ALEXANDER AKOTO ADJEI
THE COFFIN MAKER
EPISODES 6-10
Episode 6
Opana:
Young man, have we met before?
Fred Yeboah:
Yes, we just met this morning and you took everything I had on me.
Opana:
Me? Where and how did I do such a thing to you?
Fred Yeboah:
Mmmm……. Mmmmmmm……. Mmmmmmmmmm…….
Opana:
Sir, is your nephew a stammerer because I can’t make head and tail of his Mmmm……. Mmmm, I don’t have all day at my disposal.
Elderly Man:
Kwame Fred can’t you talk now? Repeat what you came to tell me back in the house so that I know what step to take next.
Opana:
You heard your uncle Mr Man, so kindly tell everyone how and where we met as you informed your uncle.
Fred Yeboah:
Mmmmm, I met this man this morning at the uncompleted building some few metres away from this place.
Opana:
(cuts in quickly)
Are you the owner of that huge edifice?
Fred Yeboah:
No, I am not the owner of the building.
Opana:
I’m equally not a mason neither am I a foreman so what were both of us doing there young man?
Elderly Man:
Kwame Fred answer him and go straight to the point because time is not my friend here.
Fred Yeboah:
Uncle, this man took the money and everything I had on me because he said I was having an affair with his daughter.
Opana:
Did you say I accused you wrongly for having an affair with my daughter? As big as you are and as old and rigid as I am, I took everything you had on you? This sounds like music with the singer forgetting his lyrics.
Fred Yeboah:
Not really as you are saying it.
Opana:
Well let me help everyone here out, old man you see, I caught your nephew trying to force and have sex with my seventeen years old daughter when I was on my way coming to work this morning.
Elderly Man:
Whaaaat? Kwame Fred, is what this man saying true?
Fred Yeboah:
Mmmm uncle that is not really true, I wasn’t forcing to have sex with his daughter as he is saying and besides she told me she is twenty-one years of age.
Opana:
Hehehe, so now this ape is calling me a liar after he tried to rape my underage daughter in an uncompleted building. Didn’t you say you are a fashion designer and you were taking my daughter’s measurement so you sew a dress for her? You are very lucky I didn’t involve the police in this matter. If you people don’t leave this place right this moment I will make my boys deal with you mercilessly. You think you can use your big size to intimidate people huh? You are dealing with Opana the “rough boy” so if you don’t have any business transactions to transact here then I would advise you hit the road right now.
Elderly Man:
Kwame Fred have you seen the embarrassment you have heaped on my head? If you don’t find ways and means to get this money to the house by sunset, I will deal with you in a way that you will never forget in your miserable world. Eno Sakyiwa and Wofa Ani let us go back to the house and leave this fool to settle his issues with the man and I need not remind you that if you don’t return with the money in your possession then I would advise you stay outside the house.
Opana:
May you all have a nice day in your endeavours.
The Elderly Man and his family members left the workshop to their house after an unsuccessful attempt to retrieve the money meant for their wards funeral. Opana on the other hand sits in a corner of his shop and plans how to spend the money he used a dubious way to get, he takes a pen and paper to allocate the funds and expenditure that would take place soon, in no time the customers he was expecting came in and he welcomed them to transact business with them.
Opana:
Ah! at long last you are in after the long wait, welcome to my adorable shop filled with well-crafted masterpiece of coffins.
Customer 1:
Thank you very much Mr…
Opana:
You can call me Opana, yes am the only Opana in and around this town and anyone who you hear using that name is an imposter, pretending to be me.
Customer 2:
I like your great sense of humour Master Opana, please we need a very nice coffin with a nice finishing but with a moderate price.
Opana:
Ah, when you think of a coffin then Opana should be the next thing that comes to your mind, I have done uncountable numbers of coffins for my clients and even some were customised. You see the style and type of wood I use will determine the charge you will receive from me. The one I did for the headmaster in the next town was pen and I used odum, the senior pastor of the Methodist church in this town got a bible design with sapele, that armed robber got a gun design with mahogany and the notorious prostitute of this town also got the design of the thing with wawa.
Customer 2:
Hahahahahaha what do you mean by the thing? If I stay here with you for an hour I believe my ribs will lock with laughter.
Opana:
Oh really then you need to find time one of these days and pay me a visit here in my shop, I believe you will have an awesome time here. All the same let us do business because time has been far spent.
Customer 1:
Okay I think we would go in for the brown coffin at the far corner of your shop.
Opana:
(thinking fast)
Hmmmm, that one is a special made coffin which is due for collection any time soon, the owners have paid fully for it but have only delayed to come and pick it up.
Customer 2:
Oh so bad so can’t you do anything about it for us because we like the design and the finishing of it. We can give you more than what you charged the people who ordered for it you know.
Opana:
(happy in the head)
You people want to destroy my reputation oh, I have already phoned the people to come for their coffin and I won’t be surprised if the people show up any moment from now and their funeral is this weekend.
Customer 2:
But sir you can make a new one for them before the weekend right?
Opana:
See the wood I used in doing it was specifically imported from Ivory Coast and it will take weeks for it to get here before I can start to work on it. It is an expensive design which will cost you much money so why don’t you go in for another design and if I sell this coffin to you it means that I have breached the agreement I took with those people, it’s the first time am doing business with them and I don’t want to betray them. They travelled from a very long distance to come here and do business with me on high recommendation.
