THE NARRATOR’S VERSES::
HELL IN HEAVEN
Maame Ohui found out that the man she was going to marry, Paa Kofi, was HIV positive just two weeks from their wedding.
Now if you had been Maame Ohui what would you have done?
I know most of you girls would’ve left him, abi, heheheeeheee!
I won’t fault you, though, if that happens to be your stance.
Anyway, welcome, welcome.
I tend to jump the gun sometimes, you see, but that’s old age for you.
Not that I have any regrets, though…no way, walahi!
I’m married to the love of my life…oh, yes, I remember I told you about her last week, so I won’t go there again.
Anyway, like I was saying, Maame Ohui found out her husband-to-be was carrying around some real mean viruses.
But before you jump to conclusions let me tell you that Paa Kofi wasn’t a womanizer like some people I know. Oh, yes, I know some real skirt bangers…any hole was accepted as long as it was on a woman, hehehhehe!
I knew this man, Agya Sumanguru, when I was a young man. Heeeerh, that man was a tail-chaser dread…heeeeeerh! Every woman, gbam! Every girl, gbam! He was the Capo di tutti Capi – the boss of bosses – of all the womanizers!
Do you know what happened to him eventually?
I learnt he was sholotowinging some woman whose husband just died a couple of days previously! Can you imagine? The woman was just a two-day old widow, and Agya Sumanguru was plucking her honeycomb sweetness….aaaba!
They said that in the course of the shelanguwey, he felt a sharp slap across his buttocks….kporrf!
Three days later the place he had been slapped started to rot.
Heeeerh, he went to fetish after fetish priest, pastor after pastor, but he still continued to rot until he died a most painful and terrible death!
Abi he go hammer two-day widow? Na ghost go hammer your ikebe!
But tweeaaa, the ghost no try! Sumanguru no rape your two-day old widow? Ebe the woman who opened the distin inside, abi?
So why give Sumanguru death hammer when your widow dey open inside like Chinese sandwich…hehehehehee?
Oh, see me o!
Sorry, sorry! Now where was I?
Oh, yes, I was telling you about the saint-like character traits of Paa Kofi. Tagging him a ‘saint’ is not meant as a glorification of a human being, but that man was a man among men. For starters, he was still a virgin at the age of thirty! He was a devout Christian, and a staunch activist for the works of the Lord.
He was a star, yes, because he was a movie director, producer and actor. Yep, he produced only Christian-themed movies for the screen. He was an assistant director at one of the big television stations, and he was a household name of sorts.
Now, Maame Ohui was comparatively new at the church, you see.
She was a new employee at the television station Paa Kofi worked at, and she eventually came to the church. Well, she was feisty alright, playing an active part in all spheres of the church. One elder remarked to me once that she was a real virtuous woman and all that dibidaba-dibidaba!
Now see, me I don’t really believe in that, you see. I mean, the public display of faith is not so much of interest to me than the private one…ahaaaaa, that is where the truth is. You see them in church in their white angelic forms, but after church they’re mini porn stars….heheheee!
Deceiving us and thinking they are deceiving God. Me I don’t trust anybody, not even you…the way your nose is shaking gbrada-gbrada like that…maybe after church you meet your boyfriend or girlfriend and wind like alukoto!
Thunder go faya your morff one day….heeheee! anyway, forgive me, that was just by the way.
But if you’re doing that please stop, okay? It is not good, hm? It brings all sorts of curses o, yoooo!!
Ah, well, so soon enough we learnt that Paa Kofi and Maame Ohui were going to get married because they were in love.
Good news! Hahaha!
Now, here was the catch: in our church we always insisted on couples going for a medical screening, and based on that we advised them if there were any health issues that needed to be addressed.
Hm. Now that was what brought all the wahala between Maame Ohui and Paa Kofi! You see, they went for the test at one of the best medical labs around, and both of them were confident that it was just a mere formality.
Paa Kofi was a virgin, and Maame Ohui claimed she had had only one lover previously, but that relationship ended about five years before she met Paa Kofi. The man in question, the one that ‘drilled’ her and paved her way – borrowing the terms of my friend Jacob Acquah, and laughing in Korean, hay-hay-hay-hayyyyy – was called Tawiah, who later left and travelled to the United States and didn’t come back.
She claimed that was not love, just infatuation blah blah blah…ei, women!
