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AARON ANSAH-AGYEMAN
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The Author
It is very late in the night, almost dawn, when Kofi wakes up.
Because he is so heavy, Ato had left him lying on the floor and instead provided him with a pillow and covered him with a cloth.
Ato is in the bedroom, fast asleep, when he feels himself being shaken awake.
He sits up, and squints at the harsh light in the bedroom.
Kofi is standing there in his briefs looking at him with huge eyes.
ATO
(sleepily)
What the fuck, Kofi! Why did you wake me up?
KOFI
What am I doing in your room?
Ato glares at his friend, instantly angry.
ATO
Aboa, you’re here to roast cockroaches and fry bofrot!
KOFI
(screaming)
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING IN YOUR ROOM, ATO SEY?
Ato is taken aback, and then it dawns on him that sometimes when alcohol is mixed with sleeping tablets it results in memory lapses.
He holds up his hand and yawns hugely.
ATO
(gently)
Relax, bro. Yesterday, when we came back from Mallam Busanga’s place we bought some kenkey-
KOFI
(relaxing)
Oh, yeah. We went with Corporal Tinga, the man with the bula like jet plane!
ATO
(giggling)
Yeah. Doctors put a ring on his bula matari otherwise if he puts all of it inside his wife it will go and hit her heart!
KOFI
(laughing)
No, no! It will go up her throat and come out at the top of her head like a horn!
ATO
(cackling with laughter)
Penis horn! Penis tumour!
They fall on the bed laughing, and then after a while they fall quiet.
KOFI
(sadly)
So in the morning we go and look for a mad woman! Oh, Awurade Nyankopon, eben asem nso koraa nyi?
ATO
(gently)
Relax, bro. It is sorted.
KOFI
Sorted? Sorted how? Have you got a mad woman?
ATO
Nah. One of my school mates works at the ADADA ASYLUM. It is filled with deranged women. He says he will arrange for one of them to be with you. Just one minute. You dip your penis in her and off we go to Mallam Busanga!
Kofi turns and looks at his friend, his face filled with an expression of shock and filled with sudden hope and relief. Tears glisten in his eyes as he reaches out and squeezes Ato’s hand.
KOFI
(tremulously)
Just like that? Really?
ATO
(gently)
You’re sorted, man.
KOFI
(gratefully)
Thank you, man. Thank you very much.
ATO
It’s cool. Now turn off the damn light and let’s get some sleep.
KOFI
Sure. But I gotta wee wee.
ATO
Yeah, go and do that. That’s all you can do with your dick at the moment anyway, just for wee wee. It is as useless as a condom in a catholic priest’s pocket!
KOFI
(laughing)
Aboa ne ba!!
*******
The ADADA ASYLUM is a huge, magnificent edifice located within the serene hills of the Akuapim Mountains.
The STAFF QUARTERS is set way back from the main asylum buildings, and at eleven o’clock Ato drives into the compound.
Nii Lin is waiting for them.
The place is well-lighted, but almost everybody is asleep.
Luckily, Nii Lin is not married, and he let’s them into his chamber-and-hall quarters.
It is surprisingly well-furnished.
Nii is slim and tall, handsome in a rather rakish sort of way. He is down to earth, and he wastes no time in cracking jokes about Kofi’s condition, which invariably lightens up Kofi’s mood and helps to still his nervousness.
Ato and Nii soon begin to talk about their old school, and Kofi tries to watch a Russell Crowe movie.
The two old friends sleep, but Kofi is too nervous to sleep.
At exactly half past midnight Nii wakes up and shakes Ato awake.
NII LIN
Here’s the plan. I paid some of the night crew guys, and they have taken the woman to one of the new wards, so there are not many people around there. The security guy on that stretch has also been paid.
KOFI
(nervously)
Thank you, Nii. I’ll settle all the bills with more, bro.
NII LIN
Right. But you have to be quick, though. Sometimes the Director pays surprise visits at dawn. Let’s hope today is not one of those days. Secondly, some of the security chaps and some staff members are really strict, and if we’re caught it’ll be nasty. So just go in there, do your shit, and come out as quickly as possible.
ATO
Yeah. It won’t take more than a minute.
NII LIN
I paid one of the female nurses to bathe the woman and put some lubricant inside her crevice so you won’t have much difficulty putting your penis into her, Kofi. We’ve also sedated her, so she’s out cold.
