The Coffin Maker
ALEXANDER AKOTO ADJEI
THE COFFIN MAKER
EPISODE 1-5
Episode 1
Opana
Madam this is not what you told me when you wanted to rent my room in the first place. Now you want to turn my house into an orphanage by adding some extra people to the four children you first came to the house with.
Eno Bruwa
Opana my landlord, I know but I can’t throw my intestines away and replace it with leaves. Once I have rented this room, I believe I have the authority to accommodate my children. I didn’t come with them initially because they were living on their own but now, they don’t have anywhere to stay ooooo.
Opana
Oh please spare me that madam. If you go to a hotel, it’s only two people who are allowed to share a room and even with that, not persons from the same gender or sex. I gave you my tenancy agreement and regulations papers when you were about to move in. The fact that I didn’t add what you are doing now to the laws doesn’t mean that you can overcrowd yourself in my room. Don’t you know that overcrowding yourself in one small room breeds communicable diseases? You can’t convey all your hometown folks to my expensive house. For your information, the rent you paid expired two months, three weeks ago and I was assuming you will come and see me to settle your bills. If I don’t hear from you by the end of the week…
Eno Bruwa
But landlord it hasn’t gotten to this. Please, you are not thinking of evicting me in the first place, are you?
Opana
See how wretched and pathetic you look. Let me tell you this, I am giving you a grace period of seven days to park out of the room and it starts this very moment. If the time elapses and you are still here, I will pull you out of the room like how a snail is pulled out of its shell.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
(screams from the room to find out who was making noise in front of their room before she comes out)
Mama, who is making so much noise over there? Doesn’t the person know it’s too early and that most of us haven’t woken up fully from our beds?
(she sees it’s the landlord)
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
Oh it’s you Mr. Landlord. I hope all is well and you had a good sleep last night.
Opana
Hmmmmm, God please grant me maximum patience to endure certain things in this house of mine. You have a mouth to talk. Your mates are living in their husband’s house, making babies and raising their families. You are here running your mouth like a commentator at the stadium.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
Please Mr landlord, don’t go there at all. God is the giver of marriages and I won’t force myself into a marriage I will regret later. Moreover, your daughters are equally my age mates but none of them has even stepped foot into a man’s house as his wife. At least I have my classmates at your house too.
Opana
Oh shut up before I shut that gutter you call a mouth! How would you get a husband if you run your mouth like that? You see those daughters, I’m grooming them for rich men and white men. I won’t settle for any man who doesn’t own a fleet of cars, mansions and businesses across the globe. Never try to rock shoulders with my beautiful daughters. Even the son of the MP of this constituency proposed to my young daughter but she refused because she wasn’t ready to settle down with the son of a mere MP when the President and his ministers have unmarried sons. If you care to know, those girls are my investment so when you see them, give and accord them with that respect because they can’t and will never be your mates in anything.
Eno Bruwa
Opana my landlord, please it is okay. It’s too early in the morning for you to be arguing with your daughter. Please forgive her. You know these young girls. Youthful exuberance is running through her blood veins.
Opana
Did you say, my daughter? Can she be my daughter? No. Is she that beautiful to be called my daughter? No. Will I exchange her for money? Yes. Will I disown her if she was my daughter? Yes. Can’t you see how pretty my daughters are? They don’t lack anything physically that a woman needs on her body. If they were not my biological daughters, I would have even married one of them.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
You think your daughters are so beautiful and deserve higher families to marry into eh? Go and find out for yourself how the young men of the town are playing around in their restricted area. Mama, please talk to this man; I don’t want to say anything that will make him refer to me as a disrespectful person. Even the snake has its lover and even though the monkey isn’t fine, it is loved by its mother. This is the face God saw as appropriate for me so He gave it to me. Look at you! Even with that scary face of yours, you still go around insulting people and calling them ugly.