Meanwhile, when she opened the thing inside for him – to borrow the terms of my friend Juliana Dotse, also known sometimes as Julie FF, hehehe – and was receiving the rock of alambra kpa kpa kpa kpa like that, she was whispering ‘I love you, I love you’, but the moment she meets someone new, then that was not love!
If it was not love what was it?
Anyway, it is all by the way!
Ei, my stomach is paining me again!
I bought some waakye recently and ate. I had been passing bad wind since then, five days now! Making the wife even fed up. Meanwhile, she cooked my favourite – rice balls and palm nut soup – that day o! I don’t even know why I ate that toyooo waakye, like my good friend Doctor Jacob Acquah would say…heheehe!
Sorry, sorry. I’m sure you want to know what happened.
Konkonsa mouth like you…heheheeee!
I’ll tell you though, yes, so that you take some little ‘thing’ from it, at least.
Maame Ohui went for her results first, and she was negative, and we all breathed a sigh of relief because, frankly, she was the one we were all unsure about. In the case of Paa Kofi…forgetti, as Shatta Wele, ei, sorry, Wale, will put it, heheheeee!
Paa Kofi was more or less an angel, you see, or so we knew he would be as clean as Angel Gabriel!
Anyway, he made some time out of his busy schedule and went for his result. Now, Maame Ohui was waiting for him in the car park, sitting comfortably in Paa Kofi’s luxurious ‘tear-rubber’ Lexus four runner with the air-con blazing!
She was beginning to wonder why Paa Kofi was keeping so long, and contemplating going to check up on him, when the driver’s door opened, and Paa Kofi slipped into the car.
His coat was off, his tie undone, buttons opened on his shirt! He was a picture of doom, and when he turned to face her, ojigbijigbijigbi, his face was wet and his eyes were swollen by the depths of his tears! His eyes were so swollen that they were almost shut!
Maame Ohui grabbed him, thinking that maybe he had had some bad news about his ailing mother, and she demanded to know what was wrong!
Without a word Paa Kofi gave her the result of his medical test…
The devil is a liar! Thunder fire the head of the devil o!
Paa Kofi had tested positive for HIV o, na hin I dey see so?
Maame Ohui took one look at the result and moved away from Paa Kofi as if there was Korle Bu shit on him o!
The look of fear and disgust on her beautiful face really cut Paa Kofi to ribbons! He was weeping, his heart broken, and tried to hold her, but Maame Ohui was scared o, poor girl!
She opened her door and got out…otillo, she fled gidigidigidi!
Now don’t blame her too much!
This thing happened way back o, not now! It was the time AIDS was a champion killer, that time when chauvinistic men went on leave and stuck to their wives for fear of that virus o!
Anyway, Maame Ohui went to see the church Elders the following day and said she possibly couldn’t marry a man with HIV.
In other words, the wedding we had so elaborately planned, the wedding of the century, as it was dubbed, would not come off!
We tried to advise her, but was too scared, you see, and she took off her engagement ring and put it down. She begged us to give it to Paa Kofi because she couldn’t bear to look at him.
Look at him? Puuuuuu!
She was afeared la…heheheee!
She just couldn’t stand to be in his presence!
Ah well, let me cut it short small okay? I’m tired, and you have such sweet ears that if I don’t take time we’ll be here the whole night! Meanwhile, I have to go and lie down behind my wife’s double mountains of ajalaga, the most sweetest position to be!
Okay, okay, here we go!
Paa Kofi came to church and confessed to the whole congregation that he tested positive to HIV!
It was not only a shocker o, nooooo! Stinker too dey inside, heheheee!
I mean, here was a guy who had lived a life almost like a saint in the church, and was in the spotlight as a true symbolism of what the life of a true Christian should be!
He was handsome, famous, rich and well-known!
Many young Christians looked up to him, la!
Hmmm, it was not an easy period for Paa Kofi koraa….hmmm!
Oh, that day he shed tears in church whilst saying he had HIV!
He couldn’t control himself, and he was weeping so helplessly! He couldn’t even walk! We asked him how he got HIV, and he could not answer! He didn’t know how he got it!
But you know the world we live in! Conjectures were rife! Ahaaa!
They said he was a fake Christian, sleeping with multiple women on the side and pretending he loved God! They said God had revealed the real colours of Paa Kofi!