KOFI
Thanks, thanks. I’m so grateful!
Nii takes them down a path through some shrubbery to a small gate in the wall of the edifice.
A security man in dark brown khaki opens the gate from inside.
The premises is covered with lush green lawns, well-structured buildings, demarcated paths and spaces, and well-lit.
Kofi is surprised at how beautiful it all is.
NII LIN
(whispering)
We’re going to the D-BLOCK. It is a new block and it houses the most violent and totally insane patients. We took the woman there because the Director is scared of the patients in D-BLOCK and never go there at night.
They wall along the walls in the shadows so that the security cameras will not pick them up.
Finally, they come to another gate.
It is being manned by two armed men who opens it from the inside.
D-BLOCK is not so clean and well-lighted like the other section of the asylum.
It looms in the darkness, huge and foreboding.
Nii Lin takes them up a series of stairs until they come to a dimly-lit landing.
He puts a hand to his lips as they walk across a corridor that has cell-like rooms on both sides.
Most of them are unoccupied, but a few have sleeping patients in them.
Finally, they come to one of the cells, and see a gigantic man standing just near the gates.
The metallic cell doors are secured tightly with huge iron padlocks.
The scene inside the cell looks very chaotic indeed.
The bed is overturned and the floor is littered with paper, tissue, trays, pans, food left-overs and a whole lot of dirty things.
The man standing just inside the cell is indeed a mountain of a man. He is wearing only a pair of dirty jeans shorts. He is wearing a sort of black hat, and his arms and chest are as huge as that of a caveman.
His arms has thick veins standing out angrily, and his face is dark with fury! He is muscle bound, and it is quite evident that he can crush a skull with just one blow!
The moment Nii Lin sees the giant of a man inside the cell he suddenly rushes over to the other side of the corridor with great fear and stands staring at the man with incredible terror on his face.
ATO
(fearfully)
Wetin be the matter, Nii?
Nii points a trembling finger at the giant in the cell.
NII LIN
Baluu is awake! Dear God, Baluu is awake! No, no, no!
Season 1 Episode 22: Doing The Needful
ATO
(carefully)
And so? He’s inside a padlocked cell!
Nii Lin licks his lips rapidly.
NII LIN
You don’t know Baluu! He is so violent! Oh, Lord! They should have sedated him, or put him in a strait jacket!
KOFI
(fearfully)
Is he dangerous?
NII LIN
(trembling)
Dangerous? He’s a killer! He used to be a professional martial artist. He went crazy when he found his wife making love to his best friend! He killed both of them with his bare hands. In here he has fatally maimed three inmates, two security personnel and one nurse, not counting the others he has injured to minor extents. That is why they brought him to the D-BLOCK. None of the nurses, doctors or security guards can go near him. They use special weapons to fire sedative darts at him to make him weak and sleepy before anybody can go near him. He’s sedated each night and put in a strait jacket. If he comes out now we’re dead! He’ll break our bones! He’ll kill us all!
ATO
C’mon, bro. Get a hold of yourself! These are giant padlocks, solid cast iron! Surely he cannot get out.
NII LIN
(giggling nervously)
Yeah, yeah, maybe you’re right! Come on, guys.
The inmate called BALUU glares at them with murderous eyes from within his cell, but he makes no attempt to move as they walk past and head towards the end of the corridor.
Finally, they come to a closed door with a glass pane fixed just on its upper portion so that they can look into the room beyond.
Nii Lin knocks, and the door is opened by a young woman.
She is thin and bony with a sharp, hard face.
She is wearing a nurse’s outfit, and her hard eyes drill into Kofi and Ato.
The room within is bare save for a single bed.
A woman is lying on the bed, and she seems to be asleep. Her face is turned towards the wall, and her arms are folded across her chest.
Her legs are apart, and a clean white sheet is covering her.
There is a single bulb burning up in the ceiling.
Beyond her is another room with an open door, probably leading to a washroom.
The nurse looks at Nii Lin.
NURSE
Yes, balance of my money!
NII LIN
Will give it to you when we get to the staff quarters, Akosua.
NURSE
(viciously)
For where? My friend don’t anger me! Give me the balance.
NII LIN
I’ll give it to you, Akosua, when we get back. We need to be quick! Baluu is awake!
The moment Akosua hears that Baluu is awake she turns quickly and flees down the corridor in the opposite direction, away from Baluu’s cell, going down the stairs with incredible speed, her face filled with indescribable horror.
