ALEXANDER AKOTO ADJEI

THE COFFIN MAKER

EPISODE 16-18

Episode 16

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Hmmm, the room is very hot this afternoon so why don’t we sit outside here under the tree and enjoy the cool breeze.

Opana

Since when did you start to host me outside your room, even when the electrician hadn’t fixed the meter for you to get electricity in your room we sat together in the room so why the change of plans now? Well I came to spend quality time with you so I am going inside to wait for you, when you enjoy enough breeze under the tree you can join me inside.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Hmmmm, but you always call me when coming so why this sudden popping up here today?

Opana

I told you I wanted to spend quality time with you and also surprise you, is it a crime to come here unannounced? Am I not the one who pays the bills here?

Kuukua Nhyiraba

If you say so I have heard you, come inside then. I could have prepared something for you before you got here if you had called me.

Opana

I’m not hungry this afternoon but why is your room scattered this way? Look at how your bed and hair is messed up? Is everything alright with you Kuukua because everything you are doing looks strange to me this afternoon?

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Everything is fine with me my love. Don’t worry we will spend quality time together my dear.

Opana

I love what my ears just heard. I know this place is where to be called home sweet home. I brought you a very sophisticated phone and am going to give you  additional money to the one I gave you yesterday.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Waooow, you don’t know what I am about to do to you this afternoon. Let me take a quick shower, I will be right back.

Opana

Hahahahahaha, you know I fear nothing at all in this world. Don’t keep me waiting for long.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Okay darling, I will be back even before you think of it.

Kuukua Nhyiraba leaves the room to shower and Opana rest on the bed to wait for her.

In her absence,  Opana felt discomfort in his stomach and he starts to release powerful “bombs” since he felt he was all alone in the room.  He held his nose and blows air to his face to clear the bad odour that came after he dropped those “bombs”,  

 

“Eeeeiiii,  the way my stomach smells am scared ooo, hope my intestines are not rotten inside my body because this bad scent can cure madness and make a deaf person to start talking but what noise did I hear like am not alone in this room?”   

 

A while later Kuukua Nhyiraba joined  him in the room looking all fresh and sexy.   Opana nearly run mad in seeing the nakedness of Kuukua Nkyiraba when she dropped her cloth.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Baby boy so what did you say you have for me?

Opana

Women and how they display their powers, always using your body to get what you want. Well I decided to add extra One Thousand Cedis(GHC1,000.00) to the amount I gave you yesterday and since you said you wanted a phone to Whatsapp and something, I got you this phone, Samsung Note 8.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Wooooooow, you are such a darling and I bless the day I set eyes on you. You are the best my dear, now come here and let me give you a hot afternoon treat, I have  special sex styles  that will blow your mind and render you paralyzed today.

Opana and his mistress engaged themselves in some rounds of quality, powerful mind-blowing sex and after that they all lie down in bed and Opana starts to crack jokes to the amusement of his mistress, he started  with a young man who goes to the city and smoke high grade marijuana and later came home to dance to the tune of a generator set sound of his next door neighbour all night long and as if that was not enough, early the next morning he mixed detergent in a bucket, picks a mob and goes to the street and starts mobbing the street.

Kuukua laughed uncontrollably that tears started dropping from her eyes but what almost killed her was the joke of a guy who chased after a very tall and well-built thief on the street, everyone stopped chasing after this thief but this young guy was still chasing the thief all because he wanted to impress a lady.  

 

The thief turned and realised that it was only this smallish guy who was chasing him,  he turned and with a big voice screamed herh so you are the strongman who wants to apprehend me huh?  I will break your bones today, the young guy now pretended to be a madman and told the thief that he is a madman who is going his way and walked pass the thief faking as a lunatic.

 

From nowhere Opana hears a loud laughter that made him jump on his feet. He bent down and saw  a jeans trouser and boxer shorts lying at the corner of the room, he reaches for his phone and puts the touch light on, and to his amazement he saw someone hiding under the bed. He instructed the person to come out and to his greatest surprise when the person came out it was no one but Kwame Fred.

