The Silent Vow
EUNICE ANSAH-AGYEMAN
The Author
THE SILENT VOW
Sedinam turned in the sofa again and again. The pain from all the miscarriages she had suffered resurfaced, and it was with a herculean effort that she fought to stay sane.
She allowed the tears to flow down her cheeks unchecked. She was at her lowest, to put it mildly, but somehow, she didn’t blame Eli much. She knew her heart belonged to another, yet she had settled down with him with the hope that she would grow to love him. Maybe she had done a lousy job hiding the fact that she would forever be in love with Sefa. Theirs was a love so fierce and passionate that, at one time, it almost felt impossible for one to live without the other.
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It was a difficult task moving on from him because somehow, he had become her yardstick and all men who came her way had to measure up to that standard.
Eli came close, and when it became apparent after years of waiting and searching for her lost love that she would never find him, she had decided to move on with Eli. What helped at the time was the fact that Eli was hopelessly in love with her and would never take no for an answer. He had persisted until she had finally agreed to date him. He had won her over gradually with his devotion and love.
When she couldn’t take the heartache from the current happenings anymore, she moved to the kitchen an hour earlier than her usual time and got herself busy with the meals for the day.
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She thought of Sefa as she went about her chores that felt like forced labour that particular morning. Sedinam wondered if Sefa was happy, had kids, and was able to achieve his dreams in life.
She admitted she could give everything just to see him even if it was for the last time to know he was doing okay.
When Eli came downstairs in his boxers and a pair of slippers, Sedi had already set the table for breakfast and packed his lunch in the usual warmer she kept in his car boot.
He greeted with a long face and sat on one of the chairs around the dining table. Sedi tried to walk away after responding to his greeting without eye contact, but Eli held her hands.
“Please, forgive my error. I’m sorry I have to put you through this. Please sit with me and let’s eat together like old times. I know you have a lot of questions and I will be glad to answer them.”
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Sedi sat on the chair reluctantly, still unable to keep eye contact with the man she had pledged to love and hold for better and for worse till death.
Eli dished a plate of sandwiches, garnished it with the vegetable salad and poured a cupful of the brown gold tea she had prepared for breakfast. He placed them in front of his wife and dished another plate for himself.
He gave a little prayer and started eating, relieved somehow that the secret he had been carrying for a while now was out.
He knew it was going to be a long battle with trust and other issues, but he was happy he had told her the truth. To Keep something this heavy from a woman who had been nothing but good and supportive was like carrying a bag of wet sand on his shoulders and walking up a hill with it.
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Halfway through the meal, he realized Sedi was not eating anymore, and her eyes were glistening as if tears had formed in them.
“I know I’ve hurt you badly. I know it doesn’t mean much at this point, but I will say it anyway. I’m deeply sorry for the harm I’ve caused.”
“Do you love her?” Sedi asked in a faint voice as if she was scared of the answer he would give.
“I love only you, Sedi. You may not believe it right now because of what had happened, but I do, with all my heart and more.”
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“How did this happen then, Eli? I can’t seem to wrap my mind around this. If you so much wanted to have sex, why didn’t you tell me? Why should you find a replacement for me when I was right here?”
“She’s not a replacement for you, please. I just allowed things to go a bit far. It started as a joke, and then it got out of hand. I was weak to walk away. I erred, but it doesn’t mean I prefer her to you. I love you. You have to believe that.”
The more Eli explained himself, the more confused Sedi got. She wondered if she had taken his love and faithfulness for granted. How could he say he loved her and just have sex with another woman? That was nonsense in her books.
“How did it happen, Eli? Were you drunk, seduced, drugged, forced? I don’t get it,” Sedi said with frustration.
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“I’m so sorry, Sedi. Truly sorry for this.”
When it became clear to Sedinam that he was not going to answer her last question, she stood up and tried to move to the kitchen, but Eli blocked her. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but she stepped aside and warned him not to do that.
“The last thing I want right now is getting intimate with you in any way. I’m really disappointed by your actions, and this will take a while to shake off. If you think you are in love with this mystery lady, you can come clean with me, and we will find common ground on this but don’t expect me to come running into your arms after stabbing my heart with the sharpest knife literally. This will take time to heal,” she stated with anger in her voice, surprised that this had gotten to her so much. She did not think she could be that vulnerable where he was concerned.
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“We can go for counselling if that will help. I know I failed you but please don’t write us off. I don’t want to live without you.”
Sedi sidestepped him and headed for the kitchen, trying hard to control the tears that were threatening to break through now.
Eli caught up with her and pulled her close as she sobbed, whispering his apologies for causing her so much heartache.
When she calmed down, he led her to the sofa and stayed with her for a long while as she let her emotions run wild.
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Sensing that the worst as far as tears were over, Eli carried the plates and leftover food from the table to the kitchen. He washed them, dried them and put them up on the shelves.
When he finished, he went to the bathroom to draw the bath for them and came downstairs to get Sedi.
“What are you going to tell her? No woman in her right senses will want to give up her child after birth. What happens if she changes her mind after delivery? She has the right to raise that child, you know. We can’t force her to do otherwise. Besides, I don’t know how I’m going to deal with the constant reminder of your infidelity.”
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Eli shared her sentiments. He knew it was not going to be easy to put behind them what had happened, especially with the child in the mix. He should have just gone ahead with his plan to abort the baby and let things just slide. He had taken that decision before coming home the previous day, but somehow, when Sedi flipped about his late nights and other things, he had just let out the cat from the bag without a second thought. Now, he saw the damage that the news had caused and wished he had stuck with his decision.
“I was hoping you would tell me, Sedi. I honestly don’t know what to do. But looking at how this is affecting you, I think the best option is to schedule that appointment and get it over and done with.”
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“But that child has done nothing wrong. Why shouldn’t he or she get a chance to live? That’s a right, you know?”
“I know that. But I don’t think there’s a choice here. If I’m having this baby, then I’m raising him or her with you. If it will be a problem to put you through yet another heartache, I would rather not. I love you. You should know that.”
“Can I at least sleep over it tonight? Abortion is a no for me. But let us talk more about this, maybe we will find a solution that can work for the three of us.”
“Sure,” Eli said, happy that she mentioned the three of them.
“Can we take our bath then?”
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There was something about the way he said it that made it difficult for Sedi to say no. Grudgingly, she allowed herself to be led to the ultra-modern bathroom they shared as a couple.
Eli helped her up into the bath and entered when he was sure she was comfortable.
It felt awkward for both of them, especially after what had happened. Silently, they both started sponging themselves, and it was the first time they took a both without the usual giggles.
Somewhere along the line, Eli started sponging her back, and when she did not resist the action, he took his time to do it.
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His hands diverted to her buttocks, making him smile because every time he had done that in the past, she had asked him if that was part of her back.
He would have answered in the affirmative and most times he would have received a kiss for it.
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He allowed his hand to wander, but Sedi did not give him any inkling as to whether she liked what he was doing or not.
When he realised she was not going to loosen up about the tension that had plagued them, Eli hurried with his bath and was out and ready for work in no time.
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