Opana
Wait oh! Are you referring to me as the one with the scary face? And did you just talk about my beautiful daughters? I don’t blame you. Ugliness has now turned you into a gossipmonger. Don’t you know a man must be ugly and fearful and in most cases smell of alcohol? Why do you think I went in for a very beautiful wife? You don’t respect and that is the reason why I will eject you and your mother when it is raining.
Eno Bruwa
Please sir, it hasn’t gotten to this. I beg you. Please tamper justice with mercy. I am a poor widow who is trying to make ends meet and I have been a good tenant ever since I moved in here. Please have mercy on me.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
Mama! Why are you begging him? Does he know the houses you and my late father built in the city and village? Had it not been for the greediness of his brothers and sisters, would we have moved to live in this pigsty? A room that you have to stay awake when it’s raining, do we call that one too a room? If he wants to eject us, he should refund our rent to us and give us some time to pack out from his bad luck room. Ah! Are you the only landlord in this world?
Eno Bruwa
Sylvia, shut up! I say shut up! You talk too much. It’s because of this your loud mouth that you couldn’t stay with my friend in the city. If you care to know, our rent has expired.
Opana
Be there and run your mouth like a fetish priest wife. I know what to do. I’m leaving and when I’m back, we will see who is who. Asualapa. (takes leave)
Eno Bruwa
Hmmmmm! Living in this house is hell. If I had my way, I would have moved out of this house and found a better place to live with my family. It’s true that those who didn’t suffer to get are the ones who bluff to those who don’t have.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
What do you mean by saying that those who don’t suffer to get are the ones who bluff to those who don’t have?
Eno Bruwa
My daughter I heard this house belonged to Opana’s late uncle and you know that the Akans practice the matrilineal system of inheritance. So when his uncle died, he took possession of this house leaving his uncles’ children with nothing to depend upon.
Eno Bruwa’s Daughter
Mama if I knew this, I would have told him my peace of mind. Hasn’t he gotten any compassion for his fellow man? I doubt what he told his kind hearted and beautiful wife for her to accept his marriage proposal. Some women are really suffering in life. As for me, if this is the only type of man on earth, I will stay single all my life.
Episode 2
Opana
So what kind of tenants do I have in my house? So annoying, full of themselves and always challenging me of the things I bring before them. If not for the fact that I was so broke, I would have ejected everyone and brought new tenants to this house. But my late uncle did a good job oooo. See how I’m enjoying the fruits of his labour. As for me, I won’t leave anything for any nephew of mine to come and inherit or enjoy. I will live an irresponsible life till my death and if I die they can decide whether or not to give me a befitting burial. After all, the dead person doesn’t know he/she is naked. Mmmm, where from that sweet aroma? I believe this is coming from that Hausa woman at the corner. Meanwhile, she hasn’t paid her utility bills for this month. I need to pay her a visit and check out on what she is doing.
(chases after the aroma and finally gets to the place)
Opana
Hmmmm I’m greeting you Hajia Kubra. I’m here for my monthly utility bill. You know the month is almost over and I need to go and pay the bills before the government workers come and disconnect our light and pipe.
Hajia Kubra
My Honourable Landlord, I will pay the bill. I am expecting money from my business partner who is in Saudi Arabia. Please give me a little time and I will pay you everything. You know I haven’t ever delayed in paying my bills in this house before.
Opana
That one is true. You are one of my best tenants in this house and I wish all the other tenants will emulate you so that this house will be very conducive and peaceful always. Some are so disrespectful and very annoying that I want to eject them as soon as possible. All the same, I’m smelling some sweet super-fabulous aroma coming from your corner. What could that be?
Hajia Kubra
Oh that is the stew I’m preparing for the week. You know when I go to town, I don’t return early and coming to cook is difficult and tiring. Why don’t you take a seat so I serve you with some of the food I have cooked?
Opana
Ah! You do know the way to a man’s heart. My stomach is all yours Hajia, please do whatever you wish with it.
Hajia Kubra
Okay sir. Give me just a minute and I will dish out some of the food for you.