Oh, the newspapers took him down a dirty lane, ‘blasting’ and dragging his name through mud! Everywhere Paa Kofi turned, reporters were chasing him!
And then, woe of woes, he was sacked from the television station he worked at!
The television company couldn’t take the scandal and said Paa Kofi was dragging their good name down!
He was fired!
Meanwhile, Paa Kofi helped build that company from the grass o!
And you think you have problems?
You don’t know…heeeerh, problem pass problem wai!
Don’t ever give up, my friends. In all afflictions, present your case to God, and He would see you through.
As long as you’re a good Christian, you hear, or you’re truly ready to repent from your sins, God go shower breakthroughs on you that will even make Job jealous!
But if you’re doing mosquito sex style with people you’re not married to, or stealing, living in sin, and you still don’t want to change, and yet you expect miracles from God…ho, forgetti!
My padi, the only miracles you’re going to get are the free air, free rain, free sunshine, free moon and free sea to swim in o, hahahaa!
Change now, repent, and see real miracles live and coloured like Sokoto State television, hehehehe!
Wo! I dey stray again o!
Wo -like Olamide will say – wo! Sorry o!
Oya, let me continue na!
Paa Kofi begged Maame Ohui, telling her he didn’t know how he got HIV, but this dear girl didn’t want to even see Paa Kofi!
Mobrow, pity o! Ayooo! We all dey inside, abi!
Now Paa Kofi was out of a job, and he was a public ridicule! He could barely go out. To make matters worse, Tawiah came back!
Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten Tawiah!
He was that boy who shredded Maame Ohui’s virginity la, and then went to the United States of America! He was the man she didn’t hear of for more than five years!
And he came back to town in his new white Hummer with the heavy sounds! When the car passed all you heard was gbui, gbui, gbui, gbui and tse, tse, tse, tse…ahaaa, better sound! Na better sound for Hummer car inside ebe money kill am be dat o, hehehehe!
I swear, Tawiah’s dressing, from head to foot, could feed a village in my hometown for two week, yes, two week, not two weeks…heheheheee!
Wo! Olamide, Wo!
The beans is acting up in my belly again!
When you smell some bad scent don’t you dare look at me some kan way bi…your head like Kwesimintsim bofrot you hear? Hahahaaaa!
Anyway, let’s conclude now!
So Maame Ohui – her name sounded like Dabala kaklo, heheeee – was soon being seen around with Tawiah. Not before long she came to announce that Tawiah wanted to marry her and send her to USA to live together as man and wife.
The news shattered Paa Kofi, almost killed him, I tell you, because he loved Maame Ohui die!
He loved her faint! In fact, thunder fire anybody that say he didn’t love Maame Ohui…kikikikiiii, na Mayorkun of Nigeria sing that fornicating song, abi, but I like the song paa!
Okay, so another television station that was struggling to survive approached Paa Kofi eventually!
Their assistant director, a lovely woman called Ama Boatemaa, approached Paa Kofi and offered him employment to bring his progammes he was hosting on that other forkin network to their station!
Ah well, one man’s sholobodo talia is another man’s palapala, so they say!
So as Maame Ohui was busy preparing for a wedding, Paa Kofi threw himself into his new employment.
He even introduced a new television Programme titled THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH!
On that programme, Christians and non-believers facing death situations and finding comfort in God’s love shared their stories with the world!
The programme was a bomb! Not even a bomb la…it was atomic blast, more than virus!
It was so akolobot, I tell ya!
Even CNN came to carry it on one of its mini stations! Heeerh! Now the television station was getting more adverts and support and recognition!
And, most importantly, God blessed that station because of Paa Kofi’s presence, and it started making big money!
His old station saw their folly, and they came back to him with a better deal: a salary raise, extra cars, more, more, more!
Paa Kofi smiled, and showed them the door!
Now, Tawiah left again to the USA to bring more money and friends to his wedding!
Paa Kofi had moved on, see, and he was beginning to enjoy his new life, having found faith again in God!
Now he saw Ama Boatemaa looking at him ‘some kan way bi’ heheheehe!
She was a strange one, that girl! She could eat with Paa Kofi, hug him, play with him, spend countless hours with him!
On one occasion, they were having an office party when Paa Kofi slipped and fell down! A broken glass pierced his palm, and blood was gushing out!
