Episode Dedicated to all Great Teachers…today is your day…Enjoy!
Eventually, Shalom stopped laughing so hard when he saw how really terrified the little people were. He approached them in the yard with a broad smile on his face and explained to them what he had done.
Patiently, he told them he would be teaching Atwiaa and Ntowhe to maintain the plant and use the fuel reserve.
He took them inside the great building and showed them how to operate the lights and the ceiling fans. They were particularly enthralled with the ceiling fans and most of them stood under them and spread their arms wide with wide grins and cackling laughter! He showed them around the big kitchen and how to use the electric ovens, and again they were blown away!
In a huge hall that had obviously been an entertainment room, they found a gramophone and some old records. Shalom wound up the gramophone and put on a vintage highlife LP record. The men brought palm wine and cups, and soon there was a full-blown evening of fun going on.
They were so happy and so excited that they could not stop bowing to Shalom and shaking his hand. Shalom found the palm wine particularly sweet and refreshing, and he drank it as often as Ntowhe gave it to him. Ntowhe called the palm wine ‘dontoyurodo.’
Calima, never far away, became rather concerned and ripped the calabash from his hand.
“That’s enough, Shalom!” she cried in an agitated voice. “You’re drunk, and this thing would upset your stomach and make you poop!”
“Poop is stinky but goooooood!” Shalom, quite drunk, said. “You’ll flatulate pooooooo or piiiiiiiiiw or gbuuuuushiaaa! And that is good! Gimme the palm wine, Calima, give it to me!”
“No, that’s enough!” she said sternly and spoke quite harshly to Ntowhe who had been pouring the palm wine for Shalom.
“Leave Ntowhe the koti alone o, Calima, Calima!” Shalom slurred and pointed an unsteady finger at her. “What at all do you want from me, Calima of the Short people?”
“You see you’re drunk, Shalom?” she asked. “Come with me now! You need to bath and sleep! You stink of fuel!”
“Oh, Calima, Calima! Lemme drink the dontoyurodo! Gimme the dontoyurodo!”
“Dontoyurodo a bo afaooooo, bo afaooooo, boa fa papaaapa!” Ntowhe screamed shrilly as he downed a calabashful of the wine and gyrated crazily on the dance floor.
Shalom laughed insanely and suddenly bent low, picked up Calima, and threw her away.
“Get away from me, Calima, and let me enjoy the dontoyurodo!” Shalom screamed as Calima sailed through the air squealing with fear. “Dontoyurodo a bo afaoooo, bo afaoooooo, bo afa papaaapa!”
Calima would have landed quite badly on the floor if Atwiaa had not dived headlong and caught her, and they both crashed to the floor. Atwiaa was winded badly as he cradled Calima, but she pushed away from him and ran furiously toward Shalom.
Most of the people were looking at Shalom with horror at how he had thrown the princess away.
The beautiful Calima stood in front of Shalom with tears in her eyes.
“What did you do that for?” she whispered in agony. “Don’t I mean anything to you, Shalom, after what happened between us? That was undignified! I thought you’re a gentleman!”
Shalom looked at her drunkenly and belched.
“Shalawele!” he whispered, and then he bent and vomited on the floor.
The people hooted and screamed, and spoke excitedly.
“You drunk sod!” Calima said with disgust. “I warned you! Come with me!”
And she took Shalom’s arm and began to lead him out of the hall.
Atwiaa got painfully to his feet and watched them leaving with a wounded look on his face.
“Dontoyurodo a bo afaoooo, bo afaooooo, bo afa papaaapa shalawele!” Shalom sang insanely at the top of his voice.
As they climbed the stairs to the upstairs room she had chosen for herself, Shalom stumbled and fell often.
“Herh, Calima, the floor is not standing still!” Shalom said with a giggle. “It is dancing azonto! When I’m putting my foot down then it is also going down, down, down!”
“Because you’re drunk, Shalom!” she said levelly and with concern. “You’ve not been drunk before, have you?”
“Herh, Calima, look at your boodankadunk!” Shalom said and slapped her across her butt. “Herh, it is wobbling like case five football! I want to bite it, Calima! I want to bite your boodankadunk!”
And he promptly held her by the waist and tried to sink his teeth into her buttt. Calima screamed and struggled and pushed him fiercely.
“Stop your nonsense, Shalom!” she screamed with panic. “Stop it this instant!”
Shalom let her go and then began to do an insane series of moves and screeches. Calima stood on the landing with her hands on her waist and glared at him with frustration.
“And what is that one too?” she asked sulkily.
“It is the dance of the Ahanta people,” Shalom said with a giggle. “It is called kundum.”
“Stop it, Shalom, please,” she said plaintively. “You’re really scaring me!”
Shalom held his knees and vomited again on the landing.
“Shalawele!” he said and belched. “Adweaaa, this dontoyurodo is something else!”
Quite frantic, she held his hand and pulled. He got to his feet and allowed her to lead him eventually to the upstairs room. She pushed a chair against the wall, stood on it, and then switched on the light and the ceiling fan.