 

Opana

Herh, what are you doing here Kwame Fred?  Kuukua so all this while that you have been acting weird it was because you were harbouring this fool in the room that I pay rent on, is he the reason why you always complain that you are broke?  So you have been robbing Peter to pay Paul right?  Young man it seems I am the one who will send you to your early grave.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Darling please forgive me, I knew this guy long before you met me and I didn’t want to turn your proposal down because you were all over me and you promised to take very good care of me.  Honestly, I didn’t feel anything for you but as we started this relationship, I have grown so fond of you that there is no single minute passes by without me not thinking about you.

Opana

Spare me that expensive lie, do I look like a fool to you? So all the sweat that I came to meet on you was not from any medicine you took nor any aerobic exercise but rather from the work this fool was engaging you in, I should have known this long time ago. And you Kwame Fred so you have been sharing my mistress with me all this while and that wasn’t enough for you that you wanted to add my daughter to it huh?  You again wanted me dead which I did not understand but I have gotten a clearer picture now. You know with just a call my boys will just come after you but because of the fear of God I will let you live on this earth, what you and Kuukua Nhyiraba have gotten from me is enough but you won’t get me again.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

(on her knees begging for mercy)

Please my love don’t say that and please give me another chance to prove to you that I really love you, I only felt pity for Kwame Fred last night when he came to knock at my door with blood stains all over his body, but I don’t know where he got the strength he was using to bang me. I gave in to his demands because I didn’t want him to feel any more pain than he was already feeling. Believe me I have broken up with him several months ago and yesterday was the first time I saw him after I broke up with him.

Opana

My friend shut up because I don’t care if what you feel for him is pity, compassion, lust or love. If I had married you this would be the same thing you will do, today I call a spade a spade and not a big spoon. Don’t ever call my line again, don’t send me messages again and in fact anything that tied us together has been broken. In other words it’s over between us for good, am going to my wife to spend the rest of my life with her.

Kuukua Nhyiraba

Kwame Fred, you see what you have caused  me you bad luck guy.  Leave my room this very moment. You have destroyed everything I worked for over this months with your selfish ambition and I regret opening my door for you last night.

Kwame Fred

Please sir, forgive her, I took advantage over her as I knew her weakness, if I knew she was engaged to you or shared any bond with you l would not have bothered  to come close to her, she tried to stop me when I started but I didn’t listen to her.

Opana

If you don’t shut your mouth,  I will descend on you like a thunder storm, today which profession are you practicing because last time you were a fashion designer and today you are an under the bed so you are a bed engineer huh?

Kuukua I have spoken and won’t go against my words, give me the phone I gave to you and for the money you can keep it and use it as a breaking up benefit or better still an ex gratia. Enjoy your young life and continue with your fun I am out of here.

Opana walks out of the room with pain taking hostage over his body and emotion, going to the house now was only going to compound his pain and anger so he diverted his attention to the palm wine joint to drink his sorrows away as most cowards do.

We know that drinking our heads off will never solve the problem we are faced with but we will always hire the services of alcohol.

Opana got to the joint and started ordering bottle upon bottle, he drunk the palm wine in a way he hasn’t done before ever since he started taking in alcohol, he paid his friend as he told him he was closing for the day and even took extra 2 bottles with him as he left the palm wine joint.

 

Do you know that every drunkard no matter how drunk he or she is, knows the way to his house? Don’t ever be deceived by a drunkard that any negative thing he or she did, the alcohol controlled him or her because they never drink their brains off.  He managed to get home safely and as  he entered his room his wife,  who was in the living room was so surprised to see his husband in that compromising state because for over the 30years that they have been together she had never seen her husband this way before. She took the bottles of palm wine and placed them in the fridge and served her husband his food but Opana couldn’t even locate his mouth so his wife helped feed him and then took him to their bedroom to bathe him, she placed him on the bed and he immediately fell asleep. She decided to put her husband’s trousers in the laundry basket and that was when the unexpected happened.

