The Coffin Maker

ALEXANDER AKOTO ADJEI

THE COFFIN MAKER

EPISODE 14-15

Episode 14

Commander

Just name it and I will do well to honour it.

Opana

Ah well, you asked for it so listen to what I have for you. The three thousand Ghana Cedis (3000) you promised to give my daughter, I am taking it from you as compensation for making my wife and children hear of your illegal affair with my underage daughter. Secondly, you will act as my guardian angel or bodyguard that any crisis I found myself, you will come to my rescue. Thirdly once in a while, I will come for money from you to boost my business and also sponsor my home to be a happy place. Lastly, I will like you to push my son into the Police Service.

Commander

(sweating in an air-conditioned room)

Hmmmm, there are some of your request I can grant easily but for some, they are beyond me.

Opana

(cuts in)

That was not what you told me earlier on, I expect you to just honour your word and grant my request. I will give you time to get back to me later with a reasonable response because I have got someone waiting for me and you add extra two thousand (2000) Ghana Cedis to the three thousand Ghana Cedis (3000) I requested for earlier on.

Commander

Hmmm, this is too much ooo!!!

Opana

Will it be too much to see your naked pictures in tomorrow morning’s Graphic?

Commander

Oh, I wasn’t referring to you even but the truth is I don’t have physical cash on me right now so please I will sign a cheque for you if you don’t mind. I beg of you my brother.

Opana

I don’t like cheques but I will be considerate and accept it and I hope the cheque you will write to me will not have any problem when I go to the bank to cash it.

Commander

Not at all my brother. Please here you are with the cheque, it is an open cheque.

Opana

Very good but please add extra fifty Ghana Cedis (50) to it as I will use it to board taxi to the bank. Mind you, I have a lot of duplicates of the pictures at vantage places so if you ask me to even delete what I showed to you earlier on I still have many to display so don’t try doing anything funny or silly. Now see me off because I have an unfinished business at the charge office.

Commander

(oblige and walks Opana out of his office)

Thanks very much for your understanding and patience, I owe you a very big favour.

Opana

(smiles as they get to the charge office)

Commander, you see this disrespectful lady? I want you to write to the appropriate quarters for her immediate transfer to the worst Police Service district in the country and I mean now.

Commander

My brother, please forgive her because she is one of my best officers I have here and losing her will be a very big blow to me. Corporal Iman Jawula are you sitting down? Go on your knees and start begging him, he has the power and influence to get you out of this place.

Officer

(down on her knees)

Am very sorry Sir. I was only following laid down procedures in this office, I never meant to be rude or disrespectful to you sir.

Opana

Hmmm, you are so lucky I am in a good mood today. Next time learn how to speak with people and don’t let that black khaki you are wearing to deceive you because before a wise young king was born, a stupid old man was already living. You and that stupid smelling criminal there were insulting and threatening me, now see your life, who is laughing last? Get up, go and sin no more.

Opana leaves the police station feeling very happy with himself and how he has been able to get the district commander at his corner.

Opana’s Compound:

Michael Ansah

Hey Aggie, so did you have to go that length to disgrace me before my father?

Agnes Kyerewaa

You called for it and you deserve every little thing I told him.

Michael Ansah

Oh, really, so why didn’t you inform him of the sexual escapades we have been engaging in already? You made it sound like I was now chasing after you but meanwhile, I have been drilling the oil in you for over 2 years now.

Agnes Kyerewaa

Oh, is that so? After drilling all the big barrels from my oil field as you claim, did my oil get finished? All you’re good at is throwing your waist up and down but you don’t know how to throw your hand and mind to get money. You are very lazy and self-centred.

Michael Ansah

Do you expect a fine boy and a degree holder like me to go and do that silly work? Ah just check me out, my dear, how were you expecting me to go and do a labourer work at the man’s worksite after you introduced me to him as your elder brother?  Was that stupid idiot expecting his “brother-in-law” to do labourer’s work on his building site? Hell, no I won’t descend that low whiles am still living in my father’s house.