Kofi and Ato look at each other with sudden fear.
ATO
This Baluu guy must be very deadly!
NII LIN
(shakily)
He’s a devil incarnate, my paddy! Kofi, go in there and do your thing. We’ll wait here!
Kofi nods.
He takes out the small bottle of medicine Mallam Busanga had given him.
He presses a little into his palm, pulls down his trousers and spreads the liquid over his genitals.
Next he pumps a mouthful of the bitter, disgusting medicine into his mouth and swallows.
He enters the room.
He walks towards the sedated mad woman.
Kofi is so nervous and scared.
He licks his lips as he slowly advances to the bed.
He lifts the cloth off the woman’s lower body.
He glances up at her, expecting her to wake up, but the sedative is holding her strongly under.
She is elderly, but quite beautiful.
This makes Kofi very sad indeed.
This is not something he would have done in a million years, and he is sickened to his stomach with himself.
KOFI
(hoarsely)
I’m so sorry, madam! So very, very sorry! Please forgive me!
He folds the cloth back neatly over the woman’s lower body.
Her genitals has been shaved, and it is bare and nice, shining with whatever lubricant the nurse had used on her.
Kofi unzips again and takes out his flaccid member.
He gets unto the bed and shuts his eyes tightly as tears fall down his cheeks.
He feels like a creep, like a dirty, dirty creep who should be shot.
Very carefully he positions himself on top of the woman, takes his flaccid member, and leans forward and dips it into her slippery vulva. It is difficult because he is so soft. He pries the woman’s thighs further apart with his knees, and then he holds his penis tightly and pushes its head and then its entire flaccid package into the woman’s chut.
Out in the corridor there is a sudden shearing sound of metal being tortured and pulled apart.
Nii Lin, who has been staring down the corridor all along, takes a sudden step back with terror!
NII LIN
(terrified)
Oh, no! Baluu! Baluu dey come!
ATO
Don’t be silly, my paddy! He no go fit break the padlocks!
The harsh metal sounds come again!
Suddenly a huge, thick leg steps through the iron bars!
It is Baluu’s leg!
The giant is pulling the bars of the cell apart like plastic so that he can step through.
NII LIN
(shouting)
I TOLD YOU! BALUUUUU!!
He begins to take frantic steps towards the stairs.
ATO
(scared)
Wait, wait, wait, man! You mean e dey force the iron bars apart?
NII LIN
(eyes bulging with fear)
You don’t know that man! Make we go, chale! E go kill we all!
ATO
(frantic)
What about Kofi?
NII LIN
We for leave am, man! It’s too late! Baluu go kill we!
ATO
No, no, man! Hey, we for do some-
He stops speaking because with a final ripping sound of metal he sees that Baluu’s body is now coming out, and a moment later the giant of a man is suddenly standing in the corridor.
Without another word Nii Lin turns and runs away down the stairs at the end of the corridor.
Ato and the giant look at each other.
Baluu suddenly reaches behind him, and a moment later Ato sees the longest, ugliest knife in the giant’s hand!
Trembling with fear, Ato sees that the key to the door Kofi is in is still in the lock.
With trembling fingers he reaches out and locks the door on Kofi, and then he removes the key just as Baluu comes racing down the corridor with a murderous yell, his face maddened and insane, pointing the huge knife at Ato!
Ato turns, heart pounding, and flees down the corridor after Nii Lin!
Baluu chases after Ato, but when he gets to the door he stops suddenly.
He walks towards it and stares through the glass panel and sees Kofi crouched on top of the woman.
Baluu steps back, raises his right leg, and crashes it into the door, and it flies off its hinges!
Kofi, who has been able to push his penis all the way into the woman now, looks over his shoulder with sudden apprehension, and sees the gigantic man standing there with a murderous look on his face and a wicked knife in his hand.
Kofi begins to tremble violently.
He knows he is dead!
He almost collapses on top of the woman with terror.
Baluu walks forward slowly and stops.
His face is filled with righteous anger as he stares at Kofi’s buttocks.
BALUU
(gruffly)
Ei, no be small. Are you giving her bula matari?
Kofi is trembling as he shakes his head numbly.
Baluu suddenly steps forward and slaps Kofi so hard across his naked buttocks that Kofi is convinced his buttocks has shifted permanently.