Customer 1:
(cuts in)
So boss if we decide to pay you three times the price they gave you will you reject our offer.
Opana:
(smiling in his head, it seems today is my lucky day and my plan is going on smoothly)
You guys are trying to destroy my reputation oh but giving me 3times the amount I took from the people is not enough to tarnish my image and there are people here who are rumour mongers who will do anything to spread bad news about me even when it’s not true.
Customer 2:
(consulting the person he came with)
What is the amount the people paid you for that coffin because that is the exact coffin I want us to take home today? Name your price!!!
Opana:
(smiles in his head, today be today)
Hmmmm it’s expensive oooo!!!!
Customer 2:
Name your price tag, please.
Opana:
The people gave me three thousand cedis (3000) for it and promised to add more money to it if I give them a great finishing.
Customer 2:
So if we decide to give you ten thousand cedis (10000) for the coffin would you take it or leave?
Opana:
Hmmmmm you guys are trying to put me in the spotlight and that is not fair ooo. I’m not that corrupt oooo, why don’t you choose another coffin here because everything you see here is a masterpiece of my handy work.
Customer 1:
Boss. are you taking the amount we quoted or not?
Opana:
Is the money here now?
Customer 2:
Actually. we didn’t budget for this huge amount but because we love your work we are willing to take the coffin.
Opana:
That is good to hear.
Customer 2:
Sir, we have half of the amount here and if you don’t mind, we will issue a cheque for you to cash at the bank.
Opana:
My brother I mind paaaaa, I stopped taking cheques about 4years ago when some innocent-looking people came to deceive me and gave me a bounced cheque, they took one of my best coffins I have ever made, so from that moment I advised myself. Please it’s either you pay cash or you go back without the coffin.
Customer 1:
Oh so bad and unfortunate for you but sir we are genuine people from a respectable background and we don’t intend to dupe or deceive you.
Opana:
Director you see a fool is considered wise after changing his walking that made him fall and once beaten, twice shy. I have decided to sell the coffin to you so you can go and withdraw the money yourself and come back with it.
Meanwhile, there is a meeting going on somewhere and the details of the meeting is deadly.
Episode 7
Customer 2:
We will be back tomorrow God willing with the full amount and please kindly keep to your promise by keeping the coffin safe for us.
Opana:
Don’t worry you will come and meet it safe and well packaged for you to take home.
Customer 1:
Thanks very much, the person who recommended you to us didn’t exaggerate about your work. We shall be back by noon tomorrow.
Opana:
Thanks for your compliment and I will be looking forward to meeting you tomorrow with the full amount. Have a nice day and tell your friends and family about my great works.
Customer 1:
We will always recommend you to people to boost your clients’ level.
(The customers took leave from the coffin shop)
Opana:
This calls for celebration ooo, herh, too much knowledge won’t ever depart from my small head ooo. This coffin actually belongs to no one and has been occupying space in my shop in here for over eleven months now, the rejected stone has today become the cornerstone. Opanyin Kwasi Asomani refused to take that same coffin even when I reduced it to him to the lowest price I have ever sold any of my coffins and later went to buy from Efo. I think I should call it a day here in the shop and go and get myself some fresh palm wine drinks from Kofi Adu’s joint, where are these foolish boys? Who is there?
Apprentice 3: :
It’s me, sir, please do you want me to do anything for you?
Opana:
Yes go and help your seniors to bring down the coffin they are carrying on their heads and come back with them over here.
Apprentice 3: :
(rushes and comes back with his seniors who are sweating badly)
Sir, please here we are.
Opana:
Hahaha see how you fools are sweating like you just escaped from jail on foot, I’m leaving the shop to see some chainsaw operators to strike some important deals with them on some woods I want them to supply to this shop. Now you take this money to my wife and tell her to prepare “Konkonte” with bush meat and “Katekonto” soup (groundnut mixed with cocoyam leaves), come back early to finish with the sandpaper work you are doing on that coffin. (Hands over 100 cedis to his apprentice)
Apprentice 3:
Okay sir but please should I board a car to your house?
Opana:
No board a train, make sure you deliver the money intact to my wife personally and return here immediately. Also, make sure you don’t engage any of my daughters in any conversation, I’m spitting on the ground and if you return and the saliva is dried up I will send you back to your parents, now get out of my sight.
Apprentice 3:
Okay, sir, I will be back in a jiffy. (runs out of the shop to deliver the money)
Opana:
Now you two I’m mandating you as seniors here in this shop to take very good care of this place, I have set spies here and if I’m given any negative complaints upon my return then you guys will have yourselves to blame because I won’t hesitate to sack you from my shop. All the same, I will find time to deal with the pregnancy issues but I’m making you a sincere promise that I won’t follow your family to any lady’s house to beg on your behalf and from today the little upkeep money I give to you, I will stop doing so and gather it for the ladies so that next time you will learn how to use that stick in between your legs wisely. Anyone who comes looking for me should be given my contact number to call me and if I am not back till you close, see to it that the shop is well locked and the keys kept safely. Do I make myself clear?
