Stinking Mad Beggar…
AARON ANSAH-AGYEMAN
THE NARRATOR’S VERSES
STINKING MAD BEGGAR
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VERSE ONE
I knew a mad beggar who stank a lot….eeeeew!
Oh, hello there!
We meet once again, right?
Another Sunday, and we are all alive by the grace of God!
I am Abdallah Adams, the one they call The Narrator….
Heheheeee, because I like narrating tales…aha.
Now where was I? Oh, yes, I was telling you about that stinking beggar…ayooo.
Now, why am I remembering that beggar?
Oh, yes, I remember now. My old wife, that sweet, dearest woman, told me today that she wanted to eat waakye this evening. I thought she would cook the waakye herself, because she is a mean cook, a real talent with her kitchen skills!
But she said she’s tired today, and so I had to drive to that waakye joint a good ten kilometres away, the Maame Abbawa waakye joint!
Yes, that waakye has been around for a while. The best waakye around, I swear! I’ve bitten my tongue on more than ten occasions eating that waakye…sosket!
Even my friend Jude Albert had been walking ten kilometres to buy that waakye for his friend, Princess Hayford…heheheee…good lad, Alby, but I wonder if Princess will break his heart o….ayooo, me and my okro mouth…hahahhaaaa!
Jeezoz, Princessoz, hope you and Alby are doing well today!
It has the real taste of waakye, I won’t lie to you. Not like nowadays where all the waakye either tasted like diluted rice and beans, or has stones in them…hayhayhay!
The other time I ate some waakye at a funeral and bit into a chunk of stone…and I was sitting there crying silently! My wife had been concerned because I really didn’t know the woman whose funeral we were attending very well, you know. We had just accompanied one of our church members to the funeral of his mother-in-law, and there I was, sitting there and weeping!
Yes, they thought I was weeping for the woman!
For the where? I had just added my tongue and the inside of my cheek to the stone in the waakye and bitten into all three, and blood was filling my mouth and the pain was so apaaakyepapa that I just sat there and cried…oh, bloody fool waakye!
Anyway, sorry, sorry, there I go again, rambling on like the old man I am!
Forgive me, forgive me.
VERSE TWO
Ayooo, I was telling you about how good Maame Abbawa’s waakye was. People came from far to buy that waakye. It was located near the roadside too, and so they made a lot of money.
Nowadays it is being operated by the two sisters, Aba and Mansa. You see, Maame Abbawa passed on some years back, and her daughters took on the waakye factory…heheheee!
They used to be three of them, yes. Aba, Mansa and Esi.
Esi was the eldest, followed by Aba, and then Mansa. Hm, Aba and Mansa were both married, yes, and Esi wasn’t, even though she was the eldest. There was a time we all thought she wasn’t going to marry, you see.
We all said that the marriage wagon had passed her by, you see, because she was getting on in age and was still unmarried.
You know how it goes, hahahaa. When a woman isn’t married by a certain age we all start writing her off, hahaaaheey! She is either a witch, or she had a bad character, that is what we say!
Well, Esi was in her late thirties around the time the stinking beggar began coming around. Aba got pregnant and married the man responsible, her boyfriend of many years.
Mansa also married one of the young men around, a man called Tawiah. Now, see, Tawiah initially wanted to marry Esi.
Tawiah and Esi were school mates, and his parents had a little money. He was in class with Esi, and he dated Esi for some time. Unfortunately, Esi wouldn’t open her thighs for him, hayhayhay!
Tawiah wanted to service the something akologant, you see! He loved it very much, but Esi wouldn’t give it to him! Even kiss kiss koraa adabraka…she wouldn’t kiss him!
Tawiah too wanted the thing, but wasn’t getting the thing…ah well!
Now, before long Mansa began to swell up around the middle!
Ajeeiii! She had given the hole of talamaku to Tawiah to hammer!
Well, Tawiah accepted responsibility, much to Esi’s chagrin!
They all thought Esi was jealous, but she wasn’t actually. Well, maybe she was just a little bit jealous, because she had known Tawiah for a while, and thought he would eventually accept her decision to abstain from the borborbor until marriage, you see!
But Tawiah, that snake, went behind her back and did the shenanigans with her sister!
VERSE THREE
And so they had a wedding, yes, and Esi sat at the gift table and had to console her broken heart at her sister’s wedding!
And that was that!