Agnes Kyerewaa

Elder brother indeed, let your fine boy and degree get to your head and continue to daydream. You will eat your kenkey without fish. Does fine boy or degree put food on the table if you are not working? Even though I wasn’t able to complete secondary school, I have been using what I have to get what I want. Am not proud of it but sometimes a man has got to do what he does just to survive. If you care to know am doing some final touches of my 6-bedroom mansion in the city and my boutique is ready, I will be hanging my pants and bra soon as a form of retirement. Learn to count your teeth with your tongue because time waits for no man. You are not growing any younger by the day and if you don’t make a move in life, you will get nowhere. Move out of your comfort zone. I did that without a degree and see the result now. Learn to say “mine and not ours”. A word should be enough for the wise, fine boy indeed!!!

Michael Ansah

Hmmmm, so you have also joined them huh?

Agnes Kyerewaa

Am not them Mr Fine Boy, I am only telling you the truth as a concerned friend, so, you can either choose to take it or leave it. I have said my own.

Michael

Did you just relate to me as your friend?

Agnes Kyerewaa

You heard me right, were you expecting me to address you as my father or husband? You were just a friend to me and that anything I did with you didn’t have any strings attached.

Michael Ansah

So, you screaming baby more, baby I love you, sweetheart I love it, were all lies?

Agnes Kyerewaa

Baby boy, wake up and smell the hot coffee because anything said during orgasm are most of the time not true. Yes, you were good and strong in bed but truly you are lacking some qualities which happen to be in your pocket. Men love sex and women love money; you were lucky I was giving you sex for free without asking for a cedi from you in return. I was trying to fall in love with you but your joblessness has been pushing me from you, Mike I need a man who can support me in life and make life easy for me, no woman enjoys poverty or hardship. Make a move and leave your comfort zone.

Michael Ansah

So, all the doggy and Jackhammer sex positions I gave you were all in vain and am never going to have you for life?

Agnes Kyerewaa

(feeling horny hearing the sex positions)

So, because you know my weakness anytime you mention that word you want to use it against me huh, this is not fair at all Mike.

Michael Ansah

(plays smart and pulls Agnes close to him)

I have a lot in stock for you my cupcake. I have gotten a mouth-watering job offer in the city to work with one of the powerful media houses in the country with a mind-blowing salary and accommodation plus an official car. All this while I was searching for a better avenue to break the news to you but you never gave me the opportunity to express myself to you.

Agnes Kyerewaa

Oh, that is good news, I can’t believe am hearing this from you, Mike.  Come here and give me that doggy style that I have been depriving you off for some time now. Am dying to have you inside me.

Michael Ansah

Same here darling, you can’t imagine how I have missed that golden honey pot.

Later on:

Agnes Kyerewaa

Gosh, you were on fire Mike, you nearly made me lose my breath, wow!1 It was mind-blowing and spectacular, where from that strength?

Michael Ansah

The lion takes its strength and courage from its father and I must also confess that it tasted so good and am glad you gave it to me after I lied to you on my job issue.

Agnes Kyerewaa

(feeling betrayed but gets the strength to talk)

Ah, you thought you made a fool out of me, right? Well, take this sex we had some few minutes back as my ex gratia package for you because I have retired you in my life for good. Now leave my room you fool. Your body is older than your brain and don’t worry your head about the sperms you dropped in me because I have infected you with an STD. Visit the hospital early enough to get yourself treated. Idiot!!!

Michael Ansah

(sobbing)

Herh, Aggie you are wicked and heartless. God will punish you for what you have done to me and I will never forgive you for what you have done to me.