All Apprentices:
Yes sir
(Opana leaves his shop and places a call to someone then gives some directives and after that gives a devilish smile)
Meanwhile, in a bush behind the town cemetery, some young guys from the town had converged to plan on how to deal with someone.
Fred Yeboah:
Guys I called you here this morning to ask for your assistance, I want you to deal with someone on my behalf and if possible I want you to eliminate him for the gross embarrassment I received from that person.
Skido:
(in a hoarse voice due to excessive smoking and drinking) My guy who do you want us to eliminate from this world for you. You know killing is our hobby and that is what we do for a living.
Fred Yeboah:
Erm I believe you know that canning old man who sells coffins down the road.
Ras Nene:
Yeah I know him so why do you want us to eliminate him and how much will you pay us when we take his life away from him?
Fred Yeboah:
Mmmm you see that man belittled me and made me look like a fool in the presence of my family who respected me very much.
Skido:
Ah then he deserves to die an ugly death without any mercy or favour. When do you want this exercise to take place and how much would you pay us?
Fred Yeboah:
I want it done today and I will pay you handsomely after you eliminate him and come along with a white envelope you see on him. He usually uses this route on Mondays and since today is Monday he will pass here to the palm wine joint behind the market, you can ambush him before he gets to his intended destination and please make sure you do it today without anyone seeing you because if you are caught I will bluntly deny ever knowing you or having a deal with you.
Atongo:
Ah. you this guy paa ebi you wey go teach us how we go do wanna work? You know how many people we give visa go ancestral world? Make sure the money you go take give we be intact because if you try any funny move after we do this work finish I personally go chop your body small small take give you make you chop.
Fred Yeboah:
Do your job and leave the rest to me, please no long stories and make sure the job is done today and in a very professional way.
Skido:
Would you come here if we were not good with the job? Just keep to your side of the deal and everyone will be okay. Now let’s get going everyone, we have a mission to accomplish.
Fred Yeboah:
We will meet here in the next 3 or 4 hours to do sharing of the money. Good luck.
Opana smiles to himself as he reflects on the money that came his way today and the one yet to come his way. He branches into a drinking bar and orders for six tots of a locally made drink which he calls “bie gya bitters” and hits the road again, he throws some of the chewing gum he seized into his mouth and whistles to himself the song of Kwabena Kwabena’s – Adult music. About fifteen minutes of walking, he gets to a lonely house and before entering, he surveys around the place to ensure no familiar face is following him or is around. He enters the house and knocks on a door which opens immediately.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
(with a frowned face)
So, why the delay Mr Lover boy? I thought you won’t come again and was planning to drop your food in the fridge. I took my time to prepare your favourite meal, plantain and garden egg stew with Koobi and eggs, even though you have refused to give me the money I want to start a business with.
Opana:
Woman you talk too much, your man is in so first give me a warm welcome, serve my afternoon meal then possibly after you can start nagging. I am starving already and you are here talking, can’t you see how I’m sweating already.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
I’m sorry please, let me serve your meal and afterwards take a little shower but mind you, no dessert after your meal because I am on a sex strike until further notice.
(she serves Opana his food and right in front of him she undresses herself to the full glare of Opana to arouse his sexual feelings)
Opana:
(taking food to his mouth and his eyes come in contact with the naked personality in front of him, he swallows the plantain without chewing it) Kuukua thou shall not tempt the man you love. Never hinder his sexual satisfaction for that will make him look elsewhere.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
As if I care, your eyes will is Canaan but your legs will never touch that place, my dear. I am on a sex strike.
(Walks out to shower)
Opana:
(speaks to himself)
So, why are women so wicked? Does it mean if my mouth promises to give you money and it’s not ready the young man between my legs should also be deprived of his food? Poor men are really suffering, let me quickly finish my food because I have a world cup qualifying series to play.
(Kuukua walks back in looking very fresh and smiling so sweet)
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
I can see you are done, let me dress up and go and see you off.
Opana:
That won’t be a problem madam, you don’t have to stress yourself since you just took your shower. I know my way out but before I leave I want you to know that I love you and if my wife dies any moment from now it’s you I will marry but you like too much money. I don’t know what is wrong with you this Fanti lady in my life, never use sex as a bait for me because I can get it from a lot of places.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
(feeling jealous)
Then go and have it from there and leave me alone. Are they able to give it to you the way I give it to you?
Opana:
(deeps his hand into his pocket and brings money out)
You see I like you for 3 things, first you are hard-working, second beautiful and a good cook and lastly you are not just sexy but very good in bed. You asked for five hundred cedis (500 cedis) to start a new business, here I’m giving you one thousand cedis (1000 cedis) to let you know that justice delayed is not justice denied, the money I was expecting wasn’t ready and that was the reason why it delayed, I will see you later.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
(feeling a bit ashamed of herself) Baby not so fast, I have a new style reserved for you in bed but was just testing your patience if you were going to use force to demand sex from me. You know I love you and how you pamper me especially on that bed, I miss you and can’t wait for you to enter me.
Opana:
(pretends like he’s not interested)
Not today please, my libido has been cut off with what you said earlier on.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
(drops the cloth on her)
Not even when I expose my naked body to you? Can you reject these things your eyes are seeing on my body?