The pain of the slap brings great tears to Kofi’s eyes!
Baluu grabs Kofi by the scruff of the neck, lifts him up bodily, and throws him across the room.
Kofi smashes into the wall face first, and tastes blood in his nose and mouth instantly.
He lies on the floor with his trousers around his ankles.
He holds his hands up defensively as Baluu bears down on him.
Season 1 Episode 23: Baluu
KOFI
(incoherently)
I’m not making love to her! I swear to God I’m not! I don’t even have an erection, please, look! Please, please don’t hurt me, please, I beg of you! I just brushed her!
BALUU
(furiously)
Ei, no be small. Why is there frytol on your bula?
KOFI
(confused)
Frytol? Where? Please?
Baluu points at Kofi’s lavde with his knife.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. There, there, on your bula, frytol shining on your bula like twinkle twinkle little stars how I wonder what you are, up above the world so high, like a diamond in the skyyyyyy!
Kofi looks down and sees his dick and lower body smeared with the lubricant the nurse had used.
KOFI
(moaning)
That’s not Frytol, please! It’s a lubricant!
BALUU
Ei, no be small. Are you also calling me crazy?
KOFI
No, no, please! You’re not crazy!
BALUU
Ei, no be small. You put frytol on your bula matari and you’re giving Aunt Korkor atopa lobolobo!
KOFI
Yes, yes, I put frytol on my bula, but please I’m not sleeping with her, please. I just dipped into her…oh, Lord!
BALUU
(nodding)
Ei, no be small. My paddy, once your bula enter Aunt Korkor’s toto, na lobolobo ooo, no be dipping! I’m going to cut out your eyes, I swear!
KOFI
(terrified)
Oh, no! No, no! You can’t do that!
The giant reaches down and takes Kofi by the neck and draws him up.
Kofi opens his mouth to speak and the giant hits him across the face with the back of his hand, throwing Kofi back against the wall.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. Atopa lobolobo man!
He raises his knife to cut open Kofi’s throat!
KOFI
(almost fainting)
No, no! Please don’t do that! You can’t kill me!
BALUU
(suddenly confused)
Ei, no be small. Why can’t I kill you?
And suddenly it dawns on Kofi that this man is not a normal man, he is mentally-challenged, and maybe the only way out of this is to do something unusual.
KOFI
Because I’m not what I am!
Baluu grins suddenly, and begins to chuckle.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. You don’t even know who you are and you’re humping Aunt Korkor! Maaaaaaad boy!
He swings the knife suddenly, and Kofi jumps back with a cry of horror, and his back hits the wall!
He scrambles away along the wall!
Baluu comes after him with leisurely strides.
He raises the wicked knife again.
KOFI
(screaming)
I’M NOT WHAT I AM! I AM GOD! I AM A GOD!
Baluu stops and cocks his head to one side and looks at Kofi with sudden shock.
BALUU
(shocked)
Ei, no be small. Are you God?
KOFI
(whimpering)
I am a god!
BALUU
Ei, no be small. So you’re the God that gives out flatulence on us and call it thunder, then you urinate on us and call it rain?
KOFI
(scared, horrified)
What?
BALUU
(laughing)
Ei, no be small. I don’t think you’re God. God, the oluman shingo de shingo never asks questions oooo!
He kicks out suddenly into Kofi’s stomach, and Kofi doubles over and vomits with the agonizing pain!
A savage backhand again flings Kofi over, making him clash into the bed that the woman is lying on.
He lies on the floor, dazed and bruised, and acutely aware that he has come very close to losing his life!
KOFI
(croaking)
I’m the President of Ghana! Stop it right this instant!
Baluu cocks his head again and looks at Kofi with sudden shock.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. The original Atopa President. So narrate the presidential oath.
KOFI
(panting)
No, no, no, no! Please! I’ve… I’ve forgotten the oath, please.
Baluu points the knife at Kofi, confused.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. A president that forgets?
KOFI
(hoarsely)
I’m President Kofi Kuntukununku. And I’m here to set you free!
BALUU
Ei, no be small. A president that goes round with frytol on bula fucking mad women. Oh, Africa, we’re dead. As for this president dier, walahi, he needs to die o!
He lunges forward suddenly and slashes with the knife savagely, and it cuts across Kofi’s arm, cutting the skin and drawing blood.
Kofi feels the pain, and feels the warm blood running down his arm.
