, and one doctor was sitting beside him solving some scientific exercises from a book, which was an assignment o!
Now, me I keep telling you I don’t tell lies, no way!
I dey shoot the truth straight, more than Robin Hood’s arrow!
This doctor put down a figure as his answer, na hin this boy come open his big mouth and tell this doctor that the answer is wrong! He gave the correct answer o, and explained the reason!
Na hin this doctor looked so stumped that such a young hideous boy get such brain o! So he allowed Kofi Diamond to teach him…and when he went to classes that day…heeeeeerh, he got all the answers correct, jooooor!
Abakade!
Sosket!
He got one hundred percent la! The best in the class!
VERSE 9
Na hin he told his professor about the strange boy who had never set foot into a classroom but had solved scientific algebraic functions!
The professor came to the hospital to ask questions and chat with Kofi Diamond!
Sosket on top of sosket!
Heeeerh, sharp brain be this?
Even Einstein and Archimedes no dey come!
So this professor spoke to some big people, and soon Kofi Diamond was taken to the city after he left the hospital o…straight into a government institution!
Long and short was that Kofi Diamond’s brain was unbelievable!
He was sponsored to do some course bi for uptown o!
This young man was a wonder boy!
He was excelling o! He was on television o, in magazines o…cho, he was on CNN la!
Suddenly, Kuukuwaa’s devil taboo baby was world famous o!
And Kuukuwaa was in the news!
When Kofi Diamond came back from his studies, he was given a government-issued big house, but this boy said he wanted a place to be built for him right in the middle of the village o!
Now, here’s the good part…
The government built a huge scientific centre right here in the middle of the village! Because of Kofi Diamond, electricity came to this village o! Heerh, the boy designed crazy instruments and invented massive things o!
Tweapuu!
The boy brilliant pass Angel Michael!
Come see white people coming to the centre to consult with the boy o!
Come see money falling on Kofi Diamond o!
He invented legs and arms for himself la, artificial things, but he could move la!
Hey, confusion come land!
Because of that boy this village was now famous and industrialized!
He was rich la! Famous la! Cracker la!
That was the time the Old Queen, King and Prince come realize sey, if Baba God say Shante, nobody can say Bobo!
His father came to beg him, and his grandparents came to beg him. The village begged him. Those who had wronged him begged him, and that was when all the stories came out!
VERSE 10
Now they wanted him to be king, but Kofi Diamond refused o!
How could he be King in the village when he was more than a King in the world?
Anyway, that boy was deformed, yes, but the jingade babalogo between his legs na firm and bulamama hard o! I swear Mountain Jato!
Some fine fine lady doctor from the city come fall in love with this man eh, and they got married.
Come see Kuukuwaa…na fine fine grandchildren she get now!
Look, Mensiwaa fell sick and almost died, but it was Kofi Diamond’s care that healed her!
Cho, he should’ve let her die la….’wickad’ women…heheheeey!
When Prince Ebo realized how wickad…heheyheeey…his mother and Mensiwaa had been, he sent Mensiwaa away, and he came back to his first love, and enjoyed his life with his first son!
Aaaaaah!
The thing pain me proper!
Like Kuukuwaa should drive him away and piss on his head! Remember he advised the poor woman to kill her own son?
Anyway, love is something bi, haahahaaa, and I’m sure he was not of sound mind that day he ordered the murder of his deformed son la!
Maybe Okomfo Apakye gave him some medicine la.
Anyway, moral of the story is simple:
Deformity no be disaster o, abeg my pipos!
Love all your children the same, for you don’t know who will come and heal you!
Anyway, I must turn in now.
The cold is bad, you see, and my wife is not here.
I’m the Narrator…
See you next Sunday!
See you next Sunday…
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