(Gets a plate and serves Opana)
Hajia Kubra Please as you enjoy your food, let me rush and take a quick shower. I know that by the time I am done, you would be through with your food so I clear the table.
(Goes inside and comes out wearing a long dress while Opana sets his eyes on her when walking to the bathroom with her buttocks shaking in her dress)
Opana
(talking to himself)
Herh, see the backside. I have been monitoring this woman for a long time. I’m waiting for the day that I will grab her. Hah! Only God knows what will happen to her. Hmmmm! If I get this body on my bed erh, I will crucify her like Jesus was placed on the cross and take my time to enjoy her from top to down. With this one, I will mix ginger with bitter leaves and drink before I face her. Such a beautiful and hard-working woman like this without a man to warm her bed for the past 10years. Hmmmm, that place will be tight like a Kwahu man’s pocket and smooth as a new baby’s buttocks. I don’t know why she also doesn’t want to give me her mind. I have tried all my vibes on her and yet she seems not to be responding to it. Herh! I wish I was in my youthful days. I would have asked my mallam to prepare a charm for me to use on her. The day I get her in bed, I will scatter everything in between her legs. Does she see me as an old man or what? If it’s about performance, she should go and ask my wife Akua Yankey what I do to her at night. I am the only man who has used 8inches nails to clump my bed in this house. If not, my bed would be a whistling bed and if it had a mouth to talk, it will surely complain of the vigorous work I have been doing on it. If she is in doubt of my performance, she can go and ask for confirmation from Kukua Nhyiraba who leaves down the street or Mercy the pure water seller with those heavy machineries behind her back. Me too I am really a bad old man ooooo! What the young boys want is what I also want. Well “better soup na money kill am” and so far as I’m alive, I will match the young girls bumper to bumper and deal with them personally.
Hajia Kubra
(walks back from the bathroom)
Ah Alhaji Opana, are you not done with the food?
Opana
Eeeeiiiii Hajia, did you just address me as Alhaji? Hmmmm, if this is your food, then I wonder how the natural food will taste like ooo?
Hajia Kubra
Ah, please don’t let your wife hear this from your mouth or else she won’t like it. You know I have a healthy relationship with her and I don’t want to destroy it. You know Christianity doesn’t allow a man to marry more than a wife.
Opana
Hajia paaa. See I am not legally married to her ooo and mind you, I’m not much of a Christian as you think. If you want, I can even convert into a Muslim so that I marry you immediately. I have been watching you closely. Ever since your husband died 10years ago, I haven’t seen any man coming here to keep you company and make you feel like the real woman that you are. You can’t only urinate and menstruate through it just like that.
Hajia Kubra
It’s okay, please. The last time you raised this issue, I told you I’m not interested so please let’s keep it like that.
Opana
Don’t mind my body and grey hair ooo. I have a V8 engine in my system together with a twin-turbo engine in me. If you give me a chance to visit your golden palace, you wouldn’t even release me to go back home. If you like, come and eavesdrop behind my window this evening and you will hear the tongues my wife speaks when I jump on top of her. I am a 25-year-old man within ooo. Please consider my offer and you know what? Don’t pay for the utility bills again. If you agree to my offer, you won’t pay for anything in this house again and I won’t let you lack anything in this world. I am Kofi Ansah a.k.a. Opana the rough boy, the only professional coffin maker in and around the whole town. Without me, no dead body will be given a befitting burial. It will be a great honour for both of us, my dear. Just think about it and give me a positive response. I will take my leave now because I have some clients coming over to meet me at my shop. You will never regret giving me a chance in your life. Have a great day my one and only Hajia on this compound.
Hajia Kubra
I will think about it and thanks for not allowing me to pay this month’s utility bills.