Opana swiftly pounces on Kuukua and they found themselves on the bed but another request comes from Kuukua
Episode 8
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
Baby please even though I am so desperate to have you inside me I’m not safe and I don’t want to get pregnant since I’m now coming to start a new business with the money you gave me shortly.
Opana:
Don’t worry my sweet potato, I came very much prepared. I seized somethings from a guy who owes me and surprisingly he had your favourite condom in his pocket so I took possession of it, knowing very well the agenda I had ahead of me.
(Opana goes for the pack of condoms and in the next 2 hours, it was a fire for fire encounter between the 2 people)
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
My real African man, lion among men!!! Eeeeiiii you this man you never grow old. See how you rode me like a mad stallion, you didn’t even give me a breathing space. Hmmmm, the engine inside you is that of a 25 years young man.
Opana:
Hmmmm, but the ladies don’t believe me when I tell them that am young inside, they see me as an old man when I make advances towards them.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
(a bit angry) Which ladies are you talking about? Does it mean that you are cheating on me with some other ladies?
Opana:
(smiles)
Relax my dear because you are also stealing from my wife. I’m very much okay with what you and my wife give me so don’t worry, no other lady will enjoy what you and my wife are enjoying. Let me be on my way now since my boys might be fooling around in the shop by now.
Kuukua Nhyiraba:
If you say so my Lord but I must confess you really rocked me this afternoon and please let it continue like this for me always. Thank you for the money also, I will make good use of it.
Opana leaves Kuukua Nhyiraba’s place to the palm wine joint and as he walks through the lonely path, he hears someone ordering him to stop or his head be blown off from the trees close by.
Opana:
(speaks within him, who the hell is ordering me to stand still)
Oh, you young men of today don’t respect elderly people erh.
Skido:
(walks out from the trees with his friends behind him)
You still have the mouth to talk even though your life is in our hands?
Atongo:
Talk am make he know say he dey play extra time for his life wey eh lef for this earth top.
Opana:
(scared but mastered courage to speak with the guys)
What do you mean by telling me that I am playing extra time on this earth young man, do you by chance know who you are standing in front of this afternoon?
Ras Nene:
My guy let me fire him and let’s get out of here before someone sees us here.
Atongo:
Yeah do am quick make we lef here, shoot am for ehn head make we go.
Opana:
(takes a fast step)
Ah, are you guys amateur in this business? You have been hired by some fools or a fool to take my life and you come to me with this old fashioned locally-made gun? Have you not been in this game for long?
Skido:
Shut up, old man and start saying your last prayer if you know how to even pray.
Opana:
See this gun is not that effective and how sure are you that even offloading all the bullets in this gun on me, I will even die?
Skido:
What do you mean by that?
Opana:
(smiles in his head as he realises that he plan is on course)
See this locally manufactured guns can’t penetrate people very well especially when the victim is a bit far from where you take the shot and in most cases the victims don’t die. Right now if I survive don’t you think I have seen your faces and it will be very easy for me to come with the police to chase after you? How much at all did the person or people who hired you to eliminate me give you? Don’t you think the person or people will deny you when the police apprehend you?
Ras Nene:
What are you trying to insinuate old man?
Opana:
See for most of us who are coffin makers we don’t go about without spiritual backing from different sources and if you like shoot at me and see if even the gun can fire any bullet out. Even when it does the bullet will only bounce back to you and hit the part that you aimed at me.
Ras Nene:
Okay, let me try and see if it will do as you say.
Opana:
(quickly cuts in)
Are you that stupid young man, will you survive it if what I said happens to be true and besides would you like to waste your bullet on yourself?
Skido:
Old man, what are you driving at?
Opana:
All I’m saying is that am giving you a chance for us to be friends or you stand a chance to dig your own grave which I will help you to fall in. Your guns for this mission is below standard and it will put you in serious trouble very soon and I’m sure whoever hired you didn’t even pay you much money looking at you faces. Ignore the mission let me go and spoil you with palm wine. I can even give you some free coffins if any of you die through this stupid work.
Atongo:
Hey make you nor try insult we, who wey talk you say we go die very soon.
Opana:
For you anytime you talk I feel like vomiting because you can’t even speak proper English and you are equally not handsome. I wonder if you even have a girlfriend and if you do, how your face looks like when you are about to ejaculate.
Skido:
Oh yawa oooo, Atongo the old man has murdered you with words oooo.
Atongo:
Massa if you talk trash for there again I go take the machete wey dey my hand chop your head.
Opana:
Oh don’t get mad at me for telling you the truth, all the same, will you people accept my friendly offer or you would like to witness what I told you about.
Red Nene:
Guys, we can’t betray the person who hired us you know.
Opana:
Well if you still want to try then who will take the shot and die after that.
Ras Nene:
Atongo take the shot so we go.
Atongo:
Like I fool papa, eno be you wey bi the best shooter for here.
Ras Nene:
Skido then do it since you are the boss.
Skido:
Have you forgotten that my girlfriend is heavily pregnant and will be delivering very soon.
Opana:
Ah so none of you want to die right now and you took the contract to eliminate me. Blackman with yellow sense, follow me so I sponsor you with some nice fresh throat quenching palm wine from my friend down there. I am “Opana the rough boy”
Skido:
(consults his friends and speaks)
So if we decide to follow you do you promise to keep our little encounter a top-class secret?