Aba gave birth to a boy, and Mansa gave birth to a girl, and in-between they lost their mother…and so, eventually, the three sisters continued in the waakye business!
And now, the beggar!
Nobody knew where he came from o!
Abakade!
He was a young man with matted hair and a beard and moustache all grown wantuuuum!
And he was one of the most foolish beggars I had ever seen!
He could just stand at one place and stare into the sky as if he could see the second coming of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ…hayhayhayhay!
He was wearing black trousers and a ladies pink dress, the first time I saw him! And he was standing bang in the middle of the road and I swear I almost run him over! He used to beg for money, and we all knew he was quite mad.
I gave him a few five or ten cedis on occasion, you see. He would just approach your car and rub his stomach, indicating he was hungry, and so anytime I saw him I passed on a five or ten cedi note to him.
Oh yes, I love doing that!
Some people go round saying if you give a beggar money, he would go and make juju with it! Also, some say they are being punished by God for their wickedness! Some say they are pretending to be beggars so that they would amass wealth! Others say if you give them money, you would become poor!
Ohooooo! How wicked can we be?
God says we should give alms to the beggars if we are blessed with enough! Why do we give so many reason, huh? Boi!
As for me I have pity on the needy o? I don’t want God to tell me when he came to me hungry I turned Him away o! Secondly, abi you remember what I went through, right, when I got paralyzed and my wife stayed in poverty for five years?
Ahaaaaa! God has done some for me! My wife lived on the generosity of others, and so we never forget to be generous o!
So please, renew your wicked mind o! My Nigerian friend Grace Opurum will say ‘wickad’….hayhayhayhayyy, laughing in Korean like Beatrice Maame Efua Baah.
VERSE FOUR
Anyway, anyway, anyway…make I continue, jooor!
Now where was I? I’m an oluman o! I forget my bearings sometimes, so please remind me small….
Oh, yes, that funny beggar!
The one thing about that mad beggar was that he stank to high heavens!
Awoooo!
The first time I let down the window of the car to give him the money, I almost vomited la! Ebeeeeeeiiii! Stink be this? It was as if he was covered with the whole stink of the world!
And so whenever he came around the sellers threw water and stones and other things at him to drive him away! Oh, dear Lord! Hmmm.
Now, because the waakye joint was nearby, anytime the mad beggar had a little money he would take it there to buy some food!
And that was where the trouble began o!
Awo!
Aba and Mansa couldn’t stand that mad beggar o!
They threw water at him!
There was even one occasion when Tawiah and Akoto teamed up and whipped him mercilessly.
Oh, forgive me, you don’t know Akoto.
Anyway, Akoto was the husband of Aba, yes.
VERSE FIVE
You see, they normally came around in the evenings or mornings to take their breakfast or dinner, aha!
And anytime they came, they would cover their noses with napkins and either chase the stinking mad beggar away or whip him with sticks and cudgels!
There was even a time when Mansa threw hot soup on the man o!
Aoowwww!
The way that mad man screamed and cried that day, eh!
It was such a sad thing to see him running away and contorting, tearing off his pink blouse because the soup was in and burning him!
Oh, Jeeeeezooooz, like my friend Princess Hayford would say!
It was a pathetic sight indeed, and that day many people cried o!
But no one cried greater than Esi!
That woman had never been unkind, and she always fought her sisters for being so unkind to that mad beggar o!
When she was around she always gave some waakye to the mad beggar for free!
Now, following that incident when the hot soup was poured on the mad beggar, Esi run after him, and she helped him take off his blouse…did I tell you it was a pink blouse?
Heheheee! I believe I did!
Anyway, anyway, anyway…we box on!
From that day Esi bought some obroni wawu shirts and trousers and kept them nearby o.
She always took the mad beggar to some trees a little far from the waakye joint to feed him o! Even one night she tried to trim his hair but that man ran away when he saw the scissors!
Maybe he thought the scissors was a snake o!
Heeeheheehee!
He started to wear the shirts Esi bought for him o.
But since the day he was splattered with hot soup, he didn’t come near the waakye stand again o!
He always stayed far away, under the trees, and waited for Esi to feed him o!
Esi tried to speak to him sometimes, but he wouldn’t speak. You see, his body developed some bad sores because of that hot soup splash…oh, Yehowa!
But eventually he healed, hmmm.