Opana
(taking leave from Hajia’s place)
So this woman accepted not to pay her utility bills but is taking long in accepting my proposal erh? Hmmmm, the way she is always wearing long dresses. I always fantasize about her fresh and smooth body. See her soft fat buttocks. I believe her thighs will be as smooth as a fresh baby’s buttocks. As for her body, if I’m asked to dismantle it and go to hell, I will gladly do that and go and meet Satan in hell, but I doubt if he will be friendly to me. Herh kids! What are you doing at the tap? Move away from there before I crush your buckets on your heads. When you get home, tell your father to come and see me in the evening. Hurry up and leave for school. Do I have to go back to my room again? No, I haven’t left housekeeping money and I don’t feel like giving them some today. Let me rush to my shop before Akua Yankey spots me and starts screaming her head off.
Collins Twumasi
Landlord good morning.
Opana
What is good about this morning my friend? Your rent expired 2 months ago and you have decided not to come and settle your bills. For your information, I have decided to increase your rent with a 50% increment and am taking 2 years rent advance.
Collins Twumasi
Oh but landlord you can’t increase the rent just like that without any prior notice to me. The 50% increment is also too much. Please reduce it a bit for me erh. You know now the economy is very tight and hard.
Opana
My friend, was I asking for your opinion in what I said? This place is not the parliament house where members of the house are given the opportunity to debate on matters which are brought up. Secondly, this place isn’t Kejetia or Makola market where we bargain on prices of commodities. Do you see my goats over there? They sent me a message through their spokesperson that they want to occupy your room so they can produce more for me. They also said that human beings have been copying the styles of animals and they want to come out with a new style which they don’t want any man to see.
Collins Twumasi
Ah landlord! So you mean you want to eject me and use my room as a pen for those animals?
Opana
I believe I didn’t speak Swahili to your hearing and for your information, those animals are very important to more than any tenant in this house. They are part of the properties I have on earth. You see that black billy goat who is trying to mate that nanny over there? He has been impregnating all my nannies every single week and I need to give him a VIP treatment by giving your room to him. See you have stayed in the room for 2 months without paying anything. I am giving you one-month grace period so that you search for a new room somewhere but if you want to stay in this house, then you will pay those months with my new rent charges. The ball is in your court. Since you are not doing anything right now, I want you to go round and inform all the other tenants that I have a general meeting with all of them at exactly 7 pm and anyone who fails to attend will face a huge penalty. Now you can take your leave from me Mr Twumasi.
Collins Twumasi
Okay sir I will convey your message to the others but please be considerate about the rent increment.
I left the house to the shop and some few meters to my shop I heard some unusual noise coming from an uncompleted building which is close the roadside. As curious as only I could be, I decided to take a look at what was happening in there. I nearly got a heart attack when I saw what was happening there.
Episode 3
I saw my third daughter with a guy in the uncompleted room making love. I screamed at them and when my daughter saw me, she started trembling like she has seen the ghost of Okomfo Anokye.
Opana
Bernice, what are you doing here at this time of the day and who is this baboon you are hiding in here with?
Bernice
Erm, ermmm, ermmmmm…….
Opana
(shouting at Bernice)
Since when, my daughter, did you start stammering? You better talk now before I slap you for your teeth to come out from your mouth.
Guy
(sensing danger now, brings out a tape measure from his pocket)
Oh, Sir, I’m a fashion designer and I’m taking your daughter’s measurement so I can sew a very nice dress for her.
Opana
(pulls his measuring tape out also and starts to measure the guy)
That’s very thoughtful of you. Do you know that I’m also a carpenter? I specialised in coffin making so I’m taking your measurement so that I make a very nice coffin free of charge for your family.
Guy
(almost crying)
But sir, I’m not yet dead and neither am I dying any time soon.
Opana
Oh don’t worry young man. I will do you the honour of taking your life and when you meet Lucifer on your way to hell leading the hell choir, tell him to leave a space for me in the choir because I learnt it feels good singing in hellfire.
Bernice
Oh daddy. He was only measuring me for a dress he wants to sew for me as he told you earlier on.