Opana:
Ah. do I look like a small boy to you? Whatever happened here remains here but you will have to do something for me later. Hope it’s a deal.
Skido:
It’s a deal, Opana.
Ras Nene:
Opana ooo Opana!!! Opana ooo Opana!!!
Opana:
(shooting his finger in the air)
I’m the one and only, anyone who has that name is a duplicate and anyone who tries to duplicate me is a fake. I am Opana “the rough boy”, let’s hit the road, my new friends.
Atongo:
Opana you do all wai, I dey feel you pass.
Opana:
Don’t worry I will buy you a facial make-up kit for you to look a bit handsome.
Atongo:
No problem la, I go wait for you make you take that thing come.
Opana:
(smiles and makes the cross sign on his face as he had escaped death narrowly)
I will spoil you guys with palm wine and bush meat pepper soup today as we get to the joint.
They all walked together to the palm wine joint and as promised, Opana ordered for countless bottles of drinks and bowls of pepper soup for his new friends and when they had drunk much and lost control of their tongue Opana then executed his master plan on the guys.
Opana:
So, Skido, Atongo and Ras Nene how are you guys feeling?
Atongo:
You do all my guy, I dey feel eye red. It’s been long since some bro take me go out to spread me this way, herh you make my day so fabulous.
Skido:
Boss, in fact, you have really surprised me with such a mind-blowing treat this afternoon, I don’t remember the last time I had enough to drink and chew like today.
Ras Nene:
Opana you be champion!!! Opana you be too much!!! Opana you be guy!!! Opana you be don!!! Opana you be baron!!! Opana you do all!!! Opana the rough boy!!! I salute you and take my cap off for you, I didn’t know you were going to organize party for us this afternoon. I only taught you were going to buy 2 or 3 bottles for us and that is all, little did I know it was going to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16…….
Opana:
(cuts in)
It’s okay my strong young men, I am a man of my word and I don’t go against my words. We haven’t even started yet my gallant men, but wait oooo who is the brain behind the mission you embarked on or should I say who sent you to eliminate me and how much did the person pay you and I hope it’s not Efo my rival in the coffin business?
Atongo:
Boss, I swear say if I nor say ebi you like I nor go bother my body say I dey come search for you even sef.
Skido:
Sir, please do you know any guy called Fred Yeboah?
Opana:
Fred Yeboah? I don’t know anyone with that name and I don’t remember anyone with that name also.
Ras Nene:
Erm what about Kwame Fred?
Opana:
(tries to reflect on the name)
Oh okay, I now remember the person with that name and I have seen the reason why he wants me dead my boys.
Episode 9
Opana: My boys is it a crime to protect your family? Hmmmm, where do I even start from, you see that boy is a home breaker. I caught him trying to rape my under-aged daughter in an uncompleted building which made me seize everything he had on him that very moment, he went home and brought his family members to come and collect his things from me without telling them the very reason why I seized his things. After I narrated everything to them(family members), they left Kwame Fred to face the embarrassment alone, that is his reason for he wanted you guys to eliminate me so he can have his revenge.
Atongo:
Herh this guy be wicked and greedy, Skido we for go tow am then discipline am seriously.
Ras Nene:
Atongo I agree with you 100% on your suggestion and we have to really punish him so that when next he hears your name or sees you coming, he will run for cover.
Skido:
Did you say we have to go and search for Kwame Fred? Hell no my guys, don’t forget he will come to the place we converge earlier on to wait for us. We will apprehend him and deal with him so badly that his family won’t even recognise him again.
Opana:
I like what am hearing my boys because “what is good for the goose is equally good for the gander”, I have a big surprise for you later when I get to see him betrayed that way.
Skido:
What could that surprise be our new friend?
Opana:
If I disclose it to you then it means it’s no longer a surprise, wait patiently for it and I believe you will love it when I show it to you finally.
Atongo:
Herh this old man you nor whats up paaa oooo, I dey feel you pass my woman self.
Opana:
I hope you are not gay by trying to feel me more than your woman?
Atongo:
Gay? I dey hate those people who be gays and lesbians that I go fit rape a lesbian for her to stop that stupid practice.
Opana:
No problem my handsome friend, I have somewhere to go but I will meet you at the place you said Kwame Fred will come and meet you by 5pm, here take this small token to order more drinks if you still want more.
(Opana leaves the gang members to an undisclosed location and returns to the hideout to meet the guys at the scheduled time)
Fred Yeboah:
Yoo guys how did it go? Hope you did a clean job and no one saw you squeezing the life out from that old fool and before I forget where is the envelope I requested you to take from him?
Atongo:
Where wanna money dey, you give us the payment for our job then we go release your envelope give you.
Skido:
Precisely my guy, we have done the difficult part of the job so give us our pay to the job so we hand over the envelope you are requesting for.
Fred Yeboah:
What are all these guys, hope you are not trying to play smart and double-cross me because I’m way smarter than you guys.
All the same here is your money.
(hands over some cedis notes to Skido and immediately felt some heavy slaps from behind)
Opana:
So you think you could hire some guys to eliminate a whole me just like that?
Fred Yeboah:
(holding his cheeks after that heavy slaps from a renowned carpenter with a sandpaper palm)
Whaaaat? So you guys played me huh, you didn’t do the work I hired you for, you took my money and made a fool out of me?