Episode 17

Akua Yankey

(tries to put Opana’s trousers  in the laundry bag and money (50 Cedis notes dropped from the pocket)

So, this man has gotten such money on him and that has led him to drink himself to stupor. Well this is the opportunity for me to enrich myself a bit because even if I ask him for money the next morning he will give me the excuse of not having money and more over Kwaku Mike says he needs money to do something urgently, it could be work related and I have to help him out at all course because his father see him as a liability in this house now. Let me take like a Thousand Cedis (1000.00) out of it, I will give part to Mike and start some small business with the rest. If he wakes up tomorrow and he complains, I will just remind him of the state he came home last night and also let me drop the trousers close to him so that he does not suspect me of theft.  God please forgive me for what I am about to do because I have never stolen from my husband ever since I started sharing a room with him but sometimes “when the going gets tough the tough gets going”. I promise never to engage myself in such act again through Jesus Christ our saviour.

Next Morning

Opana

Why is my head aching me like this?

Akua Yankey(walks in with coffee) Why won’t you head ache you as you came home drunk and was fuming at everyone like a pig who has just put to birth.

Opana(seeing the treatment his wife is giving him and he falls in love with her all over again) is that so my Queen? I don’t even know how I got home last night ooo, but I must confess you are looking very young and hot this morning paa ooo.

Akua YankeyHehehe are you sure the alcohol you took isn’t still controlling you?

OpanaAh why that question my Queen?

Akua Yankey

Did you just address me as your Queen?

Opana

Of course, that is what you heard coming out from my mouth.

Akua Yankey

Mmmm, I thought I heard you wrongly when you first mentioned that word because for over 30years now I don’t remember the last time you used that adjective to qualify me. I remember vividly that ever since you got to know that am pregnant for you that word vanished from you dictionary. Well, if the palm wine you took last night is responsible for this sweet words then I myself will go to the joint and buy you bottle upon bottles because I miss those sweet moments when you were chasing after me and using those words to lure me into a relationship.

Opana

Women and sweet things, don’t you know after elections there is no campaign. If not for the headache am feeling like I will just give it to you here and now in a very powerful way.

Akua Yankey

Is that so? Well you can rest while I ride you, you know I haven’t lost touch of my experience and it’s been months that you touched me. The doctors who come to sit on the television say sex is even a therapy which cures headaches, relieves stress, gives a healthy heart and makes a person’s day brighter.

Opana

Then, I’m all yours my Queen. Take me to paradise right this moment.

 

In the next 2hours Opana and his wife engage themselves in a highly rated world cup finals which got both of them emotionally and physically satisfied. But do you also know that good sex makes people apologise for things they haven’t done yet and also say things they never dreamt of disclosing to people? If you think am exaggerating you can try and see.

Opana

Akua my sweet potato, my first lady, the mother of my children, commander of my emotions, the owner of my heart and the controller of my life.

Akua Yankey

Eeeeiiii, so are all these sweet words are for me alone? Well am sorry for whatever I also did to you or am yet to do to you. Please always find a place in your heart to forgive me anytime I wrong you.

Opana

I have heard you my dear. Let me freshen up and move to my office.

Akua Yankey

Okay then let me also quickly prepare your breakfast for you. But with this lovely reunion you must go with me to church this Sunday to thank the Lord.

Opana

My dear are you reading my mind? This Sunday am going to resume church after taking an indefinite leave. Let’s just pray for strength and life on that day my dear. Please hurry up with my breakfast.

Opana comes out of his bedroom to meet his breakfast ready. He wasted no time in making justice to it and left the house for his shop. Before he gets to the shop, he heard a  loud noise coming from his workshop so he doubles his steps only to meet a riot there.

Opana

(screaming on top of his voice)

Hey what the hell is going on here? Who are these stupid girls fighting in my shop this early morning? Are you girls mad or you are now running mad?  Does this place look like the Bukom Boxing Arena? Now tell me why you want to pull my shop down with you cacophonic noise and tantrums? Now you slim lady who are you and where from you?

Slim Lady

I am Ohema Nash and am from this town.

Opana

And what about you, fat lady and why are you intimidating the other lady?

Fat Lady

Am Mama Gee and also from this town. This girl like a sugar cane has been chasing after my man and today I came to meet her collecting money from my man, I tried to collect the money my man gave her and she was proving stubborn so I decided to put her in her rightful position.

Slim Lady

You liar and cheap slut, so after introducing my man to you, you went behind me to date him and you have the nerves to relate to him as your man. Your man indeed, ooooh ashawo without certificate.