Opana
Shut that door you call a mouth before I clamp it down with a 6inch nail, you foolish spoilt brat! How did you get the chance to sneak out from the house erh? What time was it? And as for you young man, if you have heard very well of Opana “the rough boy”, you would be saying your last prayer to God. Now come closer and bring out whatever you have in your pocket. Drop it in front of me, Mr Fashion Designer. I never knew that fashion designers take measurements of your clients in uncompleted buildings and when doing so the clients end up moaning. What is your name and where do you come from?
Guy
My name…name is Fred Yeboah. I’m the first child of Opanyin Kwadwo Yeboah and I’m from this town.
Opana
Do you mean Opanyin Kwadwo Yeboah, that womanizer who tried to have sex with that widow in the bush and was chased by some boys? And was later attacked by a swarm of bees when he went to hide in the public toilet?
Fred Yeboah
Mmmm sir please it’s not true that my father tried having sex with that woman. It was……
Opana
Shut up, you womanizer. Now I see this bush and uncompleted building romance runs in your genes. That is the area of your specialization. Today, your works have come to a very successful end because I will kill and bury you right here, right now. Look at the things you have in your pocket; a pack of condom, chewing gum, sticks of cigarette, mobile phone, wallet and a white envelope.
Fred Yeboah
Sir please what you are seeing has a different interpretation because I don’t smoke either am I a condom fan. The chewing gum I will be sharing it for the children in my house and……..
Opana
(starts to collect the things in front of him and places it in his pocket)
Don’t worry my boy. I love smoking very much and with the condom, I have a very crucial match to play with my wife and she said she is not safe so she requested for this very particular condom. As for the chewing gum, I will chew it when I’m done smoking so that no one will smell the tobacco flavour from my mouth. As for your wallet which looks very original with the python leather that it was made of, I have seized it. What is in this white envelope?
Fred Yeboah
Please Sir you don’t want to know the content in the envelope. Please let me have it and God will richly bless you.
Opana
Herh are you that daft? So what did you tell my daughter that she had the effrontery to sneak out and meet you? I just asked you what was in the envelope and you are telling me that I don’t want to know. Well, the envelope is in my hand so why do I even ask you what is in it.
Bernice
Oh Papa! Please listen to what he is saying.
Opana
May thunder fire you, you cheap harlot! You couldn’t get the decency for him to even take you to his house or the guest house behind the cemetery. I wonder if my blood runs through your bloodstream at all. Ashawo kobo kobo. (tries to open the envelope)
Fred Yeboah
Sir please don’t open it, please!!!
Opana
(eyes opens wide seeing what is in the envelope)
Herh Bernice! Go home right now before I pounce on you like a lion who hasn’t gotten any prey to feast on for days.
(Bernice runs from the uncompleted building before her father strikes/hits her)
Opana
Hahahahaha olalaaaaa!!! So you have this kind of money on you and you brought my daughter to this dilapidated place to fuck her huh? You know what? I have seized it and even if God comes here to plead for you, I won’t accept his plea. How much does it cost to book a room in a guest house? Because you don’t respect or regard my daughter as somebody, you bring her here for your one corner action. I never knew my Presbyterian God loved me like this. If I wasn’t led here by the spirit of those I have sold good coffins to, I would have missed this good thing. All the same, I’m taking this money as compensation for anything you have been doing to my daughter since you got her.
Fred Yeboah
Sir I swear with my life; I haven’t touched her before. This is the first time she agreed to meet me and she even opted for us to meet here. I haven’t even seen her beads and pant yet.
Opana
You see your life? I taught you said you were taking her measurement for a dress you want to sew for her. I always tell my daughters that a liar has no memory. You see how you are contradicting yourself now. If you don’t leave my face right this moment, I will report you to the chief of this town that I caught you trying to rape my daughter who is not 18 years old yet. You and your father have the same character and no wonder they say like father like son. Indeed, the crab doesn’t give birth to a bird. Your father did his in the bush and you wanted to do yours in an uncompleted building.
Fred Yeboah
But sir she said she is 21 years of age and that she is a big girl.