Ras Nene: Keep quiet you fool. You wanted us to eliminate our boss huh, if you know what we are about to unleash on you, you would be saying your last prayer you greedy bastard. You tried raping an innocent girl and his father catches you, deals with you and you pass behind him to hire us to eliminate him. For your information, you dug your own grave and we will help push you into it when you meet my late father in hell tell him I’m waiting for the lotto numbers he promised me before dying.
Opana:
Guys I have an old coffin that I am willing to give out, so you put him in as you push him into the grave he dug for himself.
Fred Yeboah:
(crying like a little boy who had been bitten)
What will you guys achieve if you take my life away from me? See I have been diagnosed of a deadly disease and I’m going to die anytime soon so why don’t you let me die naturally rather than making my blood be on your heads.
Opana:
So you had a deadly disease and you wanted to infect my little girl with it before dying, black man with green sense. See if you jump from a tree to the ground you are down and if you take your time to descend also you are down, whether you break your leg or not you are down so if you die naturally or my boys eliminate you, you will still die but I will make it easier, faster and quicker for you by allowing my boys to send you to hell very fast.
Fred Yeboah:
(sensing great danger and crying more)
I am begging you please, I’m not sick as I said earlier on, I beg you to temper justice with mercy, I was been childish and greedy. If you spare my life I promise to turn a good chapter in my life. I will be a good boy and stay far away from your path, I swear by the tomb of my late father to be of good conduct.
Atongo:
Shut your mouth you fool, you think say we be kiddies for here, Opana I beg where make I shoot this guy, make I shoot his chest, head, stomach or through ehn balls?
(pulls his locally gun out and points the gun at Fred Yeboah and surprisingly he urinated on himself which got everyone present laughing)
Atongo:
So, you nor get liver wey you want kill another man.
Opana:
Guys, deal with him as his fate is in your hands now, I will see you later.
Ras Nene:
Boss please what about the surprise you said you have for us?
Opana:
Oh guys, you know what I do for a living, I am a coffin maker so I have a coffin each for all of you that should in case any of you dies, I will personally present to your family as a token from my heart.
Skido:
Aaaahhhh? This is an insult to us, Opana and you know that. Please take your stupid gift and leave here before I descend on you mercilessly. Now you guys deal with this idiot kneeling in front of me right now but don’t kill him.
Opana leaves the place laughing out loud, you fools what were you thinking in the first place after I had bought drinks and meat enough for a family party. You want me to give you everything I have on me, I will find ways and means to retrieve the money I spent on you this afternoon even. He gets home to find his eldest son fighting with his little sister over meat.
Opana:
You are here fighting with your younger ones over meat whiles your age mates are out there making it big time when I was your age I was married to your mother and taking manly responsibilities as a responsible man. Your mother has pampered you and it’s turning you into a woman, I sometimes wonder if you are truly my son?
Akua Yankey:
Please oooo, don’t start with your tantrums this evening, your son after completing the university and finding it difficult to get a job offered to work with you in your shop to help take records of things that comes in and goes out of your shop after you complained of petty stealing over there but you bluntly refused to accept his offer and have never said anything positive about him.
Michael Ansah:
Enough of your insults father, is it my fault that I am jobless?
Opana:
No it’s my fault that you are jobless, why won’t it be your fault for been jobless, tell me? I sent you to school to go and read political science so you can turn into a politician in the future but you planned with your mother and changed your course to photography or something something. How much money do photographers get and what achievements are they able to bring into their lives.
Michael Ansah:
Papa that is the job I want to do, it’s my passion to be a photographer and no one will stand in my way from achieving my goal. Moreover, you have written “Opana and Sons Coffin Mall” on your signpost at your shop, you have to explain to us since I am your only son and I hope you don’t have any male children elsewhere because I am not ready to share my inheritance with any male child.
Opana:
You are very stupid, may thunder fire you there. I sometimes wonder if you were conceived for the natural nine months for gestation and let me sound this caution to you that you can never inherit any of my properties so far as my nephews are still alive. We are Akans we enjoy the privileges of inheriting your uncle’s assets when he dies.
Akua Yankey:
(cuts in rudely)
God forbid!!! My son will never have any evil encounter with any thunder and he will inherit every single thing you own on this earth.
Opana:
See her also? You have the impunity to involve yourself in this annoying argument your useless son is having with me, continue pampering him for him to fool around when I was his age I was already catering for my family by then.
Akua Yankey:
Were you not enjoying privileges from your uncle? What have you done to better the life of your son?
Opana:
My God!!! Is it the nature of women to always be ungrateful? Were you like this when I came to marry you? When you dish out your food and someone comes to meet you, the person might think you are serving four people at that moment but you are the same person who will consume everything. I haven’t gotten any help or assistance from you as a wife ever since I brought you to my house.
Akua Yankey:
When I pleaded with you for you to walk me down the aisle to bless our staying together after 30years what was your response?
Opana:
So that is why you have planned with those things you call children to destroy and milk me dry huh? I have given you money on countless times to run a commercial business but because your mouth is so opened and wild the money never lasts then you run into bankruptcy, you are the only person who I know sold porridge and water but you ended up owing your suppliers.