He grabs his arm and feels the blood running between his fingers,
KOFI
(desperately, weeping)
Stop it this instant! Oh, please! I’m not the President, please! I’m God’s son!
BALUU
Ei, no be small. Akwasi Jesus. Do you think I’m a fool? Did you see Jesus running around with frytol on his bula matari and chopping alalagolaa?
Baluu throws a straight punch that almost tears Kofi’s head off.
Kofi falls down, dazed, almost passing out, and sees Baluu raising the knife to strike through his head.
KOFI
(weakly)
You can’t kill me, Baluu! I’m already dead! I’m a ghost!
Baluu kneels down and delivers three hefty slaps to Kofi’s face with unbridled rage.
BALUU
Ei, no be small. Osaman! Osaman hwea! Osaman kanto! Osaman osanini! Return to the grave, osaman tipoli, osaman atopa!! I don’t think ghosts go round with frytol on their bula matari chopping mad women. Ei, no be small, but you koraa have you seen osaman with bula before?
The room is spinning.
Kofi can feel blood pouring down his face and nose. He feels the pain of the knife wound on his arm.
He is so weak. He is almost passing out, and fear crystallizes in his heart, dragging him into paralyzing horror. Dimly he is aware of Baluu lifting the knife once again, ready to slam it down into his heart.
KOFI
I saw your wife, Baluu! I saw her and your best friend!
And at that Baluu suddenly screeches!
He drops the knife and puts four fingers of his left hand into his mouth.
He is suddenly cowering with great fury, his eyes almost popping out as he glares at Kofi with terror!
BALUU
(terrified)
Eiiiiii, no be smaaaaallllll!! Yei! Yikes! Bontonner shaka shaka menla! Blood of Jesus! Holy Spirit firewood! You saw Ama Kerosene? Ama Adwen Fi, Ama Okum Nipa? You saw her? Where? Where? And she was with Kwabena Bodamfo, Kwabena Yonko Bad? Where, where?
Kofi points weakly towards the open bathroom beyond the bed on which the woman is lying.
KOFI
In there, Baluu. The two of them are in there!
BALUU
(weepily)
Eiiiii, no be smaaaaaaallllll!! What are they doing? What is Ama Etwe Deep doing with Kwabena Yonko Bad?
KOFI
Kwabena is giving Ama, your wife… alagolaaaaa!!!
Baluu lets out a crazed yell, tightening up his wrists and neck and shoulders as he screams and rushes blindly into the bathroom.
BALUU
EIIIIII, NO BE SMAAAAALLLLLL!!! I WILL KILL THOSE TWO TODAY! I WILL DEZONE THEM TODAY, AMA AND KWABENA! BAD, BAD, BAD BETRAYERS!!
Kofi moves weakly towards the door after Baluu and then he pulls it shut and turns the key in the lock.
He can hear Baluu still screaming and punching the walls of the bathroom. He rips the Water Closet tank off the wall and throws it across the room.
He is screaming as he rips the shower curtain off and then he hurls himself against the wall, screaming and punching the tiles.
He kicks at the tap, breaking it, and then he lunges and lands on the water closet bowl, breaking it to smithereens.
Kofi, weeping, sore, bleeding, pulls up his trousers, goes out, and flees down the corridor with the maddened screams of Baluu still in his ears.
He knows that he has come very close to death, and it sets a deep pain into his heart.
His life is sordid! He is now cavorting with the devil, and he knows that if something doesn’t happen soon, things will definitely get darker!
He knows he has never come so close to death!
He could’ve died inside that room with a sedated insane woman on the bed, and his trousers around his knees with his head cut off or his intestines spilling out.
It had been a near-death experience to him!
KOFI
Oh, Lord, my God! What is all this? What is happening to me? Why am I in such a dirty mire? Please save me, Father! Please save me!!!
Season 1 Episode 24: Back To Busanga
When Kofi gets to the ground level he sees an agitated Ato pacing, fear and horror on his face.
When he sees Kofi he runs forward and embraces him hard.
Nii quickly closes and locks the door leading to D-Block, and his face is terrified with the depths of his horror.
NII LIN
Oh, thank God! Thank God you’re okay, man!!
ATO
Oh, oh, oh! You made it! So sorry, man, so sorry! Didn’t mean to leave you but that guy was crazy! Forgive me, man!
KOFI
(tremulously)
It’s okay. Not holding anything against you. Would’ve done the same!
