What is Self-Esteem?
Simply put, self-esteem is how much a person values herself/himself. Positive self-esteem makes you feel capable and loved. This feeling can change from day to day or year to year. Self-esteem, however, tends to develop from infancy and keep going until adulthood.
If the development stage gets warped on the way, a child may grow up with an inferiority complex the size of the Atlantic Ocean, and most of the things she does could end up as failures simply because she does not have healthy self-esteem.
Good self-esteem for your child is like giving her metal armour against the challenges she would face in the world.
Kids with healthy self-esteem are like glittering jewels:
- They know their strengths and weaknesses
- Feel good about themselves
- Have an easier time handling conflicts
- Have strong resistance to pressures
- Smile and enjoy life
- Are realistic and generally optimistic
In contrast, children with low self-esteem strive through life because:
- challenges become major sources of anxiety and frustration for them
- they think poorly about themselves
- always have a hard time finding solutions to problems.
- they have self-critical thoughts like ‘I can’t do anything right’ and ‘I’m no good’.
- mostly, they become passive, withdrawn, and depressed.
- Their immediate response to challenges is ‘I can’t!’
Self-esteem goes with love. A child who is happy with achievement but does not feel loved may eventually experience low self-esteem. Likewise, a child who feels loved but is hesitant about her abilities can also develop low self-esteem.
Healthy self-esteem comes when a good balance is maintained!
The catch: Patterns of self-esteem can be imparted from childhood! Once adulthood is reached, it is nearly impossible to make changes to how a person sees and defines life!
So, this is the time to develop your child’s self-esteem! When your child tries, fails, tries again, fails again, and then finally succeeds, she develops ideas about her capabilities. He/she also creates a self-concept based on his/her everyday interactions with other people.
This is why parental involvement is key to helping kids form accurate and healthy self-perceptions! Parents can promote healthy self-esteem by showing love, encouragement, and enjoyment in all areas of their child’s development.
Signs of Unhealthy Self Esteem
Self-esteem fluctuates as your child grows.
It is affected by your child’s experiences and new perceptions, so it helps to be aware of the signs of both healthy and unhealthy self-esteem.
Kids with unhealthy self-esteem may exhibit the following:
- May not want to try new things
- May speak negatively about themselves
‘I’m stupid’, ‘I’ll never learn how to do this’, ‘What’s the point?’ ‘Nobody cares anyway,” are some of their utterances when faced with new challenges.
- May exhibit a low tolerance for frustration
- Gives up easily
- Waits for somebody else to take over
- Overly critical of themselves
- Always disappointed in themselves
- See temporary setbacks as permanent conditions
- Their sense of pessimism prevails
These unhealthy self-esteem traits can place your child at risk for stress and mental health problems.
Signs of Healthy Self-Esteem
A child with a healthy self-esteem has these traits:
- Enjoys interacting with others
- Is comfortable in social settings
- Enjoys both group and independent pursuits
- Works towards finding solutions to challenges that arise
- Shows discontent without belittling herself
- Rather than say ‘I’m an idiot’ she says ‘I don’t understand this.’
- Knows her strengths and weaknesses and accepts them
- Always has a prevailing sense of optimism
How You Can Help
Be Careful What You Say:
Your child can be very sensitive to your words, and the words of others. Remember to praise her not only for a job well done but also for the effort. But be truthful. For example, avoid saying, “Next time you’ll work harder and make it.”
Instead, try “Well, you didn’t make it, but I’m really proud of you for the effort you put into it.”
Reward effort and completion instead of the outcome!
Help Them Overcome Disappointment:
Sometimes your child’s skill level just might not be there in a particular discipline, maybe in soccer. You should use humour and warmth to help them learn what they’re good at and what they’re not good at and to appreciate what makes them unique. It is okay to say, “Well, at least you didn’t score an own goal. When I was your age I sometimes scored own goals!”
Be a Positive Role Model:
If you’re excessively harsh on yourself, pessimistic, or unrealistic about your abilities and limitations, your child might eventually mirror you. Nurture your own self-esteem and let your child see it, and she’ll have a great role model.
Identify and Redirect Inaccurate Beliefs:
Your child may have irrational beliefs about herself concerning almost everything: perfection, attractiveness, ability, mental strength, and the list goes on.
Help your child to be more realistic in evaluating herself. For example, she might be an excellent student in all subjects but struggles with Mathematics.
All too often we hear ourselves say, “Oh, my child is not good in maths.’ She also might say ‘I can’t do maths. I’m a bad student.’ This is a false generalization and can set your child up for failure.
Encourage your child to see a situation more objectively. For example, tell her, ‘My dear, you’re a good student and do great in school. Mathematics is a subject that you need to spend more time on. We’ll work on it together’.
Be Spontaneous and Affectionate:
In our society, it’s always difficult showing love and warmth to our kids.
Some of us stop hugging our kids as soon as they learn to speak. This is wrong.
Your show of love and affection will help boost your child’s self-esteem. Give them hugs and tell them you’re proud of them when you see them putting in efforts towards something they previously failed. You can even put notes in your child’s lunchbox with a message like
‘I’m so proud of you because you’re a terrific child!’
Praise them often and honestly without overdoing it because having an inflated sense of self can lead children and teens to put others down and feel they’re better than everyone else, and this can be socially isolating.
Give Positive and Accurate Feedback:
Avoid comments like ‘You’re old enough to know better! You always work yourself into a frenzy over trifles!’
Such a statement would make her feel he/she has no control over her outbursts. Try this, ‘I can see your brother made you angry, but it is always nice to talk about it with him instead of yelling at or hitting him.’
Such a statement tells him/her that you acknowledge her feelings and encourage her to make the right choice next time.
Create a Safe, Loving Home Environment:
Abused children and those who don’t feel safe at home stand the greatest risk of developing poor self-esteem. A child who’s exposed to parents that fight and say terrible things to each other will feel helpless and depressed. Also watch for signs of abuse by others, problems at school and with friends, and other factors that may affect a child’s self-esteem. Encourage your child to talk to you about solving problems that are too big to solve by him/herself.
Help Your Child Become Involved in Constructive Experiences:
Activities that encourage cooperation rather than competition help foster self-esteem.
Mentoring programs in which an older child helps a younger one learn to read or identify objects can do wonders for both children. Don’t make your child feel average or normal; it just means not being good or not being special to them. Make them feel special and exceptional, but don’t overdo it.
Getting Professional Help
If you suspect your child has very low self-esteem and you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to be working, consider getting professional help. Child and adolescent therapists and counsellors are always willing to help you identify and plan strategies to help your child deal with problems at school and home.
Remember, taking responsibility and pride in who you are is a sure sign of healthy self-esteem and one of the greatest gifts a parent can give to her child. Never take it for granted … work at it and help them say and feel:
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