VERSE SIX
Well, Aba and Mansa began fighting with Esi for being friends with the mad beggar o! They said their customers would think they had used the man for juju that was why Esi was so kind to him!
Tawiah and Akoto also claimed people were saying Esi was bringing germs to the shop by associating with that mad beggar, and so they were losing customers!
They fought and insulted Esi to stop, but she wouldn’t!
Eventually, they agreed that they would not allow her to serve inside the shop again, but she should always be in the kitchen!
That was no problem for the kind woman, no, bless her!
She continued to take care of the mad stinking beggar and feed him anytime he was around.
Now, there was a dirty bracelet around the beggars left wrist that was too tight, and was cutting into his wrist quite terribly. Esi waited until he was asleep under the tree, and then she used the scissors to cut it off!
She then fixed a new bracelet on his wrist!
It was made with beads, and she made it herself when she was making some beads to wear around her sexy waist….hayhayhayyy, I am looking for trouble o! How did I know she had a sexy waist mpo?
Hahahaha, ajeeeeeiiii!
But hey, the way Esi can walk and her back alugabooms would wriggle fantabulously supermosessly, I could tell she had a sexy, jumajiga waist o!
Ah, well, think what you want, you evil-minded person! God knows my heart is clean…hahahahaaa!
Anyway, anyway, anyway….
When Esi was fixing the bead on his wrist, the young man woke up from his sleep, and he sat staring at the bead around his wrist for a long time, and tears shimmered in his eyes o!
That was the only time he spoke o!
He said, “Thank you, Esi!”
Now Esi was taken aback o!
How did this mad man know her name, heh? Ayoooo!!
Ah, well, it continued like that for about six months.
By this time her sisters were almost not speaking to her, and so were their husbands!
VERSE SEVEN
Well, one day there was some exercise to clean the streets o, and so police vans and psychiatry institute staff went round the city capturing mad people and forcing them into the police vans!
That day Esi saw them coming, and she was running to warn her mad friend to ran!
She screamed at him to run away!
But the man was just standing and staring into the sky as if he had seen Peter chasing a cockerel in the sky o! He was just standing there laughing, and the police caught him and took him away!
Esi was so sad that day even though her sisters were so so happy!
At long last, the man was gone!
Ayooo!
Life went on!
Four months later, it happened!
They were selling the waakye as usual when a sleek, marvellous, incredible, shiny, powerful four-runner pulled up o!
Hm, the man that got out of the car was like an angel o!
Heeeeerh! Handsomeness be wetin?
Clean-shaven with well-cropped hair, excellently-dressed in casual clothing of jeans and polo-neck T-shirt and Air Jordans, with his HD Crafter sun shades, he looked more than a prince o!
Heeerh! As he stood in the queue the crowd even ushered him forward to place his order o!
Sosket!
He walked to Esi’s part of the cage and ordered waakye o! Esi found herself staring at him with a slight frown, and her heart was beating o, for no reason at all!
She asked if he would take it away, or he wanted to eat right there, and he said he would eat there!
Ah well….
There was a place reserved at the back, a special place where only Tawiah and Akoto took their meals, and that was where Esi carried the stranger’s meal!
Akoto and Tawiah were eating dinner, and they looked up with surprise when Esi brought the food of the stranger.
VERSE EIGHT
He greeted them and sat down.
He ate slowly and conversed with them good-naturedly o! Oh, he was such a classic and excellent gentleman la! Heheheheee!
Well, Mansa came in after some time and serve iced water to Akoto and Tawiah.
She noticed how handsome the stranger was, and how rich he looked, and she asked politely if he had been served with iced water.
The man lifted the bottle by his side and smiled.
“Oh, yes, Esi gave me one,” he said and smiled. “Ei, I thank God that today you want to serve me water instead of throwing soup on me. And today these two gentleman are so kind to me instead of beating me with clubs. Isn’t the world a funny place?”
Ahaaaaaa!
Na there the trouble began o!
Akoto, Tawiah and Mansa looked at each other, barely able to speak as the shock hit them like Akosombo Agege train o!
Yie!
Trouble come land o!
Chineke Baba God Jehovah!
Abakade!
No, Lord, surely this could not be the same stinking mad beggar o! Maybe he was playing games with them o!
VERSE NINE
Mansa was trembling badly as she took dazed steps back o!
Now, that was about the same time Esi entered, coming to enquire if the stranger had finished eating.