ATO
Hell no, no, no, no! You would’ve stayed to help me out!
KOFI
(subdued)
It’s okay, man. I’m cool.
NII LIN
(scared)
Let’s get going, guys! All that noise might’ve woken some people. Let’s get out of here first, and then I’ll know what to do! Come on, come on, you’re bleeding, Kofi! Let’s go and let me get one of the nurses to stitch that cut, Kofi, otherwise you’ll bleed to death!
ATO
Jeez, that Baluu cut you? What happened, rasta?
KOFI
(shakily)
I’ll tell you on the way, bro. At least, we accomplished what we came to do. I was able to dip a mad woman. Let’s get out of here, man. I feel like I just died and resurrected!
Almost an hour later, they begin the return journey to Accra.
Nurse Akosua had stitched the ugly gash on KOfi’s arm where Baluu had cut him.
Now Kofi is lying in the back seat with a sad smile on his face.
Ato is driving carefully because of the heavy fog on the mountains. He is hunched over the steering-wheel.
He slots a CD into the player, and soon the cool soothing sounds of gospel music fills the car.
ATO
(smiling)
Quite some adventure, right, bro?
KOFI
(sighing)
Terrible, chale, terrible! That Baluu. He almost killed me, bro!
ATO
(chuckling)
That Baluu nigga is crazy, man, just crazy! Heeerh! Shit, how did you get away from him anyway?
KOFI
(softly)
Told him I saw his wife making love to his best friend inside the washroom! He ran into the washroom and I locked the door. Chale, you should’ve seen the way he was attacking the walls! He could’ve killed me!
Ato looks at his friend miserably.
ATO
Sorry, bro. Really sorry. I feel kinda hungry, though. Let’s stop somewhere for a little breakfast.
KOFI
Yeah, yeah, bro. Listen, Ato, thanks for everything, okay? You’ve been a real brother. I don’t know what I would’ve done without you.
ATO
(smiling)
What the dilly-dilly-dilly-dilly-yooooooo! It’s all good, brother!
KOFI
(haltingly)
I was able to dip the woman, bro, followed everything to the letter. Do you think maybe we should go to Accra first, you know, so that I try with Akweley whether it will work?
ATO
(scowling)
No, my paddy, no! I don’t trust those Busanga-Busanga people koraa! Let’s go to the shrine, and pay up so that we know we have finished everything. Then tonight you can have Akweley and pound her till her toto removes!
They burst into raucous laughter, and just then Kofi’s phone rings.
It is Akweley.
He picks the call.
KOFI
(tenderly)
Ohhhhh, my sunshine! You don’t know how much I’ve missed you!
AKWELEY
(icily)
K.K. what’s wrong? Are you avoiding me? You promised to see me yesterday when you leave the hospital, and that’s it! You put your phone off, and you’ve not even bothered to call me today to check up on me!
KOFI
(remorsefully)
Ohh, my darling, my sweetheart! Please, please forgive me, okay? I didn’t want to bother you last night. The truth is that I was also so very sick! Very ugly stomach ache that I couldn’t even control. I was admitted to the hospital last night, dear. I received three infusions!
AKWELEY
(concerned)
Oh, dear, dear, dear! Which hospital? I’m on my way over right now!
KOFI
I’ve been discharged, love. Ato is taking me home. Don’t worry, you’ll see me this evening, dear. I wanna kiss you and make love to you so hard that your thing will just get removed and fixed on my thing!
AKWELEY
(laughing)
Ashawo awosha man! Well hurry up! You’ve put me in heat, love! Can’t wait to have you in me! Love you so much! Kisses, mwaaah, mwaah, mwaaaaaah!
KOFI
Awwwwww! Mwaaaaaah! I’ll see you soon!
As Kofi is speaking another call comes through, and as he glances at the screen he sees that it is Sajili.
He cuts off the call to Akweley quickly and picks the call.
SAJILI
(weakly)
Hey. Where are you?
KOFI
(coldly)
What do you want?
SAJILI
(very weakly)
Please… Kofi! Come to the DIDI-FLON CLINIC immediately, please!
KOFI
(angrily)
Why? What do you want, Saj?
SAJILI
(weeping)
I’m on admission, my love! Please come and visit me… quickly, I beg of you!
Kofi cuts the call with an angry sound.
ATO
The Indian horror?