Michael Ansah: I won’t watch you………
Episode 10
Opana:
Oh shut that gutter you call a mouth, I have seen all that you are plotting against me but I swear by the nipple that first breastfed me that it won’t work. My friend serves me with my evening meal for me to quickly consume because I have an important and emergency meeting with my tenants and if you people like poison it, I will eat and drink DDT on top as a soft drink.
Akua Yankey:
I don’t have your time this evening but I know where to get you.
Opana:
Don’t even try to impede me with your body or sex because if you try I equally know what to do to sort myself out.
Akua Yankey:
I swear if you try any funny move with my thing erh, I will curse you.
Opana:
Apuuuuu!!! Who eats palm nut soup and doesn’t get tired, hurry up with my food before I decide not to eat your food this evening and you know what that implies. Where is that thing called Bernice?
Akua Yankey:
She is in her room, any problem?
Opana:
After my meal and meeting with my tenants, I will brief you or better still she can open up to you since you are her alibi who has been covering up for her always.
Akua Yankey:
What do you mean by that?
Opana:
My friend get me my supper now and stop asking me unnecessary questions. What is all these wahala that I am facing in my own house, I need to marry a new wife who will calm down my nerves from all this stress I get from you people.
Akua Yankey:
(gives a very loud hiss)
Mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!! Over my dead body (walks out to get her husband’s food).
Michael Ansah:
Papa so why are you doing this to us?
Opana:
Young man, don’t annoy me this evening because I lost trust in you the moment you and your mother betrayed and stabbed me in the back, did I ever make you lack anything when you went to school? Didn’t I perform my fatherly duties to satisfaction? Because of you guys I worked myself day and night just to make your lives very comfortable, what wrong did I do?
Akua Yankey:
(walks in to serve her husband and keeps murmuring)
Nothing my kids and I do in this house please you. You see fault with everything that we do.
Opana:
Woman, will you shut up for me to enjoy my supper in peace? Do you expect me to applaud you when nothing you and your children do looks pleasing to my sight? I paid thousands of cedis for that idiot to read a course in the university and you passed behind me to change his course without informing me the sponsor, do you know how painful that is? Why don’t you assist him to get a job after school, all he does now is to eat my food and fight with his younger ones?
Akua Yankey:
I don’t like the way you treat him in this house, he is your eldest child and his sisters must accord him with that respect. Because you treat him like an outcast his younger ones also treat him same, they speak to him anyhow and you are proud of them.
Opana:
Today, you have mouth to exchange words with me woman, have you seen how bulky you people look now, I work my ass out day and night but yet still you don’t appreciate what I do for you people. Now for your information I am giving your son 3 weeks to pack out of my house and go and seek for a better life outside this compound, after all he owns a degree in photography or whatever course he read in the university.
Akua Yankey:
So, in other words, you are driving him away from this house?
Opana:
Exactly my wife, at his age I was a responsible father and I was out there without a degree fending for you and him. I have spoken and that is final. Now come and clear this food from my face. (walks out to meet his tenants)
At the meeting on the compound:
Tenants:
You are welcome Mr. Landlord.
Opana:
Thank you to those who honoured my invitation even at a short notice, my day has been ruined so I won’t beat about the bush. I will go straight to the point.
Collins Twumasi:
(whispering to himself)
I hope this man won’t make me the centre for discussion this evening?
Eno Bruwa:
(scared to the marrow and also wondering if Opana has any bad news for her) God please don’t let this man wash my dirty clothes outside here because I have a lot of enemies on this compound.
Opana:
Well, as you are all aware that Christmas is fast approaching and most of you tenants, your rent has expired. I wouldn’t like to mention names here because I know all of you are aware of your monetary standings, also I want to do maintenance on some of the rooms on this compound and also paint the entire house so I have decided to increase the rent to 50% of what you are already paying.
Mr Baffour:
But landlord you just can’t increase the rent just like that, at least we should be given prior notice.
Opana:
Isn’t this a notice? Do I have to sort for your approval before I take the decision in my own house? Please anyone who can’t afford to go by my orders can pack out of my house now and for those whose rent has expired you have by the end of the week to settle your bills with the new rent charges or else I will eject you like a snail from its shell.
Ifeoluwa:
Oga landlord, you for no do that nko, shabi you for take am easy give us, the economy be bad and slow abeg reconsider your decision jhoor. Biko my super fabulous landlord.
Opana:
(in a feminine voice)
My dear this is Ghana and we don’t joke with our money issues so just stick to my decision or pack out, do you know what I passed through when I spent some years in Nigeria, your countrymen made me decide never to travel to any other country again so take my little advice and abide by my new rules and regulations.
Ama Amissah:
Landlord, this is too much, as you can see no one amongst us is in support of your decision so if you can reconsider it and make amendment like everyone will be so happy and we will sing praises unto your name. My husband said things are tough back in the States hence he hardly sends money back home nowadays.
Opana:
Well, that is so bad for you but as I have already informed you, I have made my decision and nothing anyone of you say here will reverse my decision. If you can’t cope with my decision you can pack out of my compound because I have a lot of people on standby waiting to move in the moment I signal the person of the vacancy in my house.