Fat Lady

I will slap you if you don’t keep quite you broomstick. I am the one he prefers and not you. Men like meat and not bones, you……..

Opana

(screaming on top of his voice) 

Now, will you 2 stupid girls keep quite before I slap the foolishness out of you?  Don’t you have respect for your elders? Am here and you still want to pick up a fight. If you are so desperate to fight go to the school field and start your fight there and not in my shop. You, you said you are called Mama Gee and you too you said you are Ohema Nash. Did your parents give you this useless names and who are your parents even?

Mama Gee

My mother is Awo Yaa, the woman who sell  hair dye at the entrance of the market and she gave me the name Georgina Maame Mireku but I prefer to be called Mama Gee.

Opana

Wow beautiful, now what about you Ohema Nash?

Slim Lady

My name is Ohenewaa Natasha and my father and mother operates the chop bar at the market square.

Opana

Wonderful, both of you clap for yourselves. Do you hear how stupid you people are sounding? You left the comfort of your homes to fight for just an apprentice here in my shop but before I forget who is the man that you people want to kill yourselves for?

Slim Lady

My lover boy is the owner of this shop and he is Yaw Manu.

Opana

Awww, my God!!! Me p3 why did you decide to send me this problematic baboon as an apprentice? We haven’t solved your 3 pregnancy issues and you are still here to increase our problems. Yaw Manu let me ask you and please tell me the truth, are you a cursed person or rejected person from the land of the gods? It seems you hold a PhD in deceiving these  small girls and I don’t know what they see in you.

1st Apprentice

Master, it is only this shop that you see and regard me as hopeless but outside there they see me as a boss and a 5star General in the world.

Opana

May thunder locate and fire your mouth. I think I have had enough of your problems and issues, go home for I have suspended you indefinitely and if I want or need you, I will send for you. Now leave my presence before I do something nasty to you

1st Apprentice

Fire burn all my enemies of progress, PhD people (pull him down), and nobody can kill my shine no matter what happens. You can delay my blessings and happiness but you can’t take my Destiny and promotion from me.

Opana

Is that stupid comment directed to me?

1st Apprentice

He who the cap fit, let him wear it. All the people who wish my downfall will live to see my greatness and will even come before me for mercy and favour pretty soon.

Opana(picks a hammer close to him and signals his boys to capture their senior apprentice for him) are you now running? Foolish fool, idiot, imbecile, bastard, dimwit, you should have stood there to also listen to what I have to say and I will rearrange your teeth for you. Now listen to me all of you, anytime he comes here without me inviting him over, you can attack him and deal with him for me, I will reward the person who is able to do that handsomely. Now go back to what you were doing before that mistake of a creation called for your attention.

All Apprentices

We have heard you loud and clear boss.

Opana sits in his usual corner of the shop and counted the money on him but after counting the money severally he realised  that the money on him has reduced drastically. He starts to run a quick data check on his expenses the previous night and he can’t simply calculate the amount he spent the previous night but he knew very well that, the money he spent last night doesn’t tally with the money left on him.  After contemplating for close to an hour a devilish smile engulfed his face.

 

OPANA’S LIVING ROOM

Akua Yankey

Kwaku Mike, you know all my life, I have vowed to do everything in my capacity to place you on a standard that you will be respected amongst your peers. You haven’t told me the exact reason why you need the money but I have gone to borrow money from a friend of mine for you. Make good use of the money I will give you and let something positive comes out of it.

Michael Ansah

Mummy you have always been a solid force behind me. You are the only person on earth that understands me very well and I promise to make you proud someday to come.

Akua Yankey

I have trust and hope in you because you are my only son and first child. Your little ones will always look up to you as a mentor and a role model that is why I always do my best to position you well amongst your siblings. I need not remind you that there is a big challenge ahead of you since you are a man, for your sisters they will definitely get men to marry them and send them to their homes. If the name of your father will stay on this earth then it depends on the path you take. Your father doesn’t hate you but he wants the best for you, he wants to see you being a man and taking full responsibility of your positions.  I will reserve my comments for now and see what difference you will bring on board in the days ahead.