Come and see how people were running away from that blood spewing out of the boy’s hand!
All except one person…Ama Boatemaa!
Ei, that woman is something else!
She just picked up the first aid box, donned a surgical glove, and proceeded to dress up Paa Kofi’s hand even though he protested strongly!
They were standing there, so close together, she fixing his hand without any shred of fear, and he looking at her as if he had seen her for the first time, and knowing quite suddenly that she was a different kind of woman.
And the other people who had fled slowly came back with various looks of shame on their faces, and then Paa Kofi spoke gently.
“Why did you do this?”
She did not look at him, but spoke whilst taping the wound.
“Because I researched into HIV,” she said simply. “It would amaze you to know that even though you’re infected there are techniques you can use to make love, and even have babies.”
“You researched into HIV, Ama?” Paa Kofi asked, dumbfounded.
“Yes, I did,” replied that dear girl.
“But why?” Paa Kofi asked with some confusion, and I hear that was the moment the girl looked up finally at him, and there were tears streaming down her face.
“Because I love you, silly boy!” she said softly. “And you better ask me to marry you before I poke out your eyes!”
I hear that the boy couldn’t speak for a long time as tears came to his eyes.
To know that someone was willing to marry him, even in his condition, was something he had never imagined.
So, hehehehe, we had a kind of dicey situation on our hands now!
Paa Kofi had ended up with Ama Boatemaa, and Maa Ohui was going to marry Tawiah.
Now, that was something sick, wasn’t it?
Okay, okay, now here comes the real conclusion!
You might be wondering why I described the whole scene as sick, right?
Well, let me tell you why, since your ears ‘sweet’ you like Tamale kaklo….kikikikii!
Three couples were going to be married on consecutive weekends, so the marriage committee of the church met all of them to give them a bit of counselling, you know. Now, they had asked Tawiah to bring the results of his medical test, and he brought it that day.
Now believe me, all the tales I tell you on Sundays are true!
I’m the Narrator, remember, and I tell no damn lies!
So there they were, all waiting for the pastor to come so that the session would start. There was a first couple who would marry the following Saturday, and then there were Paa Kofi and Ama Boatemaa, and of course Maame Ohui and Tawia.
The door suddenly opened and Pastor Obiba Nua entered, and he was laughing and smiling broadly. He was holding a newspaper.
“Kofi, my darling boy, God loves you so much! I read in the newspaper that you’re dead and your funeral is next month!”
And then he burst into raucous laughter, making everybody look at him with some kind of shock. He could barely control himself as he sat down and looked at the shocked faces looking around at him.
“Oh, sorry, folks,” Pastor Obiba Onua said. “Just joking! There was an obituary in the newspaper about a man called Paa Kofi who died a week ago at the hospital, and I became quite scared. But the accompanying photograph isn’t our Kofi. This man’s nickname was Sunsum! Hahaha! It scared me a bit because they had the same name Paa Kofi!”
Everybody laughed, relieved, and the meeting got under way!
But Maame Ohui seemed under great tension all the while, glancing often at Ama Boatemaa. Obviously there was a lot on her mind.
The pastor was espousing on the virtues of a virtuous woman when Paa Kofi suddenly screamed and got to his feet, disturbing and scaring everyone around.
I mean, when an HIV person suddenly stands up and screams, that shit is quite scary, I guarantee you…..hahahahaaaa!
So everybody was stunned, looking at Paa Kofi with worry.
The man’s face was awash with sweat as he looked at the pastor.
“Pastor, you said the man’s nickname is Sunsum?” he asked in a trembling voice.
“Yes,” the pastor replied, puzzled.
“Pl-please…you said th-there wa-was a photo in the newspaper?” Paa Kofi asked in a trembling voice.
“What’s the meaning of this, Kofi, huh?” the pastor said, obviously worried. “I said he had the same name as you, but it wasn’t you! Sorry if I agitated you!”
And that was when Paa Kofi held up trembling hand.
“The day I went for the HIV test there was a man, a Rastafarian, who was also coming for a test, and who was saying God doesn’t exist! I started to tell him about God! When I asked his name he said he’s called Sunsum!”
Now not many people got it, but Ama Boatemaa surely got it!