Opana
(cuts in sharply)
Are you challenging me with my daughter’s age?
Fred Yeboah
Please I’m not challenging you on what you said but I’m rather telling you what your daughter told me earlier on and please the money is not mine. I have been sent to deliver it to my family head so please sir tamper justice with mercy.
Opana
So the money that you were sent with was what you used as a bait to lure my stupid daughter here so that you disvirgin her right?
Fred Yeboah
Sir your daughter is not a virgin oh. She has spoilt there already with about 17 guys and I’m the 18th guy.
Opana
(opens mouth widely and starts screaming)
Whaaaaat? Are you mad? If you don’t leave here right now, I will kill you and nothing will happen after that, foolish boy.
(Fred Yeboah takes to heels and runs for his dear life)
Opana
(peeps if the guy has truly left and brings the money out from envelope) Where did I sleep today Kofi Ansah? 50cedis note bundle right in my hands. I will spoil myself today with this money in my hand. Does it mean that what Eno Bruwa’s disrespectful daughter said to me earlier on is true? I will deal with these girls this evening.
Episode 4
Opana
(Talking to himself on his way to his shop)
This Hajia of a woman! I believe she will be full of luck ooooooo. Just look at the miracle that happened after eating her food. If she releases her entire body for me, I believe I will be appointed as the President of Ghana Coffin Makers Association(GCMA). I will call Kukua Nhyiraba this afternoon to meet me at our hideout. That girl is a sex machine paaa ooo but she loves money too much. I must divide this money into 5 parts and I must make sure she doesn’t get to know how much money I have on me or else I won’t even take 20 cedis home. God of Presby! I thank you so much but I need to be coaching my daughters so they know whom they give their bodies freely to because for me I hate poverty like how the cattle hates colour red. Those girls are my investment, I mean to say my cocoa plantation and I have to harvest all the fruits on them. I will send Akua Yankey some money to prepare katekonto soup (groundnut and cocoyam leaves) plus kokonte for me this evening with bush meat to match. Let me rush to my shop now before my clients get there if they are already not there.
(Opana gets to his shop to meet a lot of noise and misconduct going on and he makes his presence felt)
Opana
(screaming)
What nonsense is going on here you fools? Is that how you dimwits behave in my absence? And who is sleeping in the coffin that is due for collection this morning?
Apprentice 3
Good morning boss. It is the senior apprentice who is lying in the coffin.
Opana
Nonsense!!! Sleeping by this time of the day in my workshop? Wake him up and come along with him right this minute.
(Senior apprentice is called to Opana’s presences shortly looking all drunk)
Senior Apprentice
Master good morning and welcome to shop this morning.
Opana
(holds his nose and draws back)
What is good about this morning you fool? See how you smell of alcohol early this morning. Did you fall in the alcohol? You have been an apprentice for the past 7 years instead of 4years and you still haven’t learnt anything. Instead of you to take matters into your hands and handle it with seriousness, you go about drinking and living an irresponsible life by playing and fooling around. You have already impregnated 2 different ladies as you remain an apprentice in my shop. What the hell is wrong with you? Don’t try shifting the blame on anyone or the devil. Now tell me, what is your problem?
Senior Apprentice
Hmmmm master, there is a big problem oh. I don’t know how and where to start.
Opana
My friend start talking and start anywhere because I haven’t got all day to spend on you.
Senior Apprentice
Mmmm, Mmmmmm, Mmmmmmmmm.
Opana
(screaming out loud)
My friend talk before I slap the stammering hell out of you. Are you mad?
Senior Apprentice
Hmmmm master, I have impregnated another girl oooooo.
Opana
Whaaaaaat? Pregnancy? Again? Gracious Mary, mother of Jesus Christ!!! What at all is wrong with you? Can’t you urinate at one place for it to foam? We haven’t finished solving the first 2 pregnancies and you have added a third one to it. What do you even tell these girls for them to open their legs for you?