OPANA’s SHOP

Opana

I know nobody will own up if I put up a simple question to the folks back home as to who have unwelcomely taken a tour in my pocket but I have gotten my prime suspect and I know how am going to make the person confess to me in a very professional way. I am still in a very comfortable lead. Hahahahahahaha!!!! Opana “the rough boy”, am too much…

Who is Opana suspecting and how will he be able to finger out the right person who is behind the theft? Your guess might be wrong but yet still only time will be the best judge.

Follow and Like my fan page on Facebook with the name Akoto Adjei Adjei Alexander Fan page or better still link up with me on Whatsapp number +233249446151 for any business proposals or discussion.

Episode 18

Opana

I will pretend as if am drunk again tonight and get a better confirmation so I know the next step to take. If you smell what Opana is cooking like you will get your bowl ready to be served.

 

The rest of the day went on smoothly but Opana nutured and haboured pain in him as he reminisced on what happened to him the previous day, he left the shop to the palm wine joint to drink his head off but today he drunk with caution so that he wouldn’t exceed his drinking limit. Before he left he bought extra 2bottles to take home and some few meters to his house he pretended that he was helplessly drunk. He got home to meet his wife at the living room watching a kumawood movie and laughing at the funny display of Akrobeto and Kwadwo Nkansah Lil Wayne.

Akua Yankey

Not again Kofi, why have you decided to take this path? You came home heavily drunk last night and today too you have repeated it again, I know things aren’t going on well for you in this house but drinking won’t solve the problem either. All the same as someone goat dies, someone’s pot also smells good. Let me feed you and bathe you after that, I thought you will come home with happiness judging from what happened this morning. We could have played the grand finally this evening as you had manage to make me few like a 25years lady within. All the same it will happen at the right time.

Akua Yankey again puts the bottles of palm wine in the fridge and feeds her husband then takes him to the bathroom and bathe him. She brought him back to the bedroom and lies next to him on the bed admiring the love of her life sleep like a new baby without any worries or problems. After admiring him for a while she felt asleep and woke up at half past 4am, as she stood up to do her morning chores, she saw some cedi notes at the breast pocket of her husband and quickly she got tempted and took some reasonable amount of notes from the money in the pocket. She pleaded with God for forgiveness as she hid the money in her pant.

 

Fast forward:

Opana wakes up to meet breakfast in bed. He ate, took his bath and before he left the house, he throws a mindblowing question to his wife and children at the living room.

Opana

For sometime now, I have come to realise that the money I always bring home keeps reducing the next day. If you know you are the one you better start confessing in a matured and professional way for me to forgive the person.

Bernice Ansah

Papa since when did stealing take effect in this house? You know when you leave or mistakenly drop your money in this house, you come back to meet your thing so where from this conception.

Akua Yankey

(feeling guilty but had to play a tough person)

Say it again my daughter, his money started dwindling the very moment he started coming home late and drunk. Who knows whether you spent it on those drunkards or you even gave it out to a new girl you have gotten out there?

Opana

So, you think I will come home drunk if truly I have gotten myself a new girlfriend huh? Not to worry, since I know now that the spirits of the people I sell coffin to, come and pay me a visit and liquidate my finances, I know what to do. “If the hunter has learnt how to shoot without missing his target, the bird will also learnt to fly and not to perch on any tree branch”.

Akua Yankey

I hope you haven’t landed yourself with a girl or planning to get one because I won’t allow that, not even for a day.

Bernice Ansah

Yes, I support you mummy. We won’t allow anyone to share our father with you as you are still alive, strong and beautiful.

Akua Yankey

Thank you, my daughter for standing behind me, I know I have a battalion to stand and fight for me.

Opana

Now am been robbed in my own house and the culprits decide to rebel against me? I know my suspects and soon I will come chasing after them. For you Adjoa Bernice I don’t really trust you and I will say you are my prime suspect followed by your elder brother. Leticia and Deborah are in school so they are out of this hunt, if you know you are behind this theft issue just confess to me so I drop my charges and plans right here and now.

Michael Ansah

Papa the fact that I have kept mute all this while doesn’t mean I am guilty or I know anything about what is going on. Please I beg of you not to involve me in this issue of yours.

Opana

Don’t worry my good people, I just know what to do which has kept me in a very comfortable lead because before any of you think then I have thought. Remember I came to the world long before any of your saw the sunlight.