Shalom rushed to the bathroom to vomit some more into the water closet. Calima half-filled the tub with cold water and then she helped Shalom undress and helped him into the water.
“Ahhhhh!” Shalom said. “How do you people call water?”
“Nnchu,” Calima said, and then she gasped with shock and cringed when Shalom screamed shrilly.
“Nchu a bo afaooooo, bo afaoooo, bo afa papaapa!”
Calima sighed and held on to her anger. She got to her feet and began to take off her clothes. Shalom looked at her and wagged his finger.
“Herh, Calima, don’t start, don’t start that thing again!” he said in a drunken voice. “I’m not doing that sunshine thing with you again, Calima, please!”
“I feel for it, Shalom!” she cried gutturally. “I want to see the sunshine!”
“Leave me alone!” Shalom screamed weakly. “I want Adobea, Calima! Please, please, I don’t want to lose Adobea!”
“You have me!” she cried with pained anger as she dropped her cloth-panties and climbed into the water. “What has that Adobea got that I don’t have?”
“She doesn’t stand on the chair to put on the light!” Shalom said indignantly. “You promised not to do this again!”
“I didn’t promise anything!” she said angrily as she moved toward him inside the tub. “I’m a princess, Shalom! I can make you my prince!”
“Apuu Princess!” he said and laughed. “You’re inside this bush and say you’re a princess! You shit into a hole with sticks across it!”
And she was wounded by that, and her little hand slapped him across the face sharply.
“Agyeeeeeiiii!” he said, grabbing his cheek with horror. “What you do that for?”
“Because you’re hurting me!” she said angrily. “I love you, Shalom! I want you to be my king in my kingdom!”
“Calima, I don’t want to be the king of Etwe-Ase or Hwea-Ding-Dong!” he cried indignantly.
“If you don’t like the name of the town you can change it when you’re king!” she retorted.
“Change it to what, huh?” Shalom asked. “Kote-Ano-Pow, or Etwe-Ye-Kokoo? Or what? Hwea-Bordor-Bordor? I don’t want to be king of any of those towns! Please, please, Calima! Atwiaa loves you, and wants to spend his life making you happy! He’s even concerned by the fact that I’m putting my big peeweewee into your vajayjay and it will make it big so that when he puts his peeweewee into you, you’ll not enjoy it!”
Calima was rubbing his lance under the water now, and she looked lustfully at him.
“Don’t mind Atwiaa!” she whispered as she moved on top of him. “Oh, I see the sunshine coming!”
“Stop it, stop it, Calima, please!” Shalom screamed. “We’re going to drown if we do it here!”
“No, no, no, you fool!” she whispered. “It is romantic! Let me see the sunshine, Shalom, please let me see the sunshine!”
“No, we’ll drown!” he said, getting frantic. “You can’t do that in the water! Water will even enter your vajayjay and make it all watery!”
“Shalom, stop the nonsense, it doesn’t work that way!” she screamed and tried to push him down. “Let me sit on it! Impale me, Shalom, impale me and let me see the sunshine!”
“Are you a fish to be impaled?” he cried indignantly and stood up, toppling her into the water. He stepped out of the bath and picked up a towel. Calima floundered in the bathtub and then got out immediately. She pulled the towel from his hands and then took hold of his stiff lance and pulled him toward the bedroom.
“Okay, okay, you fool!” she said petulantly. “Come and do it in the bedroom!”
“And do you have to pull me by my peeweewee like that, Calima?” he said in alarm. “Do you want to pull it off? If it comes off and all that remain are my balls, I swear I’ll wound you! Why do you want to have balls with no peeweewee?”
“Ohhhhhh, Shalom!” she shouted, turned, and kicked him in the right shin. “What at all is the matter with you? Why are you such a genius and yet behave like an outright fool in other things? You’ll drive me crazy!”
Shalom giggled, and then he lifted his lance and put it on top of her head again, and started laughing uproariously.
“I like it when I put my penis on top of your head, Calima!” he said through his giggles. “You’re carrying your man into the sunshine!”
“You fool!” she shouted and brushed his lance from her head angrily. She pulled the chair up to one of the windows and climbed on it, bending slightly and proffering her generous butt to him as she held the mesh across the window.
“Give it to me, Shalom!” she cried in a lust-filled voice. “Impale me, my king! Let me see the sweet sunshine!”
“Why are you standing on the chair like that?” he asked with alarm. “You’ll get hurt, Calima! You’ll get seriously hurt one of these days!”
“It is being adventurous for you, Shalom!” she cried. “So stop fooling and get in there!”
“Then kneel on the bed or something!” he said, his voice now resigned. “Standing on top of the chair is not good!”
“Stop your jabber and do it, Shalom, ebei!” she shouted impatiently.
So Shalom stepped behind her with a sigh and guided himself into her, and when he thrust forward hard, the force pushed her forward and the metallic mesh across the window – ancient and weak – simply gave way and with a scream of fear Calima sailed right out of the window out of sight.
“Shalawele!” Shalom screamed with fear as he rushed to the window and looked out. “One atopa has finally killed Calima!”
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