Agnes Kyerewaa

Hahahahahaha, I laugh enter your boxer inside, you thought you were taking advantage over me huh? If you want cheap things you get cheap troubles to buy. Mmmm go to the pharmacist and buy this drugs Metronidazole, Tinidazole, Tindamax and Flagyl 375. They are miscellaneous antibiotics and they are very expensive but it will cure you of the infection or you can decide to go to the hospital and go through their injection process. Am so done with you Mr. Fine Boy. Now get out of my room you fool. You think you’ve outsmarted me when I gave you my body, huh? You have just contracted Trichomoniasis and Chlamydia.

Michael Ansah

You are a witch. In fact, you are the devil incarnate and I will deal with you at the right time.

Agnes Kyerewaa

Oh, Mike did you just threaten me? Please, you come for another round of sex so that it cures you of the infection. Hahahahahaha.

 

Episode 15

Michael Ansah leaves the room of Agnes Kyerewaa feeling very troubled because all his life he has never been infected with any sexually transmitted disease before,  and from the way Agnes spoke the medicine he was going to use in treating this kind of infection is very expensive, and even if he tries to go to the town hospital, the doctor there is the current reverend minister of his church. How was he going to explain to the pastor how he contracted that very infectious disease when he is not married yet because the disease can only be transferred through unprotected sex and that has been the area the pastor has been hammering upon for the past 7 months in church. He entered the house and saw his mum seated in the living room watching tv but he walked past her without even greeting her, something which was unusual of him.

Akua Yankey

Kwaku Mike, didn’t you see me seated here for you to greet me or now am too small for you to see me and accord me some respect?

Michael Ansah

Am sorry mummy, am just worried about somethings going on in my head and life.

Akua Yankey

You know am your mum and I always have a listening ear for you my son, do you want to talk about it?

Michael Ansah

I can’t just open up to her. I was cautioned about this lady just yesternight and I run into her arms the following day. The sweet thing will indeed kill the fool. I will be okay, mummy. You know when am quiet for a while, I take brilliant decisions. So, don’t worry your head about me. Your little boy of yesterday is now a full-grown man, my sweet mother.

Akua Yankey

Okay oooo, if you say so, I will let you be, but please get yourself a pleasing face because now your face looks like someone who has seen a ghost.

Michael Ansah

I have heard you mummy but please can you lend me like five hundred Ghana Cedis (500)?

Akua Yankey

Hey, where do you expect me to get that kind of money from? You know the money your father gives me is a hand to mouth money. He promised to give me money to start my business again since the last one he gave me, you helped me in squandering it. But if I may ask what do you need that money for?

Michael Ansah

It’s kind of personal, mummy.

Akua Yankey

Hey, with this face you are having, I hope you have not impregnated any girl and you want money for abortion huh?

Michael Ansah

Ah mummy, give me a break. The fact that I requested for money to do something undisclosed, doesn’t mean that I have impregnated someone. The money I need is for a personal thing that requires immediate attention and if any delay creeps in, hmmmm it will bring problem oooo.

Akua Yankey

I will give you a clutch rather. If you are not ready to open up to me, then please yourself. After all, I can’t go and guarantee a loan for you which I don’t know the purpose of collecting the money.

Opana’s Shop:

2nd Customer

It’s good you are in on time. We were running out of patience as we need to be somewhere else.

Opana

Oh, forgive me, my noble customers. I had to go and meet the family head, whose ward’s coffin you’re taking. He was reluctant to give in to the idea I brought up, but after a series of dialogue and matured talks, he agreed to my plea. So, it is all yours and I believe you came along with the full amount we agreed upon?

1st Customer

It is very intact my boss. Please here you are. You can count it for confirmation.

Opana

(smiling and ordering his boys to wrap the coffin up)

Oh, no need to do that, because I now trust you guys and am happy doing business with you.

2nd Customer

Please can you now write a VAT receipt for us as we have to put the receipt on records because we will be rendering accounts to the family after the funeral.

Opana

VAT receipt in this town? My brother, no one in this town does business with any tax invoice or receipt. What at all does the government do with the taxes we pay? Isn’t it buying big cars and wasting it on unnecessary things? My receipt is even finished so let me just write and sign on a piece of paper for you. If your family head doesn’t understand, he can call my number on the paper I will give you for any clarification.