Agnes Kyerewaa:
Mr Landlord please I’m on my knees, I don’t usually do this but today I’m on my knees begging you to please do something about your intended decision to increase our rents, even with the current rent most of us are finding it difficult to pay. Please be a Christian and reconsider your decision.
Collins Twumasi:
Opana our champion landlord, the locomotive man, the landlord extraordinaire, the only young man amongst his age mates, man of compassion and with great swag, the………
Opana:
(cuts in without allowing his tenants to talk)
Hold it there Collins, I know where you are driving towards to. Today nothing anyone will say here will change my mind, I repeat those of you owing me should come and amicably settle me before I strike because the plan I have is diabolic.
BACK IN OPANA’s ROOM:
Michael Ansah:
Mum, I heard everything he said, are you sure he is my real father?
Akua Yankey:
Shut up my son, what stupid question is that? He should be even angrier with you for what you did, I warned you when you decided to change the course he knew you were reading. He made arrangements for you at the MP’s office when you got to your final year only for him to get to know that you have diverted your course. I blame you for all these things happening here in this house.
Michael Ansah:
Mum so can’t I follow my passion and dreams any longer?
Akua Yankey:
What positive results have your dreams and passion brought to you and this family. Get up and do something if you want to be accorded with much respect in this family.
Michael Ansah:
Mum, I have my plans and I will leave this house to the city even before the time span I was given by your husband elapse. I promise to make you proud very soon. I am not that useless as you and your husband see me.
Bernice Ansah:
(walks in)
Mum, why this noise all over the place?
Akua Yankey:
Did you say noise? Wait till your father returns and you will get to know since he asked of you in an angry tone.
Bernice Ansah:
(changes face with her hands on her head)
Mummy, please save me from the wrath of papa, I am scared of what he might do to me.
Akua Yankey:
And what are you talking about? Save you from the wrath of your father, how?
Bernice Ansah:
Mmmmm…….. Mmmmmmmmm………
Michael Ansah:
Hey talk and let mummy see what she can do to save you from papa or have you gone to do your thing again?
Bernice Ansah:
Please oooo, I haven’t stepped a foot on your land. Please stay away from my matter because I don’t want your trouble this evening.
Michael Ansah:
Mummy, you see how she is speaking to me rudely, I will slap the madness out of her very soon. I don’t blame her, it’s papa who has caused all these things.
Bernice Ansah:
Leave me alone ooo, I said don’t interfere in my issues.
Akua Yankey:
Adjoa Bernice shut up before I hit you with the bowl in my hand. Foolish girl, the next time I hear you talking to your elder brother like that again erh, I will let him beat you till you collapse. Now apologise to him right now before I slap your stupid face.
BACK AT THE MEETING ON THE COMPOUND:
Opana:
For you Agnes you are preaching Christianity here right, every night I pass behind your window and the kind of sound that comes from the room I believe the walls of my room always get an orgasm from the hymns you sing through moaning. The only person I haven’t seen coming out from your room is a Chinese albino, those men don’t they give you enough money?
Agnes Kyerewaa:
Please oooo Mr Landlord drop me here wai, the fact that I pleaded with you to reconsider the high rent charges doesn’t warrant you to insult my means of survival, ashawo too be business because after all I pay every bill I am supposed to pay in this house on time and moreover, I have 18 months more before my rent expires, what have I got to worry about is your 50% increment because by then my house would have been completed and please tell your son to stop bothering me because he’s not my class, I don’t do boys who still live with their parents. Mtcheeeeeeeeeeeeew, I am out of here.
(walks out on them)
Collins Twumasi:
Hahahahaha yawa paa ooooo.
Opana:
Oh shut up you womanizer, you have mouth to talk even though you owe over 2 months’ rent plus utility bills and let warn you, the next time I see you around my underage daughter I will rent a room for you at the police station.
Hajia Kubra:
(in a very calm tone)
My honourable landlord please take it easy, we are not fighting over here, this is a simple dialogue where everyone is expressing his or her views so please calm down.
Eno Bruwaa:
God bless you, my sister for your kind words, you have spoken my mind.
Opana:
It seems you people planned before my coming but I must say I won’t listen to anyone on this, I request “Daddy Lumba’s – Yen tie obiaa” for everyone in this house. The utility bills has been pasted on the notice board for days now, those who haven’t paid yet have up to the end of the week to pay or else I will cut the person off from supply. Also, from tomorrow, I will be locking the main gate at exactly 9:30 pm because thieves have started operating since Christmas is around the corner, convey the news to those who failed to show up for my meeting and tell them that I will deal with them for failing to attend this very important meeting. I have spoken and so shall it be, good night to all of you
Eno Bruwa:
The king that refuses advice from his elders slides his garments in faeces when attending a social gathering.
Edited by:
Norvisi Gbologah
The Coffin Maker
THE WRITER
I am Akoto Adjei Alexander, a Christian. A product of Abetifi Presbyterian Senior High School, Abetifi-Kwahu. I am in my late 20’s and the last born of the boys my parent brought to earth. I am a fiction/scriptwriter who loves to write about nature and the realities of life. Furthermore, I do a little of Graphics Design, I do MC’ing of events somethings, a Motivational Speaker and a Relationship Talk Expert.
Can you guess which people are doing the meeting and the issue that is been discussed.
To be continued…………………………………………………………………………………………………………#Yeb3toaso
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