KOFI
Yep. Says she’s on admission at the DIDI-FLON. Wants to see me!
ATO
Heeeeeeeerh! This girl get powers! I’m sure she knows you broke her spell! She wants to trap you and do another spell! Kooooooshiaaa like that!
KOFI
(worried)
She sounded genuinely sick, bro.
ATO
Tweeaa! Shun am, my paddy! Na act! Julius Ceaser drama group queen! Shun e matter! To Busanga we go! Today you’ll receive your bula tenten back, and slush some pussy… sweet sweet tuuuuushy!
KOFI
(worried)
She sounded bad, bro. Do you remember the mallam saying something about Sajili being covered by a dark cloud or something like that? She sounded bad, man!
ATO
(softly)
Stop thinking about Indians now, bro. Priorities, man. We go to the Busanga, you get your healing, then go to Akweley and hammer a round, boy, pussy time!
KOFI
(laughing)
I swear! I’ll make the pussy go pheeee, pheeee, pheeeee!! Kpa, kpa, kpa!
ATO
(roaring with laughter)
You know it! You know it! Kpa, kpa, kpa, kpa, bla K, bla K, bla K! Pussy King, man, pussy champion!
About two hours later they come to Mallam Busanga’s shrine.
Like the last time they undress and walk the rest of the way to the shrine.
KOFI
Chale, it seems like the healing worked paa o! My langalanga is longer than usual!
Ato turns and looks at Kofi’s penis.
ATO
(giggling)
Hehehehehe! Langalanga go chop weed today!
KOFI
(laughing)
I tell you, brother. Ten rounds straight, no stopping! All about the kpa kpa kpa kpa kpa kpa!
ATO
(laughing)
Bla K, Bla K, Bla K! Oooooooh Bossu!
Season 1 Episode 25: The Wrong Kind Of Mad
They are taken to the shed where Mallam Busanga and his attendant are waiting.
Mallam Busanga pops some seeds into his mouth and chews slowly, and then he lifts a black calabash and spits a dirty brown liquid into it.
He then sits back and looks at them sombrely with his rheumy eyes. He speaks to his attendant slowly.
The attendant listens, and then a huge grin splits his face as he looks at Kofi with gloating disdain.
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! You welcom agin. Ah, hm, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say yew fooooool biiiiiig!
ATO
(stunned, angry)
What? What did you say? What the fuck’s the matter with you?
KOFI
(scared)
Take it easy, Ato. Let’s listen. Please, why is Mallam saying we’re big fools?
The Mallam speaks for a few minutes again, and once more a huge grin splits the attendant’s face.
ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say he tell yew to go fuck fuck mad womin! Tor, tor, tor, to go puuuut penisa for vaginant of mad womin but yew deeednt!
KOFI
(tearful)
Oh, but I did! I did it just this dawn! I dipped my penis into a mad woman’s thing, just as he instructed. I put the medicine on it and swallowed some and then I dipped into her vulva for a minute, just like he said!
The attendant whispers to the Mallam.
Ato draws near to Kofi and whispers to him.
ATO
Shit! This guy must be fake, motherfucker! What the fuck is the meaning of this, huh?
The attendant looks at them.
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin yew fuck fuck is not mad womin!
ATO
(exploding)
What do you mean by she is not a mad woman? She was a mad woman!
ATTENDANT
Tor! Tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin yew fuck fuck is white peoples mad womin! He deeednt tell yew to go and fuck fuck mad womin from some mad house! Tor, tor, tor! That mad womin is in hospeetal, takeen white mans medicines and she is jes not mad womin!
ATO
(angry)
What the fuck are you talking about now?
KOFI
(horrified)
He means the woman is in an asylum receiving treatment, bro!
ATTENDANT
(elated)
Yays! Yays! Tooooooor! Na that womin not mad womin! When Mallam Busanga say fuck fuck mad womin, he meansa mad womin from street, ahaaaa! Vely vely vely mad womin who eat bola and rubbish and shit theens, steeenkeen vely steeenkeen mad womin weeth very bushy and bad steenkeen vaginant! That is mad womin! The womin yew go fuck fuck is not mad womin, no, no, no, no! Mad womin is the one crazy in street shouteen kohaaa, kohaaa, kohaaa! Toooor, that is mad womin!