2nd Customer

This is preposterous and highly unprofessional sir. We came from a very long place and a very respected family; we have a lot of book long people in the family so it will be appropriate to get us the receipt.

Opana

Mmmm okay I will let my printer print some for me as soon as possible and send one of my boys to deliver it to you before the weekends. Hope you are okay with that?

1st Customer

That sounds good. Please do you have a car that can help us convey the coffin to our destination?

Opana

I have a truck driver who does that for my clients who do not come with a car to convey their coffin. So, I will call him so he comes around. You can then transact your business with him and come to a compromise.

Opana calls the truck driver and in no time, he shows up and they agree on a fee, two of the apprentices were asked to go with them to help convey the coffin.

Opana

Thanks for doing business with me and please try and convince your kinsmen to be dying rampantly so that my business can flourish.

2nd Customer

Excuse me, sir, please what did you say?

Opana

Oh, never mind it was just one of my silly jokes.

1st Customer

It better be and please, we will be expecting the receipt from you. It was nice doing business with you.

Opana

It is a pleasure but don’t forget that if you think of coffin, Opana must be the next thing to come to your mind. Now you and you, join my customers as they convey the coffin you just wrapped to their destination. You can take the rest of the day off.

Apprentices

(chorus voice)

Thank you, master Opana.

Opana

Now you come here, you see this money in my hand, it will take you years or possibly, it might not even happen for you to raise this money. Go to the bank and deposit it into my account and cash this cheque also and deposit it in the company’s account.

7th Apprentice

Master, am confused with the things you are telling me.

Opana

Oh my God!!!! Illiteracy is a disease. Hold your ear and let me break it down for you. Pay the physical cash am giving to you into my account and the money from the cheque into that of the company account. Do you now understand?

7th Apprentice

It is very clear now sir.

Opana

Am expecting a bank alert the moment you make the deposit and let me warn you that even if a cedi reduces from this money, erh, hmmmm only God knows what I will do to you and I believe you know very well that I am a baaaaaaad man.

7th Apprentice

I know very well boss.

Opana

Good!!! Now today am in a good mood so I will give every one of you here fifty Ghana Cedis (50) as a motivation allowance.

All Apprentices

(applauding and singing praises to their boss)

Master the master, master like no other, master the master of all masters, the one-touch man, Opana “the rough boy” you do all.

Opana

See how you are making noise as you heard of money. Well, I also feel like closing you people early today so you guys can go home and rest but anyone who comes to work late tomorrow will see the other side of me. Now, senior apprentice, come for the money and share it for them.

Opana leaves the shop and heads straight to his mistress house. He had plans to give her the phone he seized from his daughter and also add extra money to the one he gave her the previous day. As he gets to the place he sees the door locked but loud music is been played in the room, he knocks on the door severally, but no reply so he decided to call her line and he hears the phone ringing inside the room which convinces him that Kukua Nhyiraba is inside the room. So, he intensifies his knocking on the door and after a while, she opens the door drenched in sweat.

Opana

Why are you sweating so much like that my dear, isn’t the fan working?

Kuukua Nhyiraba

It is working but I took some medicine and doing some aerobic exercise inside the room, that is why am sweating like that.

Opana

Okay, but let me come inside erh, why are you blocking the way to your room?

Edited By:

Sam Portuphy

The Coffin Maker

THE WRITER

I am Akoto Adjei Alexander, a Christian. A product of Abetifi Presbyterian Senior High School, Abetifi-Kwahu. I am in my late 20’s and the last born of the boys my parent brought to earth. I am a fiction/scriptwriter who loves to write about nature and the realities of life. Furthermore, I do a little of Graphics Design, I do MC’ing of events somethings, a Motivational Speaker and a Relationship Talk Expert. 

Guest Writer: Alexander Akoto Adjei :: THE COFFIN MAKER :: EPISODE 11-13

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