 

Opana storms out of the house in great furry to his shop. When he gets there the first thing he did was to count the money left on him to see how much was taken from him today by his suspect.

Opana

(whispering to himself)

So, my wife Akua Yankey thinks she is smart but she doesn’t know that am faster and way smarter than her. My plan is just unfolding itself just the way I want it and soon she will fall into my trap like a mouse and when I grab her, she won’t get any excuse to give.

Three Days On:

Opana goes to a place to enquire if what he ordered for is ready.

 

Opana

Hello my brother, I saw your missed calls and I trust my things are ready?

Pharmacist

Oh yes, I have managed to get some for you even though it wasn’t easy. The way you made me suffer you have to increase the money for me ooo?

Opana

Hahahaha, don’t worry my brother, you have done well so I will also make you smile so that when next I call on you, you will gladly assist me. Now add a pack of a scented condom to it for me.

Pharmacist

Okay sir, I have just what you want so let me pack your stuff for you, I made the thing three instead of the two you ordered.

Opana

(seeing some other boxes of drugs on the pharmacist counter)

Ah, you know how to do correct transactions paa ooo but if I may ask, what medicines are this because the packaging looks nice and I perceive they are pretty expensive looking at it.

Pharmacist

Oh, you are right, they are miscellaneous antibiotics used in treating STD infections. This one here is Metronidazole, this is Tindamax, this too is Tinidazole and the last one is Flagyl 375. They are very effective when one takes it, no matter the infection it will flush it out from your system but just that they are very expensive. Am waiting for the person who ordered for it to come for it and pay me.

Opana

So, how much are we talking about here?

Pharmacist

About four hundred and eighty five cedis (485.00).

Opana

Wow, people are really suffering under their clothes, let me pay you and be on the way but remember to keep our little transaction very discreet. You can keep the balance and thanks very much for your assistance.

Pharmacist

Am very grateful sir, I am always at your humble service my boss. Thanks so much.

After some minutes someone walks out from the inner room of the shop, sweating like he was been chased by a mob.

Michael Ansah

Herh, that was close, he nearly caught me.

Pharmacist

Who are you talking about?

Michael Ansah

I’m talking about the man who just left your shop, he is my father and if he caught up with me here and asked me what I was doing here like I won’t get any answer for him but what did he come here to do.

Pharmacist

(remembers the last request of Opana to keep their transaction discreet)

On that man, he came to buy his favourite condom because he said he has a though game with his wife at home and he doesn’t want any more children so he is playing safe.

Michael Ansah

Lol!!! My father will never grow old, I have been hearing of their night crusades in their room sometimes and I become jealous most at times because I sleep alone.

Pharmacist

My friend give me my money and be on your way home. Instead of thinking on how to cure yourself, you are here fantasizing on what two matured people are doing in the room. You sleep alone but have contracted STD!!!

Michael Ansah

My friend respect yourself oooo, the fact that you have helped me acquire these drugs doesn’t mean you can tell me that nonsense.

Opana goes back to the palm wine joint again and just takes a bottle of it and again orders for his usual 2bottles to be taken home. Some few meters to his house he positions the item he bought at the pharmacy shop well in his pocket and brings the condom pack out, he tears and leaves one condom in his pocket, he again gave a devilish smile and changes his walking to his house…

What could be under the sleeves of Opana?

What could be the other thing that Opana bought aside the condom pack?

Can you guess anything?

Follow and like my fanpage on Facebook with the name Akoto Adjei Alexander Fanpage or betterstill link up on Whatsapp with the number +233249446151 for any business deal or discussion.

Edited by:

Maureen Mensah

The Coffin Maker

THE WRITER

I am Akoto Adjei Alexander, a Christian. A product of Abetifi Presbyterian Senior High School, Abetifi-Kwahu. I am in my late 20’s and the last born of the boys my parent brought to earth. I am a fiction/scriptwriter who loves to write about nature and the realities of life. Furthermore, I do a little of Graphics Design, I do MC’ing of events somethings, a Motivational Speaker and a Relationship Talk Expert. 

Guest Writer: Alexander Akoto Adjei :: THE COFFIN MAKER :: EPISODE 14-15

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