She saw the stunned expressions on Mansa, Tawiah and Akoto’s faces, and that was when the stranger had a call on his phone.
He picked the phone up, slid to receive the call, and as he put it to his ear Esi saw the bead around his wrist o!
He smiled at her when she gave a strangled gasp, and he slowly removed his shades…and she saw his eyes!
And then she knew o!
She would never forget those eyes o!
She had never forgotten those eyes o!
“You!” Esi whispered, and her body began to shake o!
Ahaaaa!
Na you dey der!
Who say shocker no dey?
Wahala dey, yawa dey…but sometimes too happiness and joy dey plenty plenty like pipe water o!
The young man told the person on the phone that he would get back to him, and then he cut the call and stood up.
He approached Esi and put his hands on her shoulders.
“Esi!” he whispered, and there was love on his face even more than the love Romeo had for Juliet o, I tell you.
“You!” Esi whispered again, trembling.
“Yes, Esi,” the man said gently. “I had some troubles a year ago. My fiancée died unexpectedly. I loved her so much, and I couldn’t take it! It affected my brain, and I ran from home. I roamed the streets like a mad man, but by the grace of God when the police took me, my parents finally sent me to the right institution, and I was able to accept and deal with my loss.”
“Oh!” Esi whispered as tears came to her eyes, and dripped down her cheeks. “Oh, I’m so glad for you!”
“It was you, Esi!” the man said gently, and tears came into his own eyes. “I couldn’t forget your incredible eyes, your gentle voice, your sweet words! I was able to focus on you, and my healing was faster. Hey, my name is Annor Ossom, terrible name, terrible name, I know. But I am an only son, and I ran my father’s companies. You can say, I’m a very, very rich man, Esi.”
And that was where Aba also came in o, and she heard o, and she and Mansa exchanged confused looks o.
Esi looked at this stranger with her tears running unchecked down her cheeks.
“Oh!” she whispered again. “I am so happy for you! But, please, don’t even think of giving me anything. I don’t need money, okay? I did it because…because…that is how I am. I did it from a good heart.”
“The heart of an angel, I know,” Annor said gently. “I am not going to reward you, dear Esi. There is a little trouble, though.”
“And what might that be, sir?” she asked, still stunned.
VERSE TEN
“Well, seems I lost my heart here, you see,” Annor said gently, lovingly. “You have taken it, and since I can’t take it back, it means you have to go back with me. Can you handle being called Mrs. Esi Ossom? If you hate it, I’ll change the name to something you like.”
“Oh!” Esi whispered, taking a step back, shaking her head, weeping uncontrollably. “Oh, sir! I’m not well educated! I don’t know much about the circle you live in…please!”
“Esi, I don’t need an educated, sophisticated woman!” Annor said. “I have fallen in love with you. God gave you to me at a time I was lost. I love you, and if you want me to come and work here for your love, I will!”
“Oh!” Esi whispered, her heart breaking with the depths of her love for this incredible stranger, and suddenly she flew into his arms, and she was blasted by his gentle perfume…and the stink was gone.
Her first kiss, inside that waakye joint, was tender and so sweet!
And they were not aware of the four pairs of jealous eyes staring at them o!
Aha!
So that was how Esi left the waakye joint o, and became the wife of a famous super-rich industrialist o…and gave birth eventually to two sons and twin daughters o!
Now don’t go saying this story is fiction, I beg you o! It is a true story la!
Two morals I leave you o, my peoples!
A-One: be kind to everybody o, even beggars and mad people o, yoooo!
A-Two: Never think your time pass o! Do not change, because Baba God has the right time for everybody o, ayoo! The last laugh be the queee-queee-queee o!
Okay, I just bought some waakye from the joint for my wife o. I saw Esi there o. she had visited her sisters in her smashing four runner, and her children were playing with the children of Aba and Mansa.
Now, let me tell you small gossip o…hahahaaaa!
There was a lot of difference between Esi’s children and the children of her sisters o! Don’t tell me I’m konkonsa akokoraa o! The thing I see be the thing I dey talk now!
Okay o, make I run before Aba and Mansa come kill me with hot soup o!
Bye bye…see y’all another Sunday!
I am Abdallah Adams.
I am The Narrator…and these have been my verses!
Adios!
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Happiest Birthday, Claudia! You’re appreciated!
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