Second Apprentice
Master, he tells them that you are his uncle and that the shop belonged to his father but you are only taking care of the shop temporally. He also tells them that, very soon he will take the shop away from you and be the boss here.
Opana
Really?
Senior Apprentice
(alcohol content flushing out of his system hearing what his junior said) That’s a lie from the pit of hell! Why do you want to ruin my life this way? Are you trying to get back at me because I took the girl from you?
Second Apprentice
You know I didn’t really like that girl because she was not my type of girl. You know I like slim girls and not those with big breast and buttocks.
Opana
Will you two fools keep quiet this very moment? Don’t you have any shred of respect for me? You are standing in front of the person who is helping you to make a living out of your miserable lives and yet, you choose to display this gross disrespect. Now who is this girl in question?
Second Apprentice
Master, it is the girl who sells gari and beans.
Opana (whispers to himself, hope it’s not the girl I have been lusting for) Which gari and beans seller are you talking about here?
Second Apprentice
Master, I mean the one who comes here every afternoon to sell to us.
Opana
Herh! Do you mean Ayigbe Gifty?
Second Apprentice
Yes sir. She is the girl I’m talking about. My senior has broken her engine.
Opana
You fools have succeeded in taking the meat out of my mouth.
Second Apprentice
I don’t understand you, sir. Please what do you mean?
Opana
Move away from me, you blockhead. I will deal with the two of you after we are done with the morning devotion. Now come around all of you as we commit the day’s activities into God’s hands.
The boys raised several worship songs before a word of prayer was said and you won’t believe the kind of prayer Opana said.
Episode 5
(Prayer)
Father God, you said the devil finds work for the idle hand so I have decided to make myself useful to God and my fellow mankind. GHACEM prays for people to build. Unilever prays for us to get dirty and our mouths to smell so we’ll buy omo and pepsodent. The doctor prays for the outbreak of diseases and sickness so they’ll come to the hospital for treatment and the food seller prays for people to go hungry so that they’ll buy their food. The lawyer prays for people to get big problems so he solves same for them, the police pray for drivers to do wrong things on the road so they take bribe and the fire service personnel pray for fire outbreak so that they can come and quench the fire to make themselves useful to society. The road contractor prays for the road to spoil, the vulcanizer prays for people’s tyres to spoil or deflect so he repairs or pumps it for them and the public toilet owner prays for people to get running stomach so they patronize his toilet. The tailor prays for people’s dresses to get torn so that he does alteration for them and the pastor even prays for people to get more spiritual attacks so he will sell different oils to them. The only person who wishes us well is the armed robber because he prays we get more money so that he can come and rob us but even this I pray they either kill their victims or better still get caught and beaten to death so that my products will be purchased. Father God, it’s not like I am greedy or I wish untimely death for my fellow mankind but man has to survive and also pray to support his/her job. This is the only profession I have and I’m making myself useful to God and the township. I pray you to give me customers who will not be so stingy that any amount I mention to them; they’ll accept without asking for a reduction. I humbly pray that the shop of my rival who has decided to run a coffin promotion in the next two towns catches fire and burns to ashes. Any apprentice of mine who is trying to play smart or use my shop as a bait to lure any girl into his bed, Father God, let that person never get an erection. May anyone who double- cross me stumble and fall right in front of me. I’m not praying for misfortune or disaster to occur but I pray that the incident that happened at the Accra sports stadium will reoccur in this town and other surrounding towns so that more of my coffins will be bought. I know Angel Gabriel is hovering around and has seen the number of coffins in my shop which hasn’t been bought yet. If anything is not done early my boys and I will go on a demonstration to register our displeasure to you God. It’s too early to channel many problems to you my God so I will call on you in a one on one prayer session later in the day. Have a nice day God and don’t forget to put a smile on my face as you started it this morning with that foolish young guy. Amen.
All Apprentices
Amen
Opana
Now who was supposed to sweep this place this morning and didn’t do it on time?