She got to her feet and rushed to the table and grabbed the newspaper, opened it to the obituaries, located the name of Paa Kofi Sunsum, and showed it to the trembling Kofi…
And there it was!
It was the same man Kofi had spoken to in the lab!
Kofi was trembling as he sat down hard.
“What is going on?” Maame Ohui asked with sudden fear.
Ama Boatemaa turned to her gleefully.
“Don’t you get it?” Ama said, very excited. “Two men went to test for HIV! Both of them were named Paa Kofi, except that one of them had Sunsum as a nickname!”
“Jesus!” Pastor Obiba Onua shouted, jumping to his feet. “If Sunsum wasn’t written as part of the man’s name, it can be that there were two result sheets with Paa Kofi on them!”
“And maybe Paa Kofi was accidentally given the result of Sunsum, and vice versa!”
“Oh, no, no, no, no!” Maame Ohui was shaking as she sat down hard on her seat.
Luckily, Paa Kofi’s test results was still in the files, and the pastor quickly brought it out!
A glance at it showed that the address was wrong, and the age was wrong!
Paa Kofi took his phone and called the lab.
The shaken manager went to his computer and in a moment it was confirmed!
Paa Kofi was given a wrong result sheet!
He was HIV negative!
The other Paa Kofi, that Rastafarian called Sunsum, he had gotten Paa Kofi’s result…and now he was dead!
Who say Allah no dey?
What a shock, what a delight, what joy!
Paa Kofi and Ama Boatemaa were hugging and weeping for joy!
It had all been a horrible mix-up, and now they could go out there and clear his good name!
It was around that time that Pastor Obiba Onua opened Tawiah’s medical result…
Now, I told you already, this is a damn true story! Don’t you go rolling your eyes like some maggot that had sighted a pile of, erm, soft mud!
Na true story paa!
Pastor Obiba Onua looked at Tawiah with shock all over his face.
“Maame Ohui, you can’t marry this gentleman!” the pastor whispered, aghast. “He has HIV!”
And then a look of sheer horror spread on Maame Ohui’s face, and suddenly it dawned on Pastor Obiba Onua.
“Maame!” he screamed shrilly. “Don’t tell me you slept with this man! Don’t tell me you slept with him outside marriage! Oh, don’t tell me you fornicated with him!”
The way Maame Ohui suddenly keeled over and crashed to the floor heavily, taking all the chairs down…I was really tempted to think that maybe she not only slept with that man.
Maybe she did a lot of nasty things with him too….hayhayhayhay….laughing in Korean!
She did all the nasty, horrible things some women do when they think they’re insulting God….hahahhakikiikiii!!
You know those things…licking and inserting and spreading like porn stars…..
So, in the end, Paa Kofi found true love, escaped AIDS, and Maame Ohui received AIDS.
Now, you know I always tell you every story has a moral, right?
So what’s the moral for this story?
Maybe you should ask for the nickname of Rastafarians you meet?
No, no, just joking, ha!
The Nigerians would say sha!
My moral is simple…
Love with your heart…not with your mind alone!
Never forget, many are the afflictions of the righteous, the Good Lord delivers him from them all…
Well in the end Maame Ohui became a very staunch Christian.
Her favourite friends were Mr. Paa Kofi and his beautiful wife, Ama Boatemaa!
You see, nowadays improvements in the treatment of HIV has ensured that patients now live long, normal lives, and can even marry and raise great families. Maame Ohui has decided to use her experiences to educate others, and even hosts one of Paa Kofi’s programmes. She has decided not to marry, because deep down she still loves Paa Kofi…
But the God we serve moves in mysterious ways, so who knows…maybe one day she will find her true love
Maybe you this man, listening to this, will marry her…hayhayhayhay!
Well, he died!
No, no, not through AIDS…this your wild imaginative mind will cause you problems o, yooo!
When Maame Ohui refused to marry him, and he realized he had HIV, he couldn’t control it!
I learnt he went on a sinful spree, sleeping indiscriminately with a lot of girls, spreading the virus!
Hehehee, I hope you didn’t meet him o, I hope you didn’t sleep with him o!
Anyway, he got drunk one night and drove his car under an articulated truck…died on the spot!
When people opened the door to drag his body out, the sounds from his music was still going boom, booom booom!
I’m the Narrator, and these are my verses….
See you next Sunday.
See you next Sunday…
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