KOFI
(shattered, bitterly)
Oh, Lord, oh Lord! They’re saying the woman from the asylum is not a mad woman! They wanted me to take a stinking, really mad woman on the street and dip my penis in her! A crazy mad woman in the streets, not one from the asylum!
ATO
(furious)
What’s the difference? Mad is mad! So are they saying all that we did means nothing?
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor, tooooor! Yew waste your forkeeeen time! Kai! So yew not know mad womin? Many nakid and derty, mad womin on the streeta and yew go for white-man mad womin? Yew foooool!!
Kofi and Ato look at each other with abject misery!
It has all been for nothing?
They have wasted their time?
He has been cut by Baluu for nothing?
He should have taken a mad woman on the street and not one from the asylum?
KOFI
Oh, crap! This is not fair, Busanga! This is not fair at all!
ATO
(furiously)
But why didn’t you tell us we need a mad woman from the street and not one from an asylum? You fucking deceivers! You should’ve been more specific! Do you know what we went through to have that woman, how much we spent? What the fuck is this shit?
ATTENDANT
Yew fooooool! Mad womin in asyloom is called PATIENT! Mallam Busanga deeednt ask yew to go fuck fuck a PATIENT! Mad womin is mad womin not PATIENT! You go fuck fuck hospiteel patient and you teeenk you fuck fuck mad womin, you fooool!
Ato puts an arm across Kofi’s shoulders as he cries silently, suddenly unable to save his iron control.
Ato is stunned, lost for words for a moment.
This is definitely turning out to be a nightmare.
ATO
(gently)
So what do we do now, Mallam, please?
The Mallam speaks to the attendant quickly.
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin who put curse on the mans penisa is in hospiteel now now!
Kofi looks up with sudden shock.
KOFI
(stunned)
How did you know Sajili is in hospital? Yes, she called me and said she’s in hospital.
ATTENDANT
Yays, yays! Mallam Busanga, he see everytin and know everytin! Mallam Busanga, he say only thing left to do now is to put your penisa into the vaginant of this woman! Mallam Busanga, he say you shoulda put the mediciiin on your penisa and drink some again and then dip it into the vaginant of the woman!
KOFI
Dip into Sajili? But she won’t allow me!
The attendant speaks for a moment with the mallam.
He then turns and faces them.
ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say the womin is deed now!
KOFI
(hoarsely)
What? What woman, Sajili? She is deed? What deed?
ATTENDANT
Deed, deed, deed! Ghosta deed!
And then it sinks in with terrible numbness.
ATO
Oh, Jesus!
KOFI
(almost passing out)
You mean dead? Sajili is dead? No, no, no, no! Please, please, master Busanga, please no! She can’t die! Please do something, please!
ATTENDANT
No, no, no! Mallam Busanga, he say the womin is deed! When Mallam Busanga say she is deed, then she is deed!
KOFI
(shouting)
No! She can’t die! Why, oh why? She’s a strong woman! There was no sign that she was sick or she wasn’t feeling well! She must be on admission, but not dead! She can’t be dead!
ATTENDANT
(angrily)
Are you deeef? You must be deeef! The womin is deeeeeed!!
ATO
(shocked)
Calm down, Kofi! Please calm down. Hey, please, so what happens right now that you’re saying the woman is dead? Does it mean the password curse is broken?
The attendant speaks to Mallam Busanga for some time, and then he turns and smiles.
ATTENDANT
Mallam Busanga, he say the curse is there, and yew have just three awars to puuuuta penisa into vaginant of deed womin or you be impotint foreva la!
ATO
Oh, no! You mean Kofi has just three hours to dip his penis into the dead Sajili, if indeed she is dead? And if he doesn’t Kofi will be impotent for life?
ATTENDANT
Tor, tor, tor! She is deed! If Mallam Busanga say she is deed, then she is deed! And the bad curse she put on this man will continue forever if this man deeednt puuuta his penisa into her vaginant in three awars!
KOFI
(perplexed, horrified)
But that’s impossible! That’s terrible! Mad woman, fine, God knows that was bad enough! But how can I put my damn dick inside a dead woman? What is this? By now she will be in the mortuary! Please, please, please, don’t do this! I beg of you, Mallam, please do something about it! First bodamfo twe, now India funu twe! Oh, oh, dear, Lord!!
Mallam Busanga shakes his head sadly, and then reaches for the calabash and spits into it again.
He speaks softly, and the attendant turns to Kofi and speaks elatedly.
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