13th Apprentice
Master please I was the one supposed to do it. When I got to the workshop this morning, I was sent by my senior to go and buy soya beans (aboboi) and riped plantain in the next town and as you always tell us to obey our seniors before complain I had no option than to go. The moment I got back is when you also showed up.
Opana
Okay so which of the seniors sent you this early morning all the way to the next town just to buy this useless food?
13th Apprentice
Please it is senior apprentice number 12.
Opana
Whaaaaaat? So the fact that you are 17years older than him didn’t scare him erh? Isn’t he just a day older than you as an apprentice? Doesn’t he know that you’ll both graduate on the same day? Blackman loves post and power paa ooo, where is he?
12th Apprentice
Master please I’m here.
Opana
See his small and round face like a Chinese old man. You sent someone who is 17 years older than you early this morning to go to the next town just to buy you food whiles you knew very well that the workshop has not been cleaned. In his absence, you didn’t get the domestic wisdom to do his responsibility on his behalf. Now all of you listen to me, I brought that “obey before complain law” here in this workshop. Henceforth, I have revoked that law on all the apprentices here till further notice. Now where is the food that he went to buy for you?
12th Apprentice
Master please it is on the white coffin over there.
Opana
Herh! Are you that stupid? Are you not aware that the coffin is due for collection this morning and it was only sprayed yesterday? So what if the food spills on it the moment the people show up? Ah! So you people want to ruin my business erh? Go and tell whoever sent you that you have failed woefully. You know what? Go and bring the food because I have seized it. Now go and get the broom and start sweeping this place before I channel my anger on you.
The 12th Apprentice brought the food and Opana took it, went to sit in a corner of the workshop and started eating the food while he made the 12th apprentice to go home for the day as punishment. He also told him to come with his parents when coming to work the following day. The two senior apprentices were each given a coffin to carry while kneeling as a punishment for the display they gave earlier on. About an hour later, some people came to the workshop searching for Opana and when his attention was drawn, he started smiling because he taught his clients were in.
Opana
Hello. Welcome to Opana and Sons Coffin Mall. How may I be of help to you people?
Elderly Man
Good morning sir, I believe you are the Opana people having been talking about everywhere in this town.
Opana
Oh yes I am the one and only Opana “the rough boy” in and around this town. Any other Opana again you hear of is a refabrication. Which type of coffin do you want? What is the size and height of the dead person?
Elderly Man
Talking about coffins, we have already bought some from your colleague in the next two towns.
Opana
(cuts in rudely)
So if you have bought your coffin already, what are you doing in my shop? Hope you didn’t come here to make fun of me because I won’t take it lightly with you people at all.
Elderly Man Why would we leave our home and walk to your shop to mock you? As a matter of fact, we came here on a very serious and different agenda.
Opana
Excuse me, sir, apart from coffins that I make I don’t do any other business here in this shop. If it’s a room you want to rent in my house the best place to discuss that issue is my house and not this place. So if you came in respect to that, please go and come to my house in the evening.
Elderly Man
Hahahaha we don’t equally need a room to rent. The reason why my family members and I are here this morning is because my nephew said the money he went to collect from my son to aid us give my sister a befitting burial was taken away from him by you. So we are here to retrieve the money.
Opana
Who are you referring to as your nephew? Is it the young man with the broad chest standing behind the woman?
Elderly Man
Yes, that is the person I’m talking about.
Opana
Young man, have we met before?
Episodes Edited by:
Kharisa
THE WRITER
I am Akoto Adjei Alexander, a Christian. A product of Abetifi Presbyterian Senior High School, Abetifi-Kwahu. I am in my late 20’s and the last born of the boys my parent brought to earth. I am a fiction/scriptwriter who loves to write about nature and the realities of life. Furthermore, I do a little of Graphics Design, I do MC’ing of events somethings, a Motivational Speaker and a Relationship Talk Expert.
Guest Writer: GRACE KLUBI :: DIARY OF A COLLEGE GIRL: A TOUCH OF LOVE :: FINAL EPISODE
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