The Blowman Husband is punching now…
THE NARRATOR’S VERSES
THE BLOWMAN HUSBAND
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Today Sister Akua is happy!
I have not seen her smiling for a long time…oh yes, for years I have not seen Sister Akua smiling la!
I’ve known her for a spell, oh yes. She used to attend the same church with me, and then she got married three years ago to that fine young man called Joojo.
Five years it has been, ahuh, I do remember well!
She used to be a very good church woman o! Heeeerh, you will always find Sister Akua in church, smiling and singing and being so happy with everyone! She always came to church early to sweep and arrange the place for service la!
Chow, that woman was good paa o! Nobody can convince me she wasn’t good, daabida!
Seems like I’m jumping the gun koraa mpo!
Rambling away grada-grada like the old man that I am.
Heheheheee…but in reality I don’t really want to laugh today o!
I just want to look at Sister Akua and how happy she is today, the happiest I have seen her in about four and a half years!
Eerrrm, sorry, sorry…there I go ago rambling like Awukugua rough road tro-tro!
I once sat in an Awukugua tro-tro and darn me if I didn’t see the road through a big pot hole on the floor of the tro-tro…kikikiikiiii!
Anyway, anyway, anyway….
Today is Sunday, abi, and I’m glad to make your acquaintance once more.
I am Abdallah Adams, the one they call The Narrator.
Abi you know dada that I like telling stories, huh?
Today I am not going to speak for too long, you know. I can see my sweet wife from across the room, and the way she has been looking at me tells me that she wants to go home and play with her favourite toy…which is that old shriveled langa-langa between my thighs!
Hohahohahohaaa…laughing in Indonesia!
Oh yes, my rod of alikonjan is old, and it takes a while for him to wake up from slumber and stand tall like the flag pole in front of my church. Well, it is not all that tall, but it is gbofuuu, and once the olady gets it up, not even the guns of the barracks can fire like my tontakun!
Yes, my olady wants one, and so I will rush through this and go home with her so that my body go do me yigbaaaa, sweetlicious adonko…heheheee!
Anyway, welcome, welcome, welcome!
Like I said, Sister Akua is happy today.
We are all attending her party, and I know deep down she wants to laugh out her freedom, and dance around with joy, but she needs to comport herself, so she’s just smiling!
Sister Akua has suffered, oh yes!
She has really suffered for four and a half years married to Joojo.
You see, Joojo is a blowman husband!
He has been beating his wife for all those years!
Heeey, hold on, hold on! Don’t frown, and don’t pass judgement!
You don’t know a darn thing o! you don’t know the story, and I am telling you the story and you want to say wetin?
Hoha-hoha-hoha…laughing in Hindu!
Oh, yes, that Joojo is a horrible man!
But wait o, wait a second, wai.
You see that young man over there, the one with the camera standing in that corner? Yes, that one, the short-ish man with the nice beard and back-bushy haircut? Hahohahahaay…he reminds me of that musician, ohhhhh, what is his name mpo?
Remind me small eh! That musician that sang Azonto Ghost…
Twea, I have forgotten his name…oh yes, I remember now, yes, Bisa K Dei…hoha-hoha-hohaaa…
Yes, but this man’s name is not Bisa, no. He is called Yaw Dodo, yes.
He is a camera man. At first he used to go around with a camera snapping pictures of people. That was before you young people started using your darn phones to snap silly pictures yourselves!
Heeey, I swear my father kanto, some time ago I saw a young woman right in the middle of the road, her phone attached to that thing, wetin call it sef…yeah, a selfie-bar, and she was pushing her buttocks out like she wanted to poop, but this time she was taking a picture of her big bum!
What’s wrong with you this generation?
I got out of the car and I chased her out of the road!
Aba boshit nso nyi? (What nonsense is this?)
Anyway, anyway, anyway…
Yaw Dodo is a photographer.
At first he used to go round and take photos, and then a week later he would print and bring you the photo. And then that instant photo came, and so he could snap a photo and develop it in just a few minutes for you.
Yaw Dodo, he is a hard worker.
You see, he is also a member of our church, and he was so much in love with Sister Akua.
Yaw Dodo supported Sister Akua paa o, heeerh!
Money na money, provision na provision, clothes, gifts, company!
Heerh, Yaw Dodo suffered for Sister Akua.
She was then in school, yes, and we all knew that as soon as she completed the school and got a job, she was going to marry Yaw Dodo.
For the where?
When Sister Akua completed the university, ebei, wahala com land for afajato o!
Suddenly, Yaw Dodo didn’t appeal to her o!
She didn’t want to be called Mrs. Akua Dodo.
So Yaw Dodo said he would change his surname to any name she wanted. He even agreed to let her keep her maiden name la!
Sister Akua now said Yaw Dodo was not in her league o, whatever the scrobuga that meant! She couldn’t marry a man who went from party to party, funeral to funeral, function to function to take pictures!
Eieeeiiii Akua Bushia!
When you were spending the mfonyigrapher money nyafu nyafu like Eve who had laid her greedy hands on an apple in the Garden of Eden, you didn’t know he was making that money from functions?
You craze papa, Akua Sumanguru!
Hoha-hoha-hoha-haaay…laughing in Swahili be dat o!
Anyway, anyway, anyway!!
Sister Akua ended up breaking up poor Yaw Dodo’s heart, because she had met Joojo Katoto at the university!
Now wait o, wait o!
Sister Akuw was complaining about being called Mrs. Dodo, but she was comfortable with being called Mrs. Katoto o!
Can you imagine that boshit!
I swear, when woman talk sey she dawg you, then she dawg you well well be dat o, I swear my mother atofu!
That Katoto name, if you take the ‘Ka’ away, the rest, the ‘Toto’ means some smelly hole in Ga language o…hoha-hoha-hoha-haaaay!
I am sorry o! Not all of them are smelly o! My wife’s own smells like honey on April afternoon, so fine and sweet!
But some of them…adweaaaa sokode! Heerh!
My friend Albert Ogum went to a funeral, got a lady, took her to his room, and when she opened the ‘Toto’ and the smell wafted up to him, he says he held his head and began to weep pitifully like the day his mother died!
Albert Ogum says he just stood up, gathered his clothes, and walked naked into the corridor to breathe, and then he dressed up in the corridor and fled…
It was stinking gushaaa like the kashuma underground in balawo!
Anyway, anyway, anyway…
Sister Akua preferred Katoto to Dodo, and much against our advice and pleadings on behalf of Yaw Dodo, she ended up marrying Joojo Katoto, and her name became Akua Katoto!
Katoto had money because his parents were dosted rough!
Heerh! Money swine!
Their wedding was more explosive than Hurricane Katrina o!
Ewooooo! Wedding be this?
Yaw Dodo didn’t attend! He was weeping like a small boy who had been circumcised and whose fresh cut had been stomped on by a giant’s foot.
So, so sad!
We tried to comfort him, but he was inconsolable!
Ayoo, fast forward eh!
Eventually Sister Akua stopped attending church.
Before then I began to notice that the smile and happiness slowly disappeared from her face.
I saw her once, when she was about four months pregnant.
Later I heard she had been admitted at the hospital, and that she lost her baby!
Oh Lord, why?
When I visited her in hospital, she was almost dead!
Her face was swollen, and her thighs badly wounded. I was told she was involved in an accident, and the baby had to be taken out.
It was about a year later that I heard that her husband, that foolish Joojo Katoto, whose last name stands for the hole of atopa, the hole of talomo, was a blowman husband o!
He had been beating Sister Akua, using her like Azumah Nelson’s sokoto punching bag o!
You see that elderly man and woman over there, in the middle of the room?
Yes, they are Sister Akua’s parents! They knew what was going on, but they kept quiet because Joojo Katoto was giving them good money!
Sister Akua was their only daughter o, but they looked on as Joojo was hammering her like he was making sponge!
When I heard I went to Sister Akua’s house. When she opened the door her head was as big as Case 20 football.
Can the human head swell like this? I couldn’t even recognize her!
In fact, I drove straight to the police station and reported, but when Joojo Katoto was picked up, Sister Akua said she fell down the stairs oo!
Ohhhhh, Sister Akua!
Is it the money, or his handsomeness, or maybe because his tolomana-kuka dey sweet you too much? You fell down the what? Ayooo, I did my best!
Three years after Sister Akua’s marriage, Yaw Dodo also got married.
Sister Akua attended the wedding, but she left at the point Yaw Dodo and his bride were exchanging vows. Someone later told me that she was weeping pitifully o!
Ayooo, na pepper regret be that o!
Oh, you don’t know?
There is tomato regret, which is just some normal distin o!
But the pepper regret makes you sweat o, and feel real pain o!
Na dat one some wey Sister Akua feel that day!
And so everybody stood aside and watched Sister Akua taking blows from her Blowman husband! His terrible assault on her when she was pregnant ensured that her womb was also taken out because of the severity of the beating he meted out to her o!
It meant that she could not be able to have babies again!
Hmmm. So sad, my people, so very sad!
But, the good news is that Sister Akua finally realized that it was too much!
One evening she went to her parents and told them she could no longer stay with her husband because of the way he was beating her!
Her parents called Joojo’s parents, and the two families met to address the issue o!
Joojo promised not to hit her again o!
But really, how could the leopard change its spots?
Sister Akua was forced to go back to her matrimonial home that same evening o, ayooo!
And it is as a result of her going back to her husband that evening that we are all gathered here now at Sister Akua’s party!
Oh, it is a big party!
A lot of people are here now o! We haven’t seen her in a while, you see, and when she invited us we all came without hesitation la!
We love Sister Akua now!
Yaw Dodo now has three children with his wife, but even now as he leans against the wall and looks at Sister Akua, I can see he still loves her. That is why, even now, he is leaning against the wall and weeping!
Hmm, this sad world!
Yaw Dodo now has a big photographic studio with many branches across-cross, hayhayhayhay…laughing in Korean like Maame Afuah Baah o!
His company is called Dodozooms, haahaaaha!
Eyi, Dodozuma mmom!
hayhayhayhaay…laughing in Korean!
Sister Akua looks so beautiful! She is dressed beautifully, and her face is so exquisitely made-up o!
Oh, what a beauty!
So what’s her party about?
Is it her final freedom from Joojo Katoto, or her birthday or a celebration of her bold decision to leave Joojo for good?
Oh, yes, she is free now! She has left Joojo Katoto….
Yes, that is Sister Akua lying in the coffin, looking so beautiful and smiling!
Oh, yes, that night they forced her to go back to Joojo Katoto, he beat her to death! He beat her so badly that she fell down and crashed her skull on the stairs, and bled to her death!
Yes, come closer, let me show you this obituary booklet!
That’s her, yes, and today is her funeral party!
That’s why we are all here, to pay out final respects o!
That is why Yaw Dodo cannot take pictures because he is obviously grieving for the love of his life!
See Sister Akua’s parents, weeping and screaming like hyenas!
See her friends, her neighbours, her relatives…even me!
We all watched and did nothing as Sister Akua suffered! Yes, she made a sad mistake, but that didn’t mean we had to sit around and watch her without helping until her untimely death!
Such a sweet young lady, killed by that brute, that blowman husband!
I feel so bad! I feel so sad! Yes, I don’t even think I can raise my pole of ahunuabobrim, olidade, bawa soko dua, Kweku donsuro, baweee pillar…
No, my heart is so sad.
I am not even assuaged by the fact that Joojo Katoto was tried for second degree murder, or the fact that he is in prison right now for life, with hard labour!
No, the suffering of Joojo Katoto is not going to bring Sister Akua back!
She remains dead!
The perpendicularity of her human anatomy has become permanently vertical!
She is dead!
We could have done so many things right to save her life, but we allowed the beatings to go on, not wanting to come between a husband and wife!
Ayoo, I’ve told you the story.
The lesson is simple and two-fold:
- Any man that raises his hand on a woman is not human!
- When we see violence against women, in any form, we must rise and put a stop to it! We might be saving a life!!!
Ayoo, my tale is done for today!
Time to bid a final goodbye to Sister Akua and head home!
Hopefully, I will see you next Sunday again!
Stay blessed, stay safe, stay out of the reach of any blowman husband!
I am the Narrator